


When We Were Young

by Xi_khaleesi



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Black Panther - Freeform, Black Widow - Freeform, Bucky Barnes Feels, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, F/M, Friendship, Iron Widow Friendship, James "Rhodey" Rhodes - Freeform, Natasha Romanoff/OC - Freeform, POV Natasha Romanov, Prince T'Challa (Marvel), Protective Clint Barton, Protective Steve Rogers, Red Room, Smut, Steve Rodgers - Freeform, Thor - Freeform, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Vision - Freeform, Wanda Maximoff - Freeform, Young Bucky, Young Natasha, barton family feels, buckynat - Freeform, clint barton - Freeform, clintasha friendship, sam wilson - Freeform, soviet spouses, winter soldier - Freeform, winter widow - Freeform, winterwidow - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-05-16 05:58:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 78,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14805672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xi_khaleesi/pseuds/Xi_khaleesi
Summary: It is 2002, 18 year old Natasha Romanova is looking her graduation from the Red Room in the eyes. Fear isn't what she should be feeling. Madame has broken her of that habit. Someone has given her a reason to be afraid now.James doesn't remember anything. Only that he's woken up, metal arm in tow and the newest member of an underground Soviet academy to train super soldiers. He's been the only successful one of the five. The only thing that really has mattered is the girl with red hair who's made him forget to breathe.Natasha and James encounter each other many times, each time reminds them how hard it is to deny feelings they've been told to not have.This is a Winter Widow fic. I do not claim to own these characters or know all. Fic inspired by this fan video.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a11AarQ0tkg





	1. Chapter 1

“That is all for today ladies.” Madame barked. Liked trained robots Natasha watched the other girls file from the room. Perfectly trained ballerinas with skill sets they’d never need on the stage. 

“Natasha!” Madame’s voice pierced the air. 

She gathered her pointe shoes and hurried to face her teacher. “Yes, Madame.” She breathed.

Madame stroked her cheek and gently tipped her chin up. Natasha looked the woman in the eyes. She knew exactly what she would say. This Red Room had raised her. This woman had broken her and built her back up.

“Sloppy.” She huffed and released Natasha’s chin. “You’re pretending to fail. I have taught you better. Why?” 

At 18 she had days left before she graduated. Graduation… Natasha closed her eyes. A sharp slap stung her face. She knew better than to flinch or show pain. She stood up straighter.

“Little girl…” Madame cooed, “You think you will fail?”

“I can’t do it.” Natasha said shortly.

“You will do it. Or 8 years will have been for nothing, Natasha. You will do it. There is no other option.” Madame grabbed her arm. Natasha recoiled and tried to brush the assault off.

“Weakness is beneath you. You’ve learned that already. We shall set up a refresher for you.” Madame snapped her fingers and two men dragged Natasha through the door to the room with the black floors. Black floors that hid the blood stains and the gouges from fights to the death.

The doors snapped shut and Natasha was left in pure silence. Her heart thudded as voices echoed outside. There weren’t many girls in the academy. Who would they be selecting for her to fight? Heavy boot steps were heard. Fights brought together both branches of the academy. The winter soldiers in training and the future black widows.

Natasha breathed quickly as light flooded the room and two orderly lines entered. The boys lined up against the right wall and the girls to the left. She scanned the room and instantly knew who she’d be fighting. Alina. Alina Markov. She knew she was stronger than Alina. Alina was the only girl near her age in the academy. Her friend. 

She didn’t dare look to the right. She already knew who’s eyes she’d meet. The boy she wasn’t allowed to talk to. The boy she had a habit of always running into between her trainings and his. The boy she seemed to always be placed next to in the weapons classes the winter soldiers helped oversee.

Alina stalked into the room and the teachers snapped the doors behind her. No one would be leaving until there was payment. Death.

Natasha dropped the pointe shoes in her hands and moved to the center of the room. Her black leotard and pristine white tights and skirt seemed so out of place for a fight. When she was sent out on practice trainings she wore clothing with purpose. This outfits only purpose was to make her feel like a well trained puppet. Alina was tall and blonde, and as Natasha knew, weaker than her in combat.

Alina charged first and spun around aiming her leg at Natasha’s face. Natasha dropped to the floor in a cat like crawl and swept her leg forward, knocking Alina off the foot the centered her. A cheap move but effective. Natasha lunged forward and blocked a blow from Alina’s fist. Natasha hissed as the blow landed against her ribs. Sloppy! She could already hear Madame critiquing her. Alina scrambled to her knees before Natasha doubled her efforts and tackled her. 

Alina’s hand dug into Natasha’s red hair and ripped it from the perfect bun. Her long locks unfurling around her as she yelped from the pain. Natasha pinned Alina after landing a perfect punch to the girl’s cheek. She heard comments of approval from a teacher as Alina expertly broke the pin and shoved her off. Natasha tumbled back onto the floor and coughed as the wind was knocked from her. Alina capitalized and took a cheap shot to Natasha’s ribs. Pain blinded her vision. She yelped and rolled away capturing Alina’s foot mid kick and twisting it hard to the right. Alina’s scream reverberated off the walls. 

Natasha grabbed Alina’s hand and worked to pin her on her stomach. Her hand slipped and Alina’s elbow connected with her face. She tumbled back, blood pouring from her bitten tongue. Natasha coughed and hurried to her feet. She charged at Alina, leaping into the air and twisting her legs around the girl’s neck and hurling her to the ground in a beautiful flip. Alina’s body hit the ground with a sickening thud. Alina was injured, and crawling away from her. Natasha grit her teeth and hurried forward. She grabbed Alina’s shoulder and rolled her over to finish the job. 

Alina spit in her face and swung her fist against her head. Sparks flashed in her eyes and the world went black. She felt herself falling and then nothing at all. When she came too, Alina was on top of her with her hands tightening around her throat. Natasha couldn’t breathe. She flailed her legs and clawed Alina’s fingers. Drawing blood from the ruined tender skin. 

Alina screamed and pulled Natasha’s head off the ground and slammed it back down. Panic set in. She was dying. Alina was going to win. She didn’t want to fail. How stupid had she been? Natasha snapped Alina’s fingers with ease and that gained her access to air. She coughed and gagged for air as she hooked her legs around and rolled Alina over. In a second she was pinned and Natasha forced Alina’s hands away as the girl grappled for her hair. 

“You’re weak Tasha!” Alina spat.

Dirty tactics. Madame would not be happy. Trash talk was not a tactical maneuver that the red room girls were taught. Natasha hissed and in a swift snap, Alina’s neck was broken. Natasha panted and stood up. Her blood red hair flowing around her shoulders that matched the blood on her hands, face and tights. Her ballet outfit was ruined. 

Her teachers approached her, Madame was first. “Beautiful, Natasha. Perfect.” Madame cupped her face. She hated the way their praise made her feel. “Have you learned your lesson? Do you know why you fought Alina?”

Natasha nodded, “She was weak. I was not.” A hard lesson to learn.  
“There will be more fights if you continue this childish act. You will do your tests and pass with perfection like we all know you will.” Madame stroked her hair and cupped her face again. “Russia needs you. You have a purpose.”

Natasha nodded and accepted a wet rag someone had handed her. She wiped the blood from her face. 

“Go on to medical, Tasha.” Her weapons teacher smiled as the other trainees filed out. “Get fixed up before dinner.”

Madame handed Natasha her discarded pointe shoes and pointed her on the way to medical wing.

She walked along the hallway, when two fingers hooked around her wrist and tugged her gently. She smiled and slipped into the alcove and shut the door to a closet.

“Tasha….” He breathed and pulled her into a hug. She grimaced and sank into his touch.

“James…” She was surprised. 

This show of affection was unlike him. They had a system of flirtations. Quick whispered talks and notes. So many notes hidden under her pillow, inside her pointe shoes, wedged in the barrel of a gun he had just used. It was forbidden. Fraternization with the soldiers was a very serious offense. She didn’t know if it was discouraged by his superiors as seriously as it was by hers. The consequences were more dire for her. After her graduation lovers, men, and complications wouldn’t matter. She couldn’t be influenced after graduation. But before the procedure… she had heard of girls who had gotten themselves in trouble. They were never seen again. “What is this?” She breathed quietly as her eyes adjusted to the darkness.

“I thought…” He admitted.

“So did I.” She laughed. “She almost did kill me.” She held onto his hand as she talked.

James looked down at her, “You’re a mess, Tasha.” He lifted the rag and wiped a mark on her cheek. 

“You know what we do is messy.” She raised an eyebrow and looked up at him.

He nodded at the collective we that she used. “Why’d they make you do that? Isn’t for the weak ones? Tasha you are not weak.”

She sighed and continued toying with his hand, “I was playing weak. They punished me for it.”

He frowned, “Why?” His hand stopped her from fidgeting. “Do you have a death wish?”

She lowered her eyes, “I’m afraid, James.” That tough exterior she worked so hard to maintain melted before him.

James nodded, “Fear is a motivator, Tasha. Don’t let it stop you.”

She grimaced, “You don’t understand what will happen to me in a few days.”

He looked concerned, “Tell me. You’ve never said explicitly what happens when you graduate.” All of his feelings for her were present in the gentle ways he touched her. They way he treated her like she was breakable, despite the fact that he knew she could kill him in at least 10 different ways. She’d never admit that she liked that he treated her like she was fragile. It was a relief when every minute of every day she was expected to be shatterproof, cold, and calculative.

A shudder ran through her body, “James… I have to get to medical. They’re waiting.” She tugged her hand away.

“Don’t push me away Natasha.” He said quietly. “Talk to me.”

“No, James. Not now.” She leaned toward the door. Her injuries prevented her from sudden movements. 

He blocked the door and held her hands gently. Her fingers resting against the cool metal of his engineered arm. “Meet me after lights out.”

She laughed. “Have you forgotten that I’m handcuffed to my bed?”

James winked at her, “You’re a world class assassin. You’re telling me you can slip a handcuff?”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “If I manage to, then where do I go?”

“The alley alongside the academy. Wear something nice.” He kissed her cheek and nodded towards the door. “Get along to medical.”  
She smiled softly and slipped out of the closet. James had never done something like that. Kissing her cheek confused her and complicated things.


	2. Chapter 2

Convincing medical that her wrist needed a brace was easy. Eating dinner quickly and retiring to the dormitory was simple. After killing Alina the other girls were distant. Wear something nice…. She scoffed and looked at the draw that held all her clothing. In minutes they would be chained to the beds for the night. She had no nice clothes. What was James planning. How would she even know how to dress. She heard footsteps and grabbed the closest thing to an outfit and stashed it on the balcony outside the dormitory doors. 

She laid in bed in her night clothes waiting for Madame as she locked others in for the night. Her bed was closest to the windows and the cool spring breeze filtered through the stuffy room. Madame approached her bed.

“Natasha what is this?” she picked up the girl’s wrist that was about to be bound.

“Extra precautions from medical, Madame.” Natasha said softly. “It’s sprained but healing quickly.”

“Perhaps you should sleep on your stomach tonight and we can bind the other wrist.” Madame suggested.

Natasha hadn’t thought of that. “Oh.. Madame I don’t sleep well on my stomach. I’d like to be well rested for training tomorrow.” She offered the wrist with the brace to Madame again.

“Your newfound dedication is refreshing Natasha.” Madame cinched the handcuff around the brace and left the room after flicking the lights off. 

The good thing about the academy was that everyone was always tired. In minutes the girls would be all sleeping. Natasha waited ten minutes longer than necessary and quietly rolled to her side and unwrapped the brace. Her slender wrist slipped right through the cuff. She piled a red scarf on her pillows and bunched up her sheets to look like she was curled up and fast asleep to any girl who may open her eyes during the night.

With ease she moved through the room using the shadows to keep her hidden from anything that could be watching. On the moonlit patio she ducked behind a pillar and changed. Tan leather boots that reached her knees, her thick black leggings that she reserved for the chilly days in training, and an olive green tunic that cinched round her waist that she thought belonged to her mother. She didn’t remember any more. The brainwashing had removed almost all traces of her family before the red room.

She surveyed the wall and used an old pipe to shimmy down to the ground. Getting back up there would be tricky but not impossible. She ran towards the alley and was grabbed shortly after entering it. 

Natasha flinched and pushed the person into the wall and pinned his hand.

“Tasha, it’s me!” James laughed.

She huffed and let him go, “You idiot, James! You know better. I could have killed you.”

“You think you could.” He teased and pulled her into a tight hug. His lips pressed against the top of her head.

“Oh I could.” She smiled and breathed deeply, his scent seemed to bring her peace.

“Let’s go.” He nudged her and slid his hand down to hold hers.

Natasha felt something she thought she’d never feel. A fluttering in her stomach. Butterflies. That fairytale feeling that she had reserved would never happen for a girl in her position. “Where are you taking me?”

James smiled brightly, “On our first date.”

She couldn’t help but smile at how happy he looked. “You never asked me.”

He tipped his head back and laughed. “You’re here, Tasha. That’s answer enough. Unless you’d like to decline, and in that case I’ll go to the carnival by myself.”

She had heard whispers about the carnival. How her and the other girls longed to go but never could. She smiled, “Ask me properly.” She demanded with a twinkle in her eyes.

James puffed up his chest and grabbed both of her hands. “Natasha Alianovna Romanova. Will you make me the happiest soldier in training on the whole planet and accompany me to the carnival?”  
She liked how hard he tried to pronounce her name in the right tense and tone. Russian was hard for him, and he had been learning it from her. 

“How can I say no when you say my name like a true Russian.” She beamed and squeezed his hand.

He grinned, “I finally got it right?” 

“Perfection Mr. Barnes.” She smiled. His smile was infectious. Deep down she hoped that whatever steps he had left in winter soldier training wouldn’t take his personality from him or that smile.

He tugged her after him towards the street. “Up for a race?” He pointed down the street where the glow of the carnival could be seen.

“Only if you’re okay with losing.” She teased and inched forward slightly.

“On three, Romanova..” He warned and tugged her back evenly with him. 

She dug her foot into the ground for traction and smiled, “один… два… три!" (“one… two…three!”)

She sprung forward as he momentarily fumbled with what she just said in Russian. She worked herself into a breakneck sprint. James was closing in behind her. It felt wonderful to run to carelessly, so free through the streets. She squealed as James passed her with a playful tickle to her side. James surged ahead and reached the carnival with a considerable distance between him and her. Not that she minded as he turned around and caught her as she reached him. He used the momentum she carried and spun her around.

Laughing and panting she brought her to the ground and kissed her cheek again. “What was that about losing again?” He teased.

A flash of light startled her and James stiffened. An older man waved a handful of pictures at them. Natasha approached the man and saw the pictures. She asked him a few questions in Russian. 

“What is he saying, Tasha.” He whispered.

She waved at the man as he handed her the pictures. “He took these of us. He said..” She blushed as the thought.

James thumbed through the pictures. Them running with wide smiles on their faces. James whirling Natasha in the air. Their eyes lost in each others. The kiss on her cheek. “What was it?”

“He said we reminded him of him and his wife when they were young.” She looked up at him. “In love… He said.” How silly. In love. Was that what this was?

James looked down at her, his thumb rising to stroke her cheek that had been bruised this afternoon. “What do you see in the pictures, Tasha.”

She looked at the pictures. Only an idiot wouldn’t see the truth in the pictures. It was crazy. They couldn’t feel this way. Not when her graduation was looming over her head. It couldn’t be.

“This is crazy. He’s just a delusional man.” She looked away.

James didn’t by her response for one second. “You’re a horrible liar for someone who’s about to be a fully trained assassin.” 

Natasha scoffed and pulled away despite his hand still holding hers tightly. “James… This is foolish. Don’t try to make this something it’s not.” It never could be. “Let’s just go have fun and not think about this.”

“Tell me you don’t feel a thing then.” His thumb traced the vein in her neck as he kissed her cheek again. Her pulse soaring beneath his thumb.

“Nothing.” Natasha breathed and looked up at him. 

James laughed, “Liar.” His thumb on her throat knew exactly how hard she was trying to deny.

He pulled his hand from her hand and cupped her face. He pressed his lips against hers. Catching her off guard, he felt her stiffen against him. He pulled away and caught the smile on her lips.

A pink blush crept up her cheeks. James kissed her again, this time Natasha wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back. He spun her around as they kissed. A reckless feeling rose in her chest. The same feeling that drove her to pretend to fail. To play weak. To break the rules that had been beaten into her every day for the last 8 years. 

She pulled away and fidgeted with the buttons on his shirt. “You know… for a first date you’ve done a lot of name calling. Loser… Liar…” She teased.

He captured her hand in his and moved them along toward the center of the carnival. “I wouldn’t have to tease and call you names if I could get an honest read on you.”

Natasha fell into step beside him. “You’re not supposed to be able to read me.” No one should be able to. 

He shook his head, “Let me in Natasha. Let your guard down. Stop fluctuating. I won’t hurt you.” James led them towards a pavilion gleaming with lights. Secluded and calm, he motioned for her to sit with him.

It wasn’t him that she was afraid of being hurt by. Or being hurt in general. She was afraid of what they’d do to him if they were found out. “It’s not you I’m afraid of.”

He sounded upset in the way he laughed, “What?” He shook his head, “What is going to happen that has you so afraid?”

His hopefulness aggravated her. It wasn’t so cut and dry. Her situation was forced upon her. She didn’t decide to train. It wasn’t something she wanted. But she learned now that if she wanted to survive she’d play the game they trained her for. ”James…. Not now.. Please. Please.. Can we go have fun. I don’t want to ruin this night talking about all of that.”

He tipped her chip up and kissed her firmly on the lips. Somehow it felt like each kiss solidified her feelings for him, despite the need to hide that from anyone who could use them against her. When he pulled back moments later he breathed, “I want you. I am in, Natasha. Nothing you can say is going to scare me away.”

“Tell me what they’ve told you about the Red Room.” She desperately wished they could be doing everything at the carnival but taking a stroll down the lane that led to her darkest parts.

James furrowed his dark brows. Natasha noticed that his leg bounced restlessly as he thought. “Highly trained spies and assassins. You biggest success is that the graduates of the Red Room are unsuspecting. No one can type cast the girls who leave. You blend in, you all can disappear easier than any other. Most of you are deadly within a year of starting the program.”

She nodded as he talked. Simply put he was not wrong in any aspect. She had no place in the world like a ghost. She could appear and disappear with ease. She could kill by age 9. She could speak 7 languages fluently by 10. She was enhanced with serums and concoctions in medical. To heal faster, live longer, and learn quicker. “You’re not wrong.” She breathed and looked at her fingers as she talked. “What you don’t know is that being in the Red Room was not a choice for anyone. We.. I was picked. Orphans. No attachments to the world. No collateral. No one to hold more important than the mission. When I graduate in a few days, I’ll have one step left to complete. Sterilization.” She hated the word. To her it shouldn’t matter. What girl of 18 thought about children or a future. It shouldn’t matter, but I always had. She didn’t want to lose the part of her that gave her hope of something better in the world.

James was silent for a while. “Sterilization?” He asked quietly.

She understood how he could be confused. She looked over at him and saw the concern in his eyes. “Children… A family. The only thing I’d ever hold more important than a mission. I am not allowed to have. The operation makes me unable to ever have a family.” She lost her family at such a young age that she barely remembered them. Natasha didn’t know what was worse. Not having a family or forgetting you had one. “Sterilization doesn’t just mean that. My contract with the organization is a lifetime. I don’t get out. I don’t get a chance to retire. Death is my retirement. Death is failure. In two days I start my lifetime of loneliness. I am not allowed to have boyfriends, husbands or anyone. They’ll make me weak. They can be used as tools against me and compromise a mission.”

He reached for her hands and kissed them. “Tasha… I didn’t know.. I’m so sorry I made you talk.”

She felt her face burning as she forced back tears. Tears were weakness. Madame would beat any girl who cried. She had learned to repress that years ago. “You need to know… because what I saw in these pictures are exactly what I can’t have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst is so strong. It'll only get worse. The next few chapters are going to slowly progress over the two days she has left until graduation. A lot of feels and angst need to be worked out before reach Natasha graduation. Drama is on the way. 
> 
> Let me know what you are thinking! This OTP is probably my favorite. Ive never shipped a pair so hard that has such a huge possibility of being nearly canon.


	3. Chapter 3

James understood now why she hesitated. Why she joked and flirted but kept distant. “You could have it.” He said. “You act better than anyone. You could keep that part of your life hidden, I know you’d have the skill set to do that. Don’t give up.”

It was sweet how he tried to make her feel better. “James… You and I both know we can’t hide from the organizations controlling us.” She kissed him hard and slipped her hands around his torso under his jacket. Upon breaking the deep kiss she whispered, “It’s nice that you said that to make me feel better. It’s a risk I can’t afford to take.”

He nodded, “So two days... that’s all I get?”

Natasha shut her eyes and grimaced, “Yes. After that I don’t know what happens. Graduation is a secret. I know I start missions on my own. I’ll be traveling, I think.”

“Then we make this the best two days. What do you say? We live. We have no regrets, because in two days we won’t know what will happen.” He stood up and faced her as she still sat atop the table. 

How could she say no. What was two days? She had kept the letter secret for months. She had hidden the feelings she had for longer. She could keep hiding them. Two days wasn’t that long at all. “Two days. I’m in.” She smiled as he lunged forward and kissed her hard. She shivered as his hands slid up her legs and pulled her by the hips closer to him. 

His smile bloomed against her lips. “Let’s go, there’s so much to do.” He tugged her after him. 

Natasha seemed to lose all sense of time with him. They played all the games and won every single prize. Perks of their training. Natasha had fun seeking out children and giving them the prizes. There would be no way for either of them to get a prize back in and hide it. 

“James…” She tugged on his shirt as he handed over more money to try and win a game he kept losing. She smiled, “You’ve spent too much already, you don’t have to win a prize for every child here.”

He laughed and tossed a ring that bounced off the grid again. She kissed his cheek and took his hand. “You’re trying too hard. Be gentle.” She ran her hand down his arm and circled her fingers around his wrist. Her head nestled on his shoulder as she gently mimicked the motion he’d need to do. 

James tried again with her hand on his. A perfect shot. Natasha clapped and squeezed his shoulders. James pointed to a small bear, small enough to fit in her hand. “This one is for you.” He smiled and set it in her palm. “You should be able to hide that.”

Natasha smiled and leaned up on her toes and kissed him softly. “I love it.” She tucked it into his pocket next to the pictures as she tugged him towards the rides. She lost track of time again as they rode the ferris wheel and a merry go round. They laughed as they ate bright pink cotton candy and shared a pretzel. Natasha had charmed her way into getting a beer and split it with him. Sometime after midnight the carnivals lights started shutting off. 

“I don’t want to go.” Natasha whispered as he spun her one last time. They had settled for dancing near a band playing music. 

James dipped her backwards and kissed her as he pulled her back up. “C’mon, Tasha we can take our time heading back.”

She fell in step beside him, her arm looped through his. Somehow, they arrived back at the alley way sooner than expected. How did the walk seem so much shorter now?

She peeked up at her balcony and sighed. She looked up at him and smiled, “I had the best time.”

He brushed a strand of her brilliant red hair back and kissed her again. More urgently than ever before. The type of kiss that made it hard to leave. That made her pulse hammer harder. 

“James…” she breathed. Not sure if that was a warning to let her go or a plea for more.

Her fingers tugged at his shirt as he pressed her back into the brick wall and kissed her harder. His hands slid over her hips, his fingers cold from the chill of the night as they brushed against her lower back. James brushed his lips down her jaw, kissing the tender skin of her neck. 

“You’re making it so hard to go.” She breathed softly, her hands pressed against the hard muscles of his stomach. 

“You don’t have to go…” He trailed off and nodded towards a ladder. 

Natasha kissed him quickly, “Do you take all the girls to the carnival and get them to go back to your room?”

James looked like he didn’t know what to say. She played like she was upset but broke into a smile. “Lead the way.” She whispered. She had two days and she wasn’t going to say no when it came to anything about him.

“You don’t have…” He started as his thumb traced over her bottom lip.

“Shh… I want to.” She smiled and looked up at him. “Let’s go.” She nudged him and eventually followed him to the ladder. She huffed, “You got a ladder. I had to shimmy down a pipe. Not fair.”

“It’s harder than you think.” He smiled and started climbing. Natasha easily followed him up 4 stories. Much higher than her balcony. She knew that the winter soldier trainings were held on the floors above the red room. She had never been up to those floors. She realized the hard part when James leaned away from the ladder and pointed to a window about 6 feet from the ladder. 

“There’s holes from bricks I’ve worked out of the mortar.” He started climbing over to the window. She watched carefully analyzing the spots he placed his hands and feet. He slid the widow open and disappeared for a moment before leaning out and motioning for her to follow. 

The first few hand holds were easy. She soon realized she was smaller than James and couldn’t reach the last few without dangerously over extending her grip. 

“Tasha…” He whispered and leaned further to reach for her. 

“I can do it.” She breathed and locked her eyes on the next hole and leapt. She heard James suck in a deep breath as she burst forward and caught the next holding. In another short leap she reached the window and James tugged her in quickly. He shut the window and stilled. He hurried to the dark alcove and pushed her flat against the wall. Natasha heard the heavy thud of footsteps in the hallway. 

They approached closer and paused for a moment before thundering away. She held her breath until no more sound was heard in the hallway. In a flash he grabbed her and hurried down the hall. She counted the doors, trying to remember exactly how she’d have to get out. 5 doors. End of the hall on the right. She engrained that in her memory. 

James pushed open the door and whirled them inside before quietly shutting the door. Natasha moved to turn on a little lamp by the bed when his wrist caught hers. 

“Shh…” he breathed, “No lights. They’ll come in and check.”

She nodded and looked around the dark room. Her eyes adjusting. “You have your own room..” She smiled, “I’m so jealous.”

He laughed breathlessly, “It’s for our protection. The trainings make us unstable some days. Roommates would just create problems.” He talked in barely a whisper. “It’s a jail cell.”

She kissed him softly, “We both have our own prisons.”

“Doesn’t feel like a prison when you’re here.” He swept her into him, his hands sliding down her sides. He pushed her backwards and kissed her as she sat on the bed. He knelt and slid her boots off. Setting them down on the floor with precision and caution to not make any noise. 

He slipped his shoes off and dropped his jacket on the chair at the end of the bed. Natasha scooted up the bed leaving plenty of room for him on the bed that seemed like it was too small for him and the other soldiers. 

James laid down and turned to face her. Their bodies impossibly close together. His pillow smelled of him, the rich, heady scent she had grown accustomed to. His thumb brushed against her cheek as their eyes met for the longest time. 

“What’s going on in there?” He asked softly, his fingers dragging across her temple.

“Nothing..” She breathed, “And everything…” She smiled. “You.”

His breathing quickened. His eyes full of need. Her hands brushed against his chest. 

“Kiss me like you did in the alley.” She breathed. She nodded as he looked over at her. Her admission that she wanted this as much as he did. 

James’ lips were on her in seconds. His hands roaming her skin beneath her shirt. She shivered as his engineered hand left a trail of goosebumps on her skin. James kissed down her neck while his hand efficiently tugged at the knot that held her shirt together. 

His lips brushed over her shoulder, across her collarbones and across the soft swells of her breast. She breathed shallowly, her fingers brushing through his hair as she was lost in the feeling.

He slipped the shirt away after moments more of kissing her pale skin. His lips rested against the hollow under her ear. “Beautiful…” He breathed. 

She murmured in response. Her fingers tugging at the buttons of his shirt as he held himself up above her. His shirt joined hers on the floor. Her eyes on the bionic arm, how the metal fused with his body. Her fingers danced over the joint. She leaned up and pressed her lips against the cool metal. 

“Did it hurt…” She whispered. Her fingers tracing the scars. A question she had never asked him.   
“I don’t remember it happening.” He sighed softly. “Can’t hurt if I don’t remember it.” His lips captured her in a hard, deliberate kiss that told her he’d rather not talk now. His hand trailed down her stomach to her leggings. Her stomach fluttered while her hands tangled through his to trace the hard ridges of muscles spanning his chest and stomach. 

In a swift tug he dropped her leggings to the floor. His hands skimming over her thighs as he pulled back from the kiss. Natasha leaned up and faced him as he sat back on his legs. Her fingers working down his chest, taking her time admiring him. She tugged at his belt and made quick work of the zipper. James simply watched as she took her time. 

In moments the score was equal, their clothes shed on the floor. She smiled at him across the bed. She bit her lip and reach behind her back to unclasp her bra. James caught her hand as she dropped her bra to the floor. Tugging her back into him and pressing her down into the bed. His hands brushed across her chest. His lips sliding down against her throat. 

“James..” She panted, her legs nestled around his hips. 

“Shh..” He smiled and kissed her hard on the lips. His fingers tugging down her panties. He nestled between her legs and traced his hand down her side. His fingers sliding over her to the apex of her thighs. 

Natasha gasped against his lips. Suddenly feeling more nervous that she had previously let on. James pecked her lips and looked down at her. “I can stop..” He breathed, his eyes worried.

She shook her head, “No… I’ve… I haven’t..” She admitted. She didn’t know much. 

He smiled, “Don’t worry, Tasha.” He kissed her lips again. His fingers sliding between her legs. 

Her eyes fluttered shut, his fingers drawing light circles around the most sensitive art of her. She whimpered and ran her hands down his back.

James smiled against her lips, his fingers moving faster. Natasha’s body responded so well to him. His lips traveled to her shoulder as he teased a finger inside her.

“James…” She breathed, her hands pawing at his back. Sliding further down, she tugged at his underwear. Her quiet plea to take this further.

He slipped his underwear off and laid over her. His hands urging her legs around his hips. “Beautiful…” He whispered against her ear. 

Natasha could feel him hard and wanting against her thigh. Not that it scared her. She was more afraid of her heart, and how it felt tangled in bed with this boy she shouldn’t have feelings for. 

James nipped at the flesh of her neck, laying hot kisses against her throat as he lifted her hip just right beneath him. In a swift thrust he entered her. Natasha gasped sharply, his lips covered hers. Stifling the noise. Her hands pressed against his broad back. He settled deep in her and passed the moments with feverish, heavy kisses. 

Moments passed before Natasha lifted her hips, James sliding into her again. He thrust into her slowly. Lips pressed against her throat savoring the soft whimpers she couldn’t stifle. 

He thrust more urgently, capturing her lips when a moan escaped them. The last thing he wanted was to have one of the commanders open the door. He wasn’t afraid of them punishing him. Others brought girls in. They were praised for it. Natasha was special. He didn’t want her ridiculed or held to what ever severe punishment would await her in the Red Room.

Finding a rhythm was easy the way their bodies fit perfectly. “Yes… Tasha…” He breathed as her lips left a scorching trail down his neck. Her hips writhing under his urgently. 

Natasha’s nails spurred into his lower back as his deep, firm thrusts drove her towards her release. “J..James!” She moaned airily. 

He smiled and pressed his lips to hers, eager to give her exactly what she needed. His thrusts sped up as he staved off his release, wanting to see her to hers first. Those delicious noises she made, silenced against his lips fueled him on. 

Natasha’s hands clawed at the sheets under her as her body arched into his. He kept his lips glued to his as she came. Her body writhing under him was all he needed. He pulled from her and stroked himself quickly into his release.

Natasha sank into his pillows, breathing shallowly as she came down from her high. James laid beside her, pulling to towards his chest. She rested her chin against his chest and smiled. 

James’ lips pressed against her forehead as he breathed. “Natasha…”

“Mmm..” She murmured. Turning to look up at him. Her eyes falling on the clock on the wall. She had to go soon. She knew Madame and her teachers did bed checks at 2 am infrequently. She had to be back before then. She kissed him hard on the lips. A long desperate kiss. 

“Commanders stop patrols for 10 minutes around this time.” He offered softly. “I want you to stay…”

She smiled and pressed a finger to his lips. “Shhh.. It’ll be okay..” She kissed him quickly and stood up. She slipped her clothed back on, ignoring the tenderness between her legs and the blood smear on his sheets. She was dressed in seconds and stood by the door. She waved quickly and turned. James moved swiftly after putting on his pants and kissed her again. 

“If it were anywhere else, I wouldn’t let you leave.” He breathed against her ear. 

Natasha pecked his lips and nodded. “I..” She started and thought better of saying such things. The way she felt had no place here. “I’ll see you later, right?” she whispered.

“I’ll leave a note.”

Natasha smiled and slipped out of the room. She zipped through the hallway and outside the window in seconds. It wasn’t hard getting back to her balcony or back up to it. She was in bed seconds before Madame and two teachers did a bed check.


	4. Chapter 4

Madame sat on Natasha’s bed. Natasha having slept through her wrist being released from the handcuffs. 

“Natasha, tardiness for your exams is unacceptable.” Madame stroked her cheek. Blearily Natasha shot up, and blinked. Exams? She still had a day. 

Madame smiled, “Yes, dear. Exams. Your graduation process begins today with your practical exams and your written ones. You are expected for your weapons test in 15 minutes.” Madame set clothes on her bed and left.

The other girls filed by her with cheers of congratulations and support. 15 minutes wasn’t enough time to shower and get breakfast. She hurried to the bathrooms and retreated to the shower. Her body trembled, as she rinsed her hair and pressed her hands into her face. Panic set into her chest as she gasped for air. She turned the water to ice cold and gasped as it washed over her body in icy sheets. The chill distracting her from the feelings, and she was able to get a grip.

Ten minutes as she stood in the icy water. She slammed the nozzle backwards and shut it off. In the last chunk of her time she changed into black leggings, a red long-sleeved shirt made of a material that reminded her of her ballet outfits. Thin and breezy. The leggings were a marvel. Various pockets and loops. Reinforced for durability. She liked them. They were made with purpose, like she was. She wore her sturdy boots that reached her knees, from last night and braided her long red hair in a single plait. 

She hurried down the hallway to the weapons range as three of the training winter soldiers walked in. James the last of the three. He stared at her and whispered as the others filed in. “You’re the one testing today?”

Natasha nodded and threw her hands up in the air. “I barely slept. I haven’t eaten.” She panicked.

“Soldier!” A commander barked. “Do you see the testing candidate in the hallway?”

James pretended to look and called over his shoulder. “Yes, commander. She’s heading this way now.”

“Tell the candidate to wait outside. Guard the door until the test is ready to begin.”

James blocked the door and pointed his finger toward the wall to his side where she could wait out of view. 

He fished a slender bar out of his pocket. “Here.” She said quickly and unwrapped it for her. “It doesn’t taste that great but it’s meant to sustain us on missions without food sources.”

Natasha ate the bitter tasting bar and shut her eyes. She nervously bounced from foot to foot. 

“You can do this.” He scanned the hallway before squeezing her arms comfortingly. He looked so sharp in his military fatigues. The wintery colors mixed with navy and grey. It made his eyes shine and his hair look much darker.

She huffed, “I know I can do it..” She breathed. She had no doubt that she could do everything they’d ask her to today. It was the lifetime that followed her success that she wasn’t sure of.

A sharp knock came from inside the room. She stiffened and looked at the door. James tugged her close and kissed her softly. He opened the door and escorted her in. 

The commander and Madame approached her. James fell into line beside the two other dressed like him. 

“State your name.” The commander said sharply.

She lifted her head and breathed slowly. Madame looked proud. “Natasha Alianovna Romanova.”

“Age.”

“18.” Natasha said quickly.

“Do you know why you are here?” He asked as he thumbed through a file.

Natasha thought that was a strange question. Her pause alerted him, “Speak now child.” He said firmly. 

Child. She stiffened at the word. To him she must seem like a child. “Yes, Sir. I know why I am here.”

He nodded, “Do you know the consequences should you fail the examination.”

Madame stood to the commanders left and watched her closely. “Yes.” Natasha answered.

“Repeat them, child.” He said and snapped the file shut. 

“Death. Failure in any aspect of the examinations will result in my termination from the program and my life. I will be offered no chance to retest.” She said void of emotion. 

The commander nodded and Madame stepped forward. The men moved around the room and inspected a few elements. 

Madame’s cold hands took Natasha’s, “You are the one I have had the highest hopes for. Alina was second to you. You have overcome every obstacle. You have trained the hardest. You will not fail. You never have.” Madame pushed her towards a red line and stepped back.

The commander pointed to three sections of the vast floor in front of her. “Your examination begins now and will progressively get harder.” A table rose through a slat in the floor. It was filled with a variety of weapons essential for her future profession.

She examined the weapons. Guns, knives, darts, explosives, stunning devices. Different colored tapes were placed on the devices. She furrowed her brow and looked around. “You have 2 minutes to use all 35 weapons accurately.”

She watched the commander press a button and mechanical whirring filled the room. Targets plastered on dummies moved around the room. In and out of the ceiling. Across the floor. Rising from hatches on the floor and from the walls. She narrowed her eyes and saw what accuracy meant. Perfect hits and use of the accurate weapon. Each target required a specific weapon. She had wasted too much time now.

“Time starts… Now!” A buzzer jolted her into action. She grabbed as many weapons as she could carry fitting them into the loops and pockets of her leggings. She charged forward. Hurling a green knife into a spinning target. Head shot. Perfection.

Blue throwing star to the eye of a fast-moving target. Stunning device dead center on a red target. It was a blur. She fired guns and dropped them with speed as she grabbed another weapon. A fraction of a second is all she had to match weapon to target or she’d never have enough time. Seven yellow darts found their homes in targets that disappeared every 30 seconds giving her a time crunch to pass that portion. She sprinted back to her table a second time grabbing the last weapons she could carry. Firing two guns at a time, multiple targets. Wasted weapons fell in piled around her feet as she spun, pivoted and aimed in quick succession. She charged her last target. A laterally moving dummy taped in orange with the target wrapped around its throat. She leapt onto it and used the thin garrote to sever its head from the body in one quick rip.

She jumped to the floor as the timer stopped. Panting she brushed stray hair from her eyes and realized she had finished with time to spare. 25 seconds left.

“Behind the line.” The commander stated with a snap of his fingers at her. “Soldiers, assess and score each target!”

Natasha passed by James as she ran towards targets with the other two soldiers. Her eyes met his only for a second and he winked.

Madame held Natasha’s face in her hands. “You did wonderfully. Would you like to see?” She handed Natasha a tablet with video footage.

Natasha watched the soldiers work and clean up the mess she had made. Madame noticed. “Your exam is part of their training. They’re being asked to assess lethality and precision. Weapon identification. No need to work, dear.”

Natasha nodded and took the tablet. She saw herself in a different light. Powerful. Deadly. Fast. 

The commander approached them, “First exam is complete. The exam was completed with a score of 100%.”

Madame squeezed Natasha’s shoulder and motioned for her to step to the line again. 

The second test was an assessment of her ability to choose a weapon for a given situation. 65 scenarios were given to her, 65 answers she had to give. A soldier, not James, she had noticed was recording her answers. The other two were at a door at the end of the room setting something else up. It took a while for the results to come back. 

“Second exam is complete. With a score of 100%.”

Behind her people where filing into a viewing room. Madame and all of her teachers shut a glass door and suddenly this room felt more like an arena. The commander handed her a gun and a knife. She checked the magazine and saw it held two bullets. 

“You last exam will assess how well you use what you are given in a live scenario.” He motioned for the three soldiers to spread about the room. Natasha watched as they held guns and assumed stances against three walls. “Do you understand the terms of a live scenario? If so, repeat them.”

Natasha nodded. It was one thing to nod and say yes. It was another to verbalize it. The commander was a well trained man and smart to ask her to repeat the terms. “Live scenarios end when a kill or kills have been made.”

“There is no time limit. Your score will come from accuracy, type of kill and the time you use to do it. The longer you take the lower your score. That is not to say that quick and sloppy will earn you more points.” The commander motioned to the soldiers. “They are not your targets. They are here for your protection. Your targets are armed. Any injury you sustain will be subtracted from your score. You will have five minutes to read the files on the targets. Who you kill and what order you kill them in give more points as well.”

Natasha stashed the gun in a loop on her leggings and the knife in her boot. She read the files while the timer counted down above her. The commander slipped into the glass room behind her now. 

Five papers, five targets. She dropped to the floor and spread the papers out. Ordering them in her opinion from worst offender to least. Arson, terrorism, human trafficking, treason, and assassination. She frowned. Three seemed equal. The proof had to be in the details. She scrambled to read the fine details. The terrorist only conspired. He didn’t act. The human trafficker evaded the authorities for years and trafficked children. The arsonist burned down three schools and killed 12 children caught in the fires. The assassin killed a high level Russian politician and his entire family. The treason file only reveal that the woman sold old, low level intel to the United States. 

Natasha knew her order. Trafficker, assassin, arsonist, terrorist, and treason. She examined the details of each person, knowing she’d have no other way to tell their crimes unless she knew what they looked like. To her relief it seemed easy. Trafficker was male, short and bald in his 50’s. The assassin was male, tall, and 23. The arsonist had scars from a burning obsession, an older robust male with a dark mustache. The terrorist had tattoos on his face and a woman was the one guilty of treason. 

She breathed slowly and stood up kicking the papers away and drawing her knife. Despite her order of offense she knew only one posed a serious threat to her. The assassin, who was successful, sneaky and young. He needed to go first. The others were weakened with age or poor bodily condition. 

The timer buzzed and the three soldiers pressed buttons near them on the wall. Three doors open and the targets filed in. Natasha spun and assessed each person. They all had different weapons. She dropped to the floor instantly as the assassin came running, gun raised at her. He aimed poorly as she dodged two shots. In a whirling kick she knocked the gun from his hand and buried the knife deep into his neck. Messy. She knew she’d be docked, but her biggest threat was eliminated. 

The others had recoiled from the gun shot. She spied the trafficker hiding behind the arsonist. Natasha ran as a knife whirled past her. The trafficker raised a taser and fired it blindly in his fear. She ducked but not soon enough. A barb buried itself in her leg. The charge was weak, the fool hadn’t let it power up before firing. For that she was thankful, though it still hurt. She sliced the line connecting the barb to the taser and scrambled to her feet. Her skin tingling. She hurled her knife at the trafficker a hit straight to his heart. Dead before he hit the floor. Thundering footsteps behind her alerted her to the next opponent. But not one high enough on her list to kill yet. The woman charged at her with a lead pipe. Natasha kicked the woman off her feet and spotted the scarred arsonist with throwing stars. 

She tackled him as he fumbled with the weapon given to him. He threw one as she ran but it sailed past her shoulder, only nicking her skin. His fist swung toward her face, and easy block. She grabbed his arm and ripped it to the side, snapping his wrist. 

A heavy blow landed against her shoulder and skimmed her head. Knocking her off the man and sending her rolling away. The woman had doubled back and seemed like a much bigger threat than Natasha had figured. The pipe slammed inches from her legs. Natasha jumped up and fired her gun. A quick bullet through the head. 

Two left. A throwing star sunk into her leg. Natasha hissed and staggered to the side as the last two teamed up. The terrorist brandishing a knife. Natasha charged keeping in mind the time that had passed. Passing by the body she left the knife in, she grabbed it and hurried toward the two men. They swung wildly as she passed between them. Sending two sharp kicks to their heads simultaneously. 

Natasha swung around to target the Terrorist who snatched a handful of her braid and yanked her to the ground. She yelped in pain and blocked his stab at her chest with her arm. The blade slicing deep into her skin. His howl of pain overtook her as her angle downward gave her a clean shot to slide the artery in his leg. Blood gushed from his leg, in seconds he’d be dead with the wound she inflicted. 

She jumped to her feet and spun to find the arsonist motionless on the floor. His neck broken from the kick. Her arm stung and stained her new shirt. The blood of her various targets stained her clothes and skin. Natasha dropped the gun to the floor and looked at the glass case. Her time reflecting in the glass. 7 minutes. She gasped and dropped to her knees as she trembled. She breathed deeply as the commander and Madame approached.

“On your feet, child.” He commanded. Madame snapped her fingers. 

Natasha stood up slowly, panting still. The commander pointed to two of the soldiers to examine the kills. 

“Barnes. Examine the trainee for injuries.”  
Madame watched closely as James marked a blank diagram of a body. Madame pointed out injuries as James recorded. His eyes catching hers every so often. 

Natasha was focused on the people she had killed. Criminals which made it easier. She had to do this or she’d be dead. Part of her worried how many more she’d have to kill before the testing was complete.

The commander approached her as Madame stepped away to talk with her ballet teacher. “If your injuries require it, you may sit.”

Natasha nodded as James followed the commander to review the scores with the other two soldier’s findings.

Five minutes she stood, stifling the blood spilling from her arm. She took her tattered shirt off. Using the thin material to make a temporary bandage. She was enhanced with serums to heal quicker than normal but serious injuries like this one would require more support to heal. The pink sports bra she wore was stained with blood from the nick to her shoulder. She spotted James looking at her as the commander talked to him. She looked away as finally people approached her. 

“Natasha Alianovna Romanova, you have complete the third and final examination in this session.” The commander held a file with her name on it. “Out of a maximum of 100 points, Miss Romanova had received a passing score of 95. 5 points being withdrawn only for the injuries sustained. One major injury, and three minor.”

Natasha nodded and looked at Madame who seemed very pleased. “this weapons examination is complete, and Miss Romanova will report to the studio for endurance and precision examinations with her instructors in two hours.”

“Barnes, escort the trainee to medical and report back for clean up.” The commander dismissed them.

James opened the door and motioned for Natasha to lead the way. She ducked down a hallway and entered a private bathroom. James ducked in after her. With the door firmly shut Natasha turned the faucets on full force. 

“Tasha.” James said softly and kicked the lid down on the toilet, pushing her to sit. “You did it. Do you know what they were saying while we ran your last numbers?”

She sighed softly, “No.. What?”

James wet a towel and wiped the blood from her face. “That your scores broke all the records previously held. No one has ever gotten a 95. You are magnificent.”

She smiled weakly. “I’m so tired.” She looked up at him. Knowing her ballet teacher she would be doing routines until her toes bled.

With her face clean he leaned down and kissed her softly. His fingers brushing hair away from her eyes. Her hands rested on his arms. He pulled away and kissed her forehead. “Let’s get you to medical. You can sleep and get some food after they fix you up.”

She nodded and stood up. “Kiss me again..” She breathed. She wouldn’t know when she’d seem him next. Or how long the tests would go today.

James pressed her against the wall softly, his lips teasing hers with short, quick kisses before she became impatient and deepened the kiss. James laughed and pulled away moments later only because he needed air. 

He opened the door and let her lead the way again. Once in medical he left to fulfill his duties. Natasha’s doctors applied creams to heal her cuts and gave her three shots of serums to heal her injuries. They sent her off to shower again and fed her a hearty lunch. On her bed in medical she was finally allowed to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First part of her graduation is done. More tests to come! I honestly do not know anything about what the Red Room graduation is like. Only from the small glimpse of it in Age of Ultron. Anything you guys want to see her do for a test. Let me know. I'd love to write a few more test chapters. This one was fun!


	5. Chapter 5

Natasha was shaken awake by a doctor. “You are needed for your exam.” He nodded to a soldier waiting for her again. 

James was waiting at the door frame as Natasha was handed clothing again. In minutes she was changed behind a partition. Her black leotard dipped down her back, revealing bruises from the first test that still lingered. A blue bruise spanned her shoulder. While it didn’t hurt the coloration was startling against her skin. The cuts had faded to pink scars. She knew they’d be invisible by tomorrow. 

She tightly braided her long hair and twisted it into a bun atop her head. White tights and a red thin skirt. She approached the door and followed James wordlessly. It was a long walk to the ballet studio from medical. James radioed to his commander through a device on his wrist, “Escorting the trainee to the test now.” 

The hallways were empty. She knew everyone would be at this exam. She had watched countless exams in the studio. Girls pushed to the breaking point and then past it. Drill after drill until they dropped. Everyone dropped. It was a test to see how hard they could push past their physical limits and perform. 

“Why is it that you are here?” She asked quietly as they walked. “I don’t remember the soldiers being involved before.”

James nodded, “It’s new. I’m done with my training. They’ve asked me to help. With the Red Room now.”

Natasha looked up at him, “I didn’t know you were done.”

He shrugged, “Neither did I. I guess I work for the Red Room now until I’m needed by someone else.”

She rounded a corner and started descending the stairs. “We never talk about you.” She whispered.

James nodded, “There’s not much to tell, Tasha.”

She paused and looked up at him, “Don’t sell yourself short…” She started but he cut her off.

“Keep walking trainee!” He said loudly at her. She startled noticeably and spotted three girls heading down the stairs quickly. 

She kept moving slowly as the girls passed and disappeared. James’ hand brushed down her shoulder, a silent apology. It was too risky for them to talk.

“When can I see you?” She whispered.

He shook his head. “I have a mission tonight.”

She stared at the ground. Tomorrow she’d have her procedure most likely. She suddenly felt so dumb for needing him. For wanting to see him. 

“I can walk myself.” She shook her head and hurried forward.

A sharp hand caught her wrist. James leaned in closely, “So do you if you pass.”

Natasha frowned and looked at him quizzically. He looked upset with having divulged information. She tugged her hand away, “Is this how it is now? What happened to two days?”

James furrowed his brows and straightened up. “Natasha…” He breathed.  
“No.” She whispered and hurried down the rest of the steps. She reached the door without her escort. Madame looked unhappy with that. 

The commander cornered James at the door and looked furious. Madame pressed shoes into Natasha’s hands. “Put them on and take to the center of the floor.”

Natasha moved to the center of the room and quickly put her pointe shoes on. The room was stuffy. Uncomfortably hot with all the extra bodies. She stood gracefully and held her head up, looking at her dance teacher for instruction. Perfectly poised and awaiting instructions. The commander shut the door and James filed in to the left and stood against the wall. She breathed slowly and let the frustration.

Her teacher stood by a stereo and addressed her. “You will be asked to perform a variety of songs for the first phase of your test.”

Natasha nodded. Knowing she wouldn’t be given any notice to what song he would select. She would have to identify the song in seconds and recall the choreography.

He pressed the button on the stereo and she knew the song instantly. She leaned onto her toes gliding across the floor. 8 minutes of spinning, bending and pristine balancing. 

“Again.” He concluded, pressing the button again. Natasha’s ear picking up the quickened tempo. He played the same song only faster. 

8 minutes had her heart pounding as she kept up with the faster tempo. 5 more songs he played after that with no time between. As a song ended the stereo seamlessly led into the next song. The stifling room did nothing to help her control her breathing. Sweat trickled from her hairline. Her body tested already with endurance. 

Her teacher snapped his fingers and pointed to the bar behind her. She knew what to do. The warm ups, the stretches that brought no relief. Stretching was a chore. 

He called out positions, stances and bends. One at a time at first them building into multiples. Expecting her to remember. Twice he paused and called her to repeat all the moves prior. Sweat trickled down her back. It was impossibly hot. Her pulse thundering in her ears. 

“To the middle, Natasha.” He called after an hour of working on the bar. She glimpsed herself in the mirror. Flushed and hair darkened with exhaustion. 

“Spin.” He said sternly.

She spun perfectly and faced him. He shook his head. “Spin until otherwise instructed.”

She knew this was the end. She remembered now. How the girls who tested before her would spin, and spin until either exhaustion or failure presented. So she spun. It was easy at first. Whirling turn after turn. Propelling herself around and around again. To her left after each revolution she heard a clicking. Someone keeping count. She lost track herself until she wobbled having lost her spot to train her eyes. 

“Again.” He reached for the clicker. “54, I expect that you do not stop until you’ve doubled that.”

Natasha panted. 108. No one had been able to do that. Why did it feel so hot in the room? She hurled herself into another spin. The first 10 were easy. The following 30 were done more on muscle memory than her own volition. By 50 she was shaking. Her breathing out of control. 

Some of the younger girls began cheering for her. Encouraging her. Begging her not to fail. 60 turns. Her toes hurt. Her calves and thighs on fire. Her vision blurry. 75 turns, she wobbled mid turn. In a second she corrected, and hurried to keep spinning. A high pitched whining buzzed in her ears. She lost count. How many had she done? She gasped as she turned, willing herself faster. Faster and she could be done. She had to be close. 108. 

She reached her limit, where her aching muscles in her legs said no more. She fell from the points of her toes. Her lips dry, her mouth dry. Ears ringing. Her teacher’s lips were moving but she heard no sound. Madame seemed to be smiling as her vision darkened. 

Natasha woke up, her hot skin pressed against the cold floor. It was quiet now. The girls had been removed. She was left with Madame, the commander, and her teachers. She blinked and sucked air deep into her lungs. James cleared his throat and alerted the commander.

“She’s woken up.”

How long had she been out? She stiffly pushed herself up, rubbing her cheek. She knew when girls fell in this exam, nothing was done to revive them. If they died it was because of weakness. If they woke up, they passed.

“Stand, Natasha.” Her teacher said sharply.

She shook as she stood. Her body protesting each movement. James looked angry. Her eyes darted from his to her teachers. 

“Congratulations, Natasha. You have completed your test. You have passed. Your written examination will begin in an hour.” Madame delivered the good news.

The commander approached her, “Child do you need assistance getting to medical?”

Admitting so would show weakness. “No sir.”

The hardened man looked surprised. “Madame you have produced a brave one.”

Madame smiled proudly. “There was never any doubt that she wouldn’t break records.”

The commander motioned to James, “Barnes escort this brave one to medical. Try not to let her outrun you this time. Shouldn’t be too hard, she’s half dead.”

They were left in the studio. Her teachers hurrying off to set up her exams. Natasha dropped to the ground. Her fingers numbly unlacing her shoes. James shut the door and hurried over to her. 

He pushed her hands out of the way and tugged the knots loose for her. “I can do it.” Natasha breathed. 

James stilled and pulled his hands away. “Tasha…”

Tears washed down her cheeks as she tugged her shoes off. He reached forward and brushed her tears away. 

“What are you doing?” She breathed. 

“I’m worried about you. Why are you upset?” He whispered, his hand traced up her calve. The muscle tight and spasming under his hand. Her gently worked the muscle trying to alleviate the pain.   
“Because…” She breathed. Emotion flooding her. “I don’t want this to be two days. I want this to be forever. I don’t care what they do to me tomorrow. I’ll lie. We’ll make it work. I l…” she wanted to say how she felt. To finish the words that scared her. 

James smiled and cupped her face, “Say it, Tasha…” He whispered and winked. “You should be afraid of anything. Now with how strong you showed everyone you are.”

She kissed the inside of his wrist, “I.. I love you..” She murmured.

He kissed her softly. How reckless they were being. She didn’t care. “I love you Natasha.”

She hiccupped and crawled into his arms. James cradled her against his body. After a few moments he looked down at her. “Are you done being mad at me?”

She smiled weakly, “For now.”

His thumb brushed over her cheek. “You’re so pale… You need to get to medical so they can help you.”

“I’m fine, James. I just need to sit.”

He shook his head. “Do you know why they made the soldiers watch?”

Natasha furrowed her brows, “No…”

He sighed, “Because we need to be able to see and assess when a member of our unit is pushed too far. What happens when people are fatigued and pushed to the extreme.” He glanced at the floor where she laid after she fell. “You were lifeless on that floor for 15 minutes like a broken doll. They talked to the girls in the room. Saying if you were truly not weak you would wake up.”

She lowered her eyes. “But I woke up..” She smiled weakly. 

He smiled, “I’m so happy you did, Tasha.. I’m just saying… You need to go to medical and get some fluids.”

He got up and pulled her up with him. Her legs buckled under her. She hissed and grabbed onto his arms. She breathed deeply and stood up. 

James slipped his arm under her legs and whisked her off the ground. Natasha protested, “No, I need to walk to medical.”

He sighed and gently set her down, “You can barely stand.. but you’re going to walk three flights of stairs?”

“I have to.” She gathered her shoes and limped to the door. Each step was agony to her bleeding toes, and overworked muscles. James followed her slowly, watching sweat pepper her forehead as she climbed the first set of stairs. 

At the top of the stairs she panted and leaned against the wall. “I know you don’t get it… but weakness is everything here. Your training is to identify weakness and stop it. Mines to find weakness and push past it. Girls dance on broken toes. Fight with fractures.”

He admired her for it. The strength she forced herself to have in the face of an obstacle her body was fighting her to back down from. She gripped the railing and pulled herself forward up the stairs. Her foot caught a step and sent her tumbling down. The commander had been coming down the stairs and paused.

He grabbed Natasha’s arm and helped her up. He had a kindness now, away from the training room. She had begun to like this man. How him calling her child and brave one seemed fatherly. 

“Still fighting, I see. Different enemy this time?” He asked her quietly.

Natasha panted, “Yes, Sir.” Her body being the enemy now.

He patted her shoulder, “If I ever have a daughter. I shall tell her about you. I hope she’d be like you.”

Natasha smiled. The commander looked at James sternly. “Why is it that I’ve come to see this injured child is in fact not in medical and falling down the stairs?”

James answered quickly, “Sir she refused my help.”

He looked to Natasha who nodded. The commander smirked. “Miss Romanovna, please let this soldier help you. Your testing is over for now.”

Natasha stepped aside and let James pick her up. The commander continued his decent down the stairs. “And Barnes… Stay with her in medical. Make sure she rests for the remainder of the time.”  
James headed up the stairs after answering his commander. He looked down at her when he was out of earshot. “How is it that you make me look bad every time he is around?” 

Natasha shut her eyes, “That is not my fault, you do that all on your own.” She teased and let her head rest against his shoulder. 

James’ laughter rumbled deep in his chest. He rounded the corner to medical a minute later. He set her down on a bed and let the doctors do their job. He waited out of the way. Watching Natasha get a series of serum injections, and an IV. They made her eat a full meal again and shower.

The doctors cleared out for a training emergency. A doctor approached James. “Can you remove that IV in 10 minutes? She’ll be good to go for her exams then.”

James nodded and watched the last doctor hurry off. Usually training emergencies took at least an hour if they were serious. He drew the curtains around her bed after scanning the hallways. She laid on the bed next to her. Nudging her gently to roll towards him.

She didn’t even open her eyes as she nestled into his arms. He let her sleep for the 10 minutes. His hands brushing up and down her back. Without jostling her too much he reached for a bandage and took her IV out. 

Natasha mumbled, “Is it time?”

“Just about.” He admitted and brushed his thumb over her cheek.

She groaned and sat up. Reaching for her freshly washed clothes from the first test. James stood up and helped her to her feet. “Change, I’ll be right outside. I hear footsteps.”

He kissed her briskly and rushed away. Behind the curtain she slowly changed. She heard several footsteps approaching. 

“Miss Romanova… Madame is here for you.” James said quickly. 

She tugged on her boots and pulled the curtains back. “I’m ready, Madame.” She wasn’t afraid of the written exams. She knew this obstacle would be easy to complete. It was just one more step closer to graduation. That though still struck fear in her. The thought of the doctors doing what ever it was that they did to sterilize her. Consent and she lived. Refuse and she died. Refusal seemed stupid, when she stood here battered and exhausted from proving herself. Acceptance seemed wrong when she had James and a future.


	6. Chapter 6

Natasha sat in a solitary room whose sole décor was a wooden desk, chair and a supply of pencils. Madame delivered three booklets and simply explained that she had as much time as she needed to complete them. She wouldn’t be allowed to leave until they were complete. 

No time for though or emotions, Natasha reminded herself. She worked through the booklets full of scenarios, terminology and questions. Her fingers ached after 10 scenarios where she had to divulge her plans in written form. Identify potential risks, and detail weapons and tactics shed use to complete the mission. 

She set her pencil down and looked around the room. She had finished. In seconds the door opened and Madame swept in to collect the tests. 

“It will be a few minutes before we will know your scores. You will be interviewed in the mean time.” Madame informed and left the room. 

Interviewed? Natasha stood up and faced the door. Who would be interviewing her? What would they interview her about? This she hadn’t expected.

A man she had never seen before entered the room. He sat and motioned for her to sit. “No need to be frightened, Natasha. I am here to have a conversation with you.”

“I am not frightened.” She stated coolly and sat.

“Wonderful.” He agreed and watched her for a few moments. She had already eyed him for weapons. Wondering if this was a trick or a set up. “Who are you?”

She kept her face void of emotion. “You already know that.” She responded. He had called her by name already.

He nodded, “Yes. Is that the answer you want them to hear?” He nodded toward the door. Of course others were listening. 

No that was not her answer. “I am whoever they need me to be. I am no one.” She fixed her blue eyes on him.

“You are so young. Haven’t you missed out on growing up?” He replied.  
“I grew up here. I’ve trained here and they raised me.” 

The man nodded, “That isn’t what I asked.”

Natasha breathed slowly, “You want to know if I regret this. If I resent anything.” She cocked her head to the side and paused, “I can save you a lot of time then. I regret nothing.” She said it so smoothly, so effortlessly that she almost believed herself.

He looked surprised. “I’m happy for you then. But I just find it hard to believe.”

She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms, “I don’t care if you believe me or not. It’s the truth.”

“Is it really?” He pressed. “A beautiful young girl like you. You’re okay with missing out on boys, dates, and dresses?”

“Dresses are impractical. I didn’t need to grow up to figure that out.” She said evenly. “Why should it matter to you if I regret not having boyfriends and dating?”

He sighed, “I’ll be the one asking the questions Miss Romanova.” He seemed to be frustrated with her. Did he know something and his prying wasn’t getting a rise out of her like he had expected?

“Well ask better ones then.” She said sharply.

“It’s not right what these people have done to you.” He said after a long minute of silence.

He was baiting her. Picking topics to test the waters. This interview was a test of her compliance. It wasn’t enough to be strong, skilled and intelligent. She had to whole-heartedly believe in the program. She had to show she couldn’t be swayed.

Natasha didn’t respond, she only fixed her gaze on him. He nodded slowly, “Your silence is more telling than anything you could say, Natasha.”

She sat back in her chair and shook her head. He stood up and paced the room in a slow path around her.

“I work for an organization that rescues child soldiers like you. They think I’m interviewing you. Natasha, help me help you. You don’t deserve this life. You have a future ahead of you. You don’t need to make this the only life you’ll ever know.” He looked so convincing. A lesser person probably would have believed him. Natasha would not fall for it.

“I have a future. I don’t need you or any organization rescuing me.” She breathed evenly as she spoke. 

“Time is running out to save you. You do know what they’ll do to you tomorrow? Don’t you?” He replied. 

Yes in a sense she knew what would happened tomorrow. Just not the fine details. “I don’t see why you need to care so much. I’ve told you I do not need saving. Tomorrow is just another test.”

What she didn’t expect for his response was the gun he produced from a holster under his jacket. The cool metal of the barrel pressed against her temple the second after he grabbed her from behind and tugged her head back with a fist full of hair. 

She had grossly miscalculated the man interviewing her. She breathed quickly and gripped her chair. “You’re going to kill me for not letting you rescue me?”

“Stand up, Miss Romanova. You are coming with me whether you like it or not.” He yanked her hair. She hissed and slowly stood up.

“You’ll never get me out of here alive. You’ll be dead before you open the door.” She said surely. There no way he could get her through the academy without being seen. What she didn’t understand was where her test began and ended. Was this real or fabricated now. Could someone have really infiltrated the Red Room poised as a psychologist for an interview. 

“This is a test, it isn’t real.” She looked at the door. Somewhere people were watching. Evaluating her every move. 

“I assure you it isn’t a test. Let me help you remember that.” The barrel left her head. In the split second he moved Natasha broke his hold and swung her leg upwards. Her foot connected with his jaw the moment the gun fired.

White hot, searing pain erupted from her side. Blood blossoming from a wound above her hip. She staggered to the wall, gasping for the air that had been knocked from her lungs. 

The man pointed the gun at her again. A phone procured from his pocket. 

“What are you doing?” Natasha doubled her efforts to stand and face him.   
He dialed a number, “You are leaving with me, and this place will be shut down immediately.”

She hadn’t worked this hard today and every day for the past 8 years to be taken captive and locked up. She was too highly trained to be treated fairly by any foreign agency or government. She would just be killed to save them the trouble,

She swung her leg outward as he momentarily looked at the phone to check a number. The gun sailed out of his hand. Even injured, she was quicker than him. She slid to the ground, grasping the fallen gun and wasting a single bullet between his eyes. 

The phone hit the ground first, then his lifeless body. She clutched the gun, and stemmed the flow of blood with her free hand. Nothing made sense now. Was it a test or not. Had she suddenly been “lucky” and had a random person try to kill her? The combined fatigue, mental and physical exhaustion broke her down. The psychological battery she had just survived left her questioning her motives and the motives of the Red Room. 

The door flew open and 5 soldiers walked in. Madame and the commander followed in behind them. 

“Natasha… Drop the weapon.” Madame ordered quickly. 

Natasha’s grip on the gun did not falter. James, the soldier in the middle stepped forward. 

“Drop the weapon, or we will be forced to take it from you.” He warned.

Natasha looked up at him then to Madame. “I don’t understand. What was the test?”

Was it the interview or her killing a man. Was it real or staged. Did the academy somehow get infiltrated?

James turned to his commander. “Sir… I believe she’s in shock.”

The soldier to his right nodded.

“Did I pass?” Natasha breathed. Her lips felt numb. “I don’t feel good..” She blinked.

James snatched the gun from her hand and handed it to the soldier beside him. The commander yelled something into his radio device. James and another soldier hauled her off the ground. James took her into his arms as the other soldier pressed a temporary bandage to the wound on her abdomen. 

Natasha was aware James running but she felt like she was outside of her body. Accompanied by another soldiers, James didn’t talk to her. The last thing she remembered was her body being set on cold steel table and blinding white lights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think? Did Nat pass? Did she come all this way to die? Do you think they'll do the sterilization while she's unconscious? Send me your thoughts!


	7. Chapter 7

The soft mechanical whir of machines beeping and humming was the sound she had woken up to three times. Short lived bursts of awareness before she fell back under. The fourth time she opened her eyes and stared up at the ceiling. 

“Natasha.” Madame’s voice came softly. The woman’s hand brushed across her cheek.

Natasha sat up, “Did I miss training? Madame I’m…” She looked around at the empty medical wing. A doctor approaching quickly.

“No dear.” Madame took a chart from the doctor and dismissed him. The older woman scanned the document and then set it aside. “You’ve been unconscious for five days. A combination of exhaustion and trauma has put you here.”

Five days… Natasha grimaced and couldn’t recall that. The harder she thought then flashes of colorfully taped dummies, blood and a resounding gunshot filled her mind.

“My tests… Did I pass?” She turned toward Madame. She lifted the side of the shirt she had on, where she remembered being shot. A small pink scar was barely noticeable. She ran her thumb over it. “I was...”

Madame shushed her and made her lay back. “My dear you did brilliantly. A perfect score on your written tests.” 

Natasha nodded, her brain seeming to be sluggish. “The other test.”

Madame nodded, “There was no other test.”

Natasha breathed quickly, “Madame… What do you mean?”

The woman looked at Natasha quizzically. “There are people who do not like what we do here, Natasha. Your interview went in an unexpected direction. The doctor has been loyal to us for years. You protected us. Your quick thinking and courage protected the programs here and many people.”

Natasha ducked her head. Her training had led her to do the right thing. Her suspicion and inability to feed into his game had deescalated the situation. She won. That in itself made her proud. 

“Normally a girl who completed the tests and interview is given a trial mission. Escorted with a winter soldier for precaution. We feel your actions in the interview do no call for a trial mission.” Madame explained.

Natasha frowned, “Madame.. I’d like to do the mission.”

“My brave Natasha, I knew you would.” Madame smiled and handed Natasha a file. “This mission was selected for you. The Russian ballet is a front for human trafficking. Tonight the head of the organization is procuring new children. He selects girls from the ballet. You’ll be undercover as one of the children. The soldier accompanying you has already been infiltrating as a member of the organization. He will see to it that you are selected, Natasha. You will wait until the man in charge comes to see you. He always spends time with the new ones. Once you are alone with him. You will quietly kill him. The soldier will be taking care of the next in command. You have an hour to prepare. The soldier will come get you from your room.”

Natasha nodded carefully as Madame spoke. The file was heavy in her hands as she skimmed the details of it. 

“I have a room?” Natasha asked.

“You have pasted your exams. Success in the mission puts you one step closer to your graduation. There are details to discuss later, but you have earned your own room. You are no longer a trainee, you’ve proved yourself Natasha. We will talk later after your mission.”

Natasha blinked a few times as Madame stood up. “6th floor. Room 3. Rooms for my successful graduates who no longer need to be grouped with the children. You have more control over yourself now Natasha. Mishandle that control, and mistake it for freedom and it can be taken away.”

“Yes, Madame.” Natasha said quietly.

“Hurry along now.” Madame said as she left.

In minutes Natasha dressed in her old clothes. And left the Medical wing. At the staircases she headed up to the 6th floor. She had never been higher than the 2nd floor for her training. She had visited the 4th floor only once with James. 

She found the 3rd room and lifted her hand to the handle. No locks. Of course. While she was rewarded with this room she still had no privacy. Madame was right to tell her to not mistake this control with freedom. She pushed the door open and smiled as her eyes fell on the simple bed and James lounging on it.

She snapped the door shut and pressed her back against the door. “What if I was Madame or the commander?” She put her hand on her hip.

“Then I guess I’d be in a lot of trouble.” He smirked and stuck his hands under his head. 

She rolled her eyes, “Recklessness doesn’t suit you.” She wandered towards her window and spotted the ladder she had climbed a few days ago. She had a dresser, closet, and a desk. The dresser was filled with the clothes she had and then new things. A closet held a ballet outfit she hadn’t seen before. Probably for the mission in an hour. Beside the closet was another door that led to a quaint private bathroom with a simple shower, toilet and sink.

The mission she remembered, and dropped the file onto her desk. As she passed by her bed James caught her hand. So much had happened since the night she spent with him. She had almost died twice. He watched her take her exams. He saw her teachers break her down.

“Tasha, come here.” He tugged her onto the bed. 

She tucked her legs under herself and looked down at him. Her hands rested on his chest. She toyed with the buttons and pockets on his uniform shirt. Silence pounding around them. She could feel his eyes on her. His hand skimming up and down the outside of her thigh.

“Look at me.” He whispered.

Natasha didn’t know why she suddenly didn’t want to. 5 days ago they had whispered their feelings to each other. Now she was going on a mission. She was inches from graduating. She knew how she felt about him but she worried she never should have said it the other day. He said it back and now this felt awkward. It felt wrong. 

She lifted her eyes to his and studied his face. The strong jaw, a slight shading of hair having grown from his morning shave. Her fingers brushed over the stubble and then his soft bottom lip. 

His jaw clenched, “Are you okay?”

She huffed quickly, “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I be?” She looked away.

She had been swallowing the effects of her testing. Forcing them away. Truth was, realizing her breaking points didn’t make her feel stronger. She felt weaker. 

“You died in my arms on the way to medical. Your heart stopped. Did they tell you that?” He tipped her chin back toward him. Noticing the way tears welled in her eyes yet she furiously blinked them away. “I know first hand what you’re feeling.”

Natasha breathed shallowly, “I’m not feeling anything.” She looked down at him, her eyes void of emotion. 

James held on to her tightly. “Natasha stop acting.”

She flinched at the outburst, “Then tell me how to feel and I’ll act that!” She felt the fear bubble up in her throat. The lump that had settled there since the end of her first test. She couldn’t name the emotion. 

James rolled her onto the mattress, trapping her under him so he could look her in the face. Her words didn’t match the way she acted. Her hand hadn’t stopped touching him. She wasn’t truly angry. She was lost. Her teachers had suppressed every emotion she ever felt. When the real ones came around she struggled to manage them.

He breathed softly, “You are allowed to feel. You know that right? You died, Natasha. You were brought back and that is something hard to deal with. You were broken down, attacked, and tested in ways no one should ever have to. You don’t have to be okay with what’s happened to you. I don’t care how strong you pretend to be, you’d be stronger if you dealt with the feelings. I know you. You’re scared of what comes next. You can’t push me away and expect to feel better for it.” He watched her lip tremble almost imperceptibly. 

Natasha felt a tear leak from her eye. Her breaths coming sharp and ragged. “I don’t know how to feel… All I know is that I’m afraid.” She whispered.

James didn’t hesitate to comfort her. She tucked her head against his neck and he rested his full weight against her. Her sobs were rough and broken for several minutes before he ducked his head to look at her. Her beautiful face was splotchy and marked with tears. 

She felt better, having that off her chest. James’ warm, heavy weight on her was comforting. His lips pressed against her neck lazily. 

“Why’d you say you knew how this felt first hand?” She asked softly.

“I’ve died or wished I’d die several times in my training, Tasha.” He breathed. “I came over here for the war. I was captured by an organization and experimented on. Then I ended up here. Nothings easy. I repressed all those feelings. I didn’t want you to suffer that too.”

James rolled over and let Natasha settle and rest her head on his chest. She looked up at him, “The war?” Something didn’t match up. “What war?”

James looked down at her curiously, “The war, Natasha. World War II.”

Natasha sat up and brushed her hair back. “James… Do you know what year it is?” Her heart hammered. This did not make sense. What he was saying made him more than 70 years old. He looked so young. He looked no older than her. What had happened to him. 

“1946?” He replied looking up at her. 

Natasha stood up and covered her mouth. There was something going on in the winter soldier program. How did he not know what year it was? He seemed alarmed at her reaction.

“James… it’s 2002.” She whispered. She brushed her hands across her face and looked at him.

He seemed to be thinking very hard. In a defeated sigh and rubbed his head. “They’ve done things to me Tasha… There’s gaps in my memory. Some days I remember things, some days I don’t.” 

Natasha paced around the small spanse of wooden floor not occupied by furniture in her room. “How old are you? You look young.”

He frowned, “I was 19 in the war.”

She grimaced, “How? How… How.. is this possible? You look like you’re 19 but you’re really….” She paused and counted in her head, “You’re like 77!”

He thought for a while and shrugged. “I remember being cold. Then waking up here. I had this arm and I’m enhanced, more so than you are.” He stood up and approached her.

“How is this not freaking you out?” She breathed.

“There’s gaps I can’t fill in my life. I can barely remember how this all happened. My life before the war is clear some days and gone the next.” He looked up at her and motioned for her to come closer.

Natasha moved back towards him, her eyes searching over him. The information she had just gathered sent her mind reeling. James reached for her hand. “Does this change how you feel?”

She looked at him, “No…” She whispered. 

He smiled softly and kissed the inside of her wrist. She cupped his cheek and shut her eyes. He tugged her closer and kissed up her neck. Lost in the feeling she wrapped her arms around him as he urged her to settle on his lap. 

James pecked her lips as he fell back onto the bed, Natasha kissed him harder. James’ hands fell to her hips, his fingers working the hem of her shirt upwards as they feverishly kissed. 

Natasha lost herself in kissing him. Her fingers roaming over the buttons of his uniform. James’ fingers knit into her hair as he placed hot kisses against her neck. 

Natasha bit her lip and suddenly gasped. “Oh! We can’t… not now!” She tugged her shirt down and sat up. James looked up at her, flushed and still touching her. His hands roaming up her thighs on either side of his hips. “Someone’s coming soon to go with me. I have a mission.”

She trapped his hands on her legs so she could think straight. “You can’t be in here when they come. I need to change and read the file.” She scooted off his hips and hurried to her closet.

James took a second to tuck in his uniforms shirt and stood up. “Alright then…”

She pouted and looked up at him, “Come find me later... My window isn’t far from the ladder.” She hurried by him and kissed him quickly.  
“Of course, Tasha. I’d wish you good luck, but you won’t need it.” He slipped out the door and shut it quickly.

With him gone she changed into the pale pink leotard, and white skirt. Nude tights and simple flats for now. If the mission required her to perform she’d use her pointe shoes. She braided her hair and looped it into a bun. The unfortunate part of her outfit was that there was no spot to conceal a weapon. She’s have to be resourceful. She’s have to kill this man with something she found or with her bare hands. 

An hour had almost passed and she paced her room. Having done her makeup to appear younger. More innocent, and more appealing to the foul men who made a living selling children. A sharp knock came from her door.

Natasha opened it and found James standing outside dressed in black pants and a simple red shirt. His hair was styled nicely. She looked at him quickly before noticing the commander and Madame with him.

“Miss Romanova. Barnes has been under cover in this mission for a while. You are joining him. In time you will take the lead on your own missions. Today you are assisting my soldier. You will do as he says, understood?” The commander asked. 

“Yes, Sir.” She replied quickly. 

The commander smiled at her, “That doesn’t mean that you are in any way less qualified. Barnes has worked for months to establish himself as one of the men involved. A hard thing to manage. The man running this ring, Lukas Barkov does not easily accept new comers. Barnes will get you where you need to be. Once alone with Barkov, execute your mission. Barnes will have a separate mission from yours.”

Madame handed Natasha a golden butterfly hair pin. She made a show of showing her that the wings were sharp. “Perhaps this will be helpful.” Madame pinned it in her hair at the front of her bun. 

Natasha followed Madame to the ground floor of the academy. Through a back door a car was waiting. James motioned for her to get in. An older man was driving the car, separating him from them in the back was a tinted glass screen. Once settled James knocked on the glass twice and the car took off. 

“Why didn’t you tell me it was you?” She whispered.

He smiled, “You were so intent on getting ready. I didn’t want to bother you with it.” 

The streets of Moscow were growing darker in the evening. “How long have you been working on this mission?”

“Almost a year.” James said softly, “They were going to graduate Alina first and let her have this mission. She was older than you. I wasn’t able to get anywhere near Barkov for a while. I suggested to Madame that we use a girl to kill him. Your teachers all agreed you were ready to do your tests.” 

Natasha nodded stiffly, “Once we are there what’s going to happen?”

James looked at a watch on his wrist. “I left Barkov last night, entrusted to bring new girl for the lineup today. When I bring you in, you’ll be taken a holding dressing room backstage. Other girls are going to be there. It’s really important that you act like them. Scared. Fearful. I know you can act, but Barkov will know something is up if you are outwardly brave or defiant. He’s a disgusting man, and so are the others. Try not to feed into it.”

“I’m not going to blow this mission, James.” She warned quickly and gave him a firm look. 

“You say that, but Tasha… You’ll know why I’ve said it when you see the girls. The way they look at them. They’re younger than you. You’ll be the oldest one by far. I’ve told them you’re 15. Barkov is going to pick a handful to send to a secondary location. The others will be sold to private buyers. I promised Barkov you’d be a good fit for the selection. When he picks you, you’ll be taken to a private room. He visits each girl. You’ll be first. That way he doesn’t get to hurt anyone else this time.” He handed her an inconspicuous beaded bracelet. Childlike in appearance, which seemed to make her appear younger. He pointed out the larger bead in the middle.

“What is it?” She asked quickly.

“Communication device. When you’re done, radio me.” He nodded toward the building they were pulling up to. The car had gone around the side of building, pulling up to a back entrance. Secluded. Hidden from passersby. Two men stood by a door. She identified the assault rifles in their hands.

Natasha’s stomach tightened as the car stopped and James got out of the car. He opened the door and looked at her firmly. He didn’t say anything as he gently brushed a thumb against her arm before wrapping his fingers around it and tugged her out of the car. He was already acting, and she needed to catch up. 

She ducked her head as James tugged her toward the door. The men nodded and pushed the door open. They walked down a dark hallway. A song played from the stage as she passed it. One of the ones she knew by heart. Several more armed men waited by a dressing room. James pushed open the door and shoved her inside. She knew he didn’t mean it but the action helped her continue acting. 

Inside the room she pressed against the wall. She counted 13 more girls. The youngest couldn’t be more than 7. Two men stood in the corner and approached her. She wasn’t afraid, but playing afraid seemed unnatural. The other girls in the room had real fear on her face. Would they be able to tell the difference?

The larger man grabbed her wrist and instinctively before she could even think better of it she shot her hand out and slapped his away. His discontent was immediate, with the calculated backhand she received to the cheek. The heavy metal ring he wore split her skin. Several of the youngest girls screamed, to which the other man shouted for them to keep quiet.

“The brave ones never last long.” The larger man laughed.

Natasha wanted nothing more than to kill him. She could have done it by now. Instead she noticeably shrunk and lowered her head. She could feel the trickle of blood down her cheek.

Her wrists were tied together with zip ties and a heavy permanent marker was used to draw the number 1 on her upper arm. She grit her teeth and let the men maneuver her into a line. Placing her in front of the others. Her only solace was that she knew she’d go first and the others wouldn’t have to suffer anything else. It was humiliating, being drawn on. Given a number. Branded like cow for slaughter. It only made it easier to focus on her mission.

On the cold floor she shifted and brushed her arm across her cheek. The blood smearing. A loud knock on the door alerted everyone. The smaller of the two men turned to the girls and pointed a handgun. 

“Stand.”

Many of the girls did so quickly. Natasha stood and looked at the door before noticing that no one else was. It was harder to fake fear and mean it. She lowered her head, despite the urge to see who’d come through the door. Several men walked in, tall and heavy set by the sounds of their feet and the combat boots. One last set of shoes walked in last. Fine leather shoes. Nice pants. Natasha did have to guess who that was. Barkov. The leather shoes walked to her first and picked up her chin. 

Barkov was in his 40’s. She already knew that. Dark hair, olive skin, muscular. By the way he talked she knew he was not from Russia. His Russian was forced. Liked James’. Learned. 

“What happened to her?” Barkov shouted.

Natasha, while her head was forced up, did not look at Barkov. Playing afraid. The men in the room shouted in Russian. Blaming her for her injury. That she fought them. They were lying to Barkov to save their skins. 

“This child…” Barkov took a cloth from his pocket and wiped the blood from her cheek, “Fought back and you couldn’t think of another way to subdue her than ruin her face?”

The men’s fear was filling the room. Marking her face was bad for business, even she knew that. Barkov snapped his fingers, almost unnoticeable to other. Natasha saw it. A man from the back fired two shots. Both men who had been in the room guarding were dead.

Natasha flinched and fell out of line like the other girls, shrinking away. More so because she was pushed and not of her own will to protect herself. It was chaos. Men surged around the room pulling the girls back into line. Barkov himself grabbed her arm and tugged her into place. 

He pulled Natasha forward and left to walk down the rest of the line. He pulled 5 more girls forward. Without talking the ones still in line were filed into the next dressing room. 

“Take #1 to the room.” Barkov said as he left. 

James followed Barkov out without a glance back at her. 3 men stayed behind with the other girls and one pushed Natasha down a hallway. He opened the door and pushed her inside. The door locked noisily from the outside. With a backwards glance she saw no way to undo that from the inside. At least not a way a normal person would know. It proved no challenge for her.

The dressing room she was in was probably meant for a prima ballerina. Or a lead dancer for the ballet. It was ornate. Well decorated and comfy. Barkov sat on a couch.  
“Come here.” He said roughly and pointed to a spot in front of him.

Natasha blinked and moved to the spot. 

“You have cost me two men, and you haven’t even been sold. You are a problem.” He stood up and tugged on her bound wrists. Zip ties were an amateur move. She could break from them in seconds. Perhaps others couldn’t and that worked for them.

She leaned away from him. Barkov circled around her. His fingers trailing across her arms, down her back and across her hip. “You know what I do with problems?”

Kill them? She assumed but didn’t say a word. Men like Barkov liked to hear themselves talk. His question wasn’t mean for her to answer it. It was mean to scare her with the possibilities he could do to her for being a problem.

Barkov pushed her forward, her knees knocking into the couch. “You’re either smart or stupid, girl, which is it?”

She knew anger would be next. She didn’t suspect him to lay hands on her so soon. He shoved her into the couch. She couldn’t react quickly enough to prevent getting her hands trapped under her. Her bound wrists were pinned under her weight, Barkov’s hands pushing her into the couch. She was pinned against the couch. She kicked her legs out as she felt Barkov’s mouth on her shoulder. It made her blood run cold. Real fear bubbled in her stomach. This was not ideal. 

Natasha screamed into the cushion as Barkov bit the tender skin against her neck. The last time she had been bit was when Alina fought her in a mock fight and played dirty. This man was sick, she was glad it was her. She’d kill him the minute he made a mistake. 

“Oh, quiet now or I’ll have to kill you.” His weight shifted backwards, a hand pressed against her back but there was the mistake. He wasn’t putting his weight into keeping her down. 

Natasha pushed her arms into the couch and rolled off the couch. Barkov growled and caught her foot. Not quickly enough to subdue her. She twisted from his hold and scrambled to her knees. In a sharp angled thrust against her stomach she snapped the zip ties. 

Barkov lunged towards her, a fury in his eyes. She reached for the clip in her hair struggling to get it look. Barkov struck her before she got the clip free. It skittered across the floor, several feet away. 

He pinned her left hand to the ground, his hot breath blew into her face. “Stupid girl.” He breathed. His hand gripped her knee, intent clear now. She suspected that Barkov’s audiences with the girls were of the disgusting sort. 

Natasha pushed her knees into his stomach, the cement floor tugging at her skin. She jabbed her knees harder and got Barkov to break his hold on her arm. She connected her elbow to his nose and rolled away as he recoiled in pain. She was inches from the clip when his hands slapped against her ankles. Her fingers connected with the clip before Barkov pulled her back.

With the clip she had the control now. Barkov didn’t know it, but he would. She let him overpower her. Letting him think she was giving up. 

He grabbed her throat and stared down into her eyes. Angry dripping from every inch of his being. His hand traveled down to the skirt on her hip. Momentarily distracted by his own perversions. She stabbed the butterflies wing against his neck. Severing the artery there and kicking him off her. She stood up, watching him bleed out in surprise. 

Barkov died in seconds. Natasha panted and lifted the bracelet to her mouth. If it was a communication device how would she hear James respond? She frowned. “Barnes…” She whispered. “It’s done.”

3 minutes passed and Natasha paced the room. It was silent outside the door. The only thing that had changed was the largest bead on the bracelet was flashing red. When she couldn’t take it anymore she approached the door and picked the lock with a bobby pin she found in the room. 

She cracked the door open and was met with the barrel of a pistol. James instantly lowered it and sighed. 

“Follow me.” He breathed and hurried down the hallway. Natasha followed, noting the pile of bodies near the stage. James pushed her into the waiting car and it sped off and he stayed behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the math for anyone who’s going to be upset or not like what I’ve done here. I’ve done my research. James was born in 1925. Natasha born in 1984. James was captured by HYDRA in 1945 ish the end of WWII. I do not know how long James was in HYDRA’s lab and all that. So for my fic’s purpose, he thinks its 1946. Because I’ve made Natasha 18, there for 1984 pus 18 years makes this story take place in 2002.


	8. Chapter 8

Natasha was brought back to the back alley of the academy. Madame was waiting for her.

“How was it, Natasha?” Madame shut and locked the door. Ushering Natasha towards the stairs. 

“Perfect, Madame. No errors.” She said softly. 

Madame gently tipped Natasha’s head to the side and sighed. “Did he touch you.” Her eyes studied the bite mark. Natasha knew she wasn’t asking the literal sense. 

“No, not like that. He bit me. Another hit me.” Natasha answered, trying not to think about Barkov anymore. 

Seduction was one of the many arts of her training. She had only learned about that in the past two years. Seduction was on her terms to play into the weaknesses of men. What Barkov tried to do was nowhere near what her training readied her for. She was aware that her enemies could use that as a weapon to weaken her.

Madame looked relieved. “Get along to medical then. You look tired, I’ll send your dinner up to your room. Tomorrow I will collect you in the morning for your graduation.”

Madame left her at that. Graduation. She blinked and ascended the stairs numbly. What had she expected. Of course she would have completed this trial mission and they would graduate her the next day. Medical didn’t take long to clean the wounds and apply a healing salve. In her room she devoured dinner, ravenous from her mission. 

She threw her clothes in the trash and hurried to the shower. There she stayed for a while soaking in the warm spray of water. She had no choice now. Tomorrow they’d drug her and she’d wake up different.

She had heard from many teachers, including Madame that the procedure was necessary. It took from her the softness, the nurture, and it gave her the ability kill easily. She’d never have to worry about someone being more important that her job. No one could be used against her in the future as collateral.   
She removed herself from the shower later and dressed in black leggings and a blue long sleeve shirt. She perched on her window sill, letting the warm spring breeze dry her hair. Every now and then she scanned the alley below and the window beside the ladder two stories down. James said he would come back.

“You’re an idiot for caring, Natasha…” she breathed to herself and gave up after an hour. Tomorrow she graduated. He already had missions. She’d be sent all over the world. Where ever she was needed she would go. And that is how it would be until she died or someone was able to kill her. 

She moved to shut her window when a noise caught her attention. James was climbing the ladder. In one stretched he reached from the ladder and slipped inside her window.

She drew the curtains closed and turned towards him. He looked freshly showered. The white t-shirt he wore was stretched tight against his chest. She smiled and spotted blue flannel pajama pants.

“What?” He held up his hands at her laugh. 

“You look so normal.” She bit her lip and plucked at the strings of the pants playfully. He caught her hand and pulled her into him. His face buried against her slightly damp hair. 

“How does it feel to have your first mission done?” he asked. His thumb brushing her healing cheek.

She sighed, “Don’t get all sappy on me. It’s just a cut.” She teased and bit his thumb as he tried to examine the cut. 

He laughed and pulled his hand away, “I’m not being sappy. The last guy I took out said Barkov was roughing you up.” His concern was well placed but not needed in any aspect.

“He’s a foul man. I got pinned and hadn’t broke the zip ties. It wasn’t as smooth of an execution as I was hoping to do. I’m fine.” She looked up at him. 

He nodded and kissed her softly. “I know you have questions…”

She smirked and pointed to the bed. Once he laid back she curled up against him. Her toes tucked under his legs. “Why’d you stay behind?”

He captured her hand against his chest and held it, “Clean up.” He said and she gave him a knowing nod. He cleared out the bodies.  
“What about the girls?” She asked quickly.

“I tipped off the police as I left. They’re in good hands now.” He stuck his free hand under his head and looked up at the ceiling. He was silent after that and she knew why. The same way she stood in the shower for an hour and compartmentalized her mission. Broke it down and stored the emotions away. While she only killed one and took a beating herself. He killed many, and pretended to be part of the organization. 

“I graduate in the morning…” She whispered and pointedly looked at her closet. With him she let a little of the vulnerability out. 

“You’re sure?” He asked after a healthy pause. She felt him stir a little and look down at her. 

“Yes.” She bravely looked up at him, “Time’s up.”

His hand tightened around hers. “You don’t know that.”

She looked at him incredulously, “Yes, I do.” She breathed. “Once tomorrow is over, I go where ever they tell me to. And that’s how it is for the rest of my life. I don’t get to one day settle down and have a family.” She reached up for his face and kissed him hard. “I love you James… and today is the last day I can say that. I’ll never forgive myself if they use you against me.”

After the kiss he groaned, “Stop protecting me, Tasha. I can handle myself. No one is ever going to hold a candle to me. I’m the only winter soldier that’s been successful. The 4 others you’ve seen haven’t been able to complete the serums. Their bodies reject it. I’m the only one that will ever be. No one is stronger.”

She frowned, “Is that supposed to make me change my mind?” She asked. “Even if it were like that James... That’s not how the Red Room works. Black Widow means I’ll be alone forever.”

James saw no reason to argue with her more. “So you want me to leave? No more climbing ladders?”

Natasha felt a panic rise in her chest. “No! I don’t want you to go! God!” She buried her faced against his neck. Her body resting over his. 

He was surprised how tightly she could wrap her arms around him. Not that he would ever tell her that she was little or surprisingly strong. He stroked her back soothingly, “Nothing is certain, Tasha. But I do know I love you. I’m always going to. No matter where you go or for how long you’re gone. When we find each other over the years, it’ll be like coming home. Tomorrow doesn’t need to mean the end of everything. We’ve hidden this long... what do you say we try for a little bit longer?”

Natasha was surprised at the words coming from him. So hopeful. So desperate to hold on to what they had. Calling what they had like coming home. He had her cornered with no way to turn it down. Maybe it was true, there was no beating him at anything.

His hands fisted her shirt against her back, exposing her skin to the breeze. Natasha pulled back and kissed him softly. Taking her time savoring the kiss while her hands pushed her hair away from her face.

After several minutes of lazy kissing, James tucked her under him as he rolled. Her long hair spreading like a red fan against the white pillows. “Take that shirt off.” She smiled and plucked at the shirt. 

James flung the shirt off like it was second nature. “What next?” He teased, tugging at his draw strings on his pants.

“Well if you’re offering… then those too.” She leaned back on her elbows as he tossed the pants to the ground too. His hand slid up her leg, tugging sharply at the waistband of her leggings. 

Natasha smirked, “Oh… no you didn’t ask.” She breathed and raised an eyebrow at him.

“Don’t tease, Tasha.” He breathed and tugged her off the bed. He caught her in a deep kiss and worked her shirt up. His fingers tracing her ribs and skimming the bottom of her breast. 

Her breath caught as his hand palmed the whole of her breast, his lips pressing needily against hers. His metal hands tugged the shirt up and kissed down her neck. Her hands tugged down her leggings, kicking them away. Leaving her panties for now. James’ lips brushed across her shoulder and she winched. Forgetting the tender wound there only a few hours healed. 

James brushed her scarlet hair away and darkened at the bite mark. His jaw clenched. “Jesus… the bastard did that to you?”

She huffed, “No… Madame did...” she said sarcastically. Who else would have? As far as she knew James didn’t show any interest in biting the last time she slept with him. 

He shook his head his eyes looking over her skin for more marks. Natasha turned away, “Stop it... I’m fine, okay? It’s disgusting. It’ll be gone soon.” She bent down to put her shirt back on. It made her feel dirty. Now she just wanted a shower.

He kicked her shirt away and picked her up. Instinctively her legs locked around his hips as the bed dipped under her again. His hands skimmed her legs pushing them apart. Her panties were gone shortly. James’ mouth was all over her neck, the side opposite of the offensive mark. His hips ground against her, nothing separating them anymore. 

Natasha’s hands dove into his hair, lost in his lips on her skin. “Make me forget it happened…” she breathed heavily. 

James gave her a hard peck on the lips, his hands pushing her legs apart further. His hand was there again. Circling her sensitive bud again. Slow torturous circles that had her moaning into his kisses.

His breath was hot against her ear as he worked a finger inside her. “Тебе нравится, Таша?” (“Do you like that, Tasha?”) He smiled, nipping her ear lobe lightly. 

She whimpered at his Russian, dirty Russian things he was asking her. Things she definitely didn’t teach him. “Да!" (“Yes!”) she panted as her hips rolled.

James seemed to like it as much as she did because he continued. His finger slipping in and out of her quickly, his thumb working delicate circles still. “Еще один палец?” (“Another finger?”) he breathed.

Natasha gasped forgetting the Russian, “Yes.. Yes..” She panted.

James kissed her hard as his second finger joined the first. Her toes curled, and her fingers splayed against the back of his hips. He could tell she was nearly there. The way she tightened around his fingers. James doubled his efforts, a fraction faster and quicker. 

Natasha panted against his neck, her hips rolling against him. “J.. James..” She warned. 

He pecked her lips, “C’mon… Go on and take it.” He breathed wanting to see her tip over that edge and forget the day. 

She needed no further encouraging. She arched off the bed and tighten around his fingers. Her body throbbing as he kissed her hard again, capturing any moans she couldn’t stifle. 

He withdrew his fingers and pressed her hard into the bed. She felt him now, hard against her stomach, grinding against her for his own need. Her hands pulled his face back to hers as he broke the kiss. She whimpered as he nearly slid into her. She was aching from the absence of his fingers.

“Do you want me?” He teased. His hardness sliding against her wet slit slowly. It drove her wild, he could tell the way her eyes fluttered.

“Please…” she breathed, arching her hip to take him inside her.

James thrust into her, groaning at how hot and wet she had become. She contracted around him still, still reeling from moments before. 

He withdrew and slid slowly into her again. And again. Impossibly slow thrusts that sheathed him fully in her. Her blue eyes were trained on him as he pinned her hip and set the slow rhythm. Natasha was impatient, he had always known that. In the needy way she kissed him. 

Minutes passed and she let forth the sharpest plea, “More.. Please.. I need more.” She whispered.

He couldn’t deny her any longer. She had been panting for more for at least a minute. James thrust harder, sharp and driven. He felt his release looming, in his stomach, the way his body clenched with each roll of her hips. The way he shivered under her nails assault on his back. 

Natasha was muttering in Russian. Words he didn’t know. But the message was clear, she liked what he was doing. In three sharp thrusts he felt her tip over the edge again. Her body stiffening against him. He lost himself inside her. Moaning into their kiss as he came. His hips stuttering against hers, 

Natasha’s eyes were heavy with satisfaction. Her breathing slowed and her body limp against the mattress. James pecked her lips and rolled to her side. He brushed her hair off her damp forehead, the tepid spring air having made the room additionally hotter. 

“Where’d you learn that Russian?” She smiled lazily and turned to face him.

“I cannot reveal my sources.” He smirked.

She gave him a calculated stare before shaking her head, “You and those soldiers compare conquests, huh? What do you tell them about me?” she said curiously.  
James looked like he was being trapped. Natasha huffed, “Oh, please. I don’t care that you’ve talked as long as no one can figure out it’s me.”

James seemed a little more apt to talk after that. His lips brushed her shoulder sweetly. “I wasn’t going to tell the guys. I’ve lied before to keep up with them. You were the first one in a long time. One of them saw the sheets the next day, before I could hide them.”

She raised an eyebrow, “Oh?” she said softly.

“None of them have been successful in getting a girl inside the rooms. They all sneak out. They are all in love with the idea of you. A girl who could make the climb across the wall.” He traced his fingers down her arm as he talked.

Natasha laughed and ducked her head against his chest. “Seriously?”

James nodded, “They beg for details and I give them the smallest ones. I told them about a freckle on your spine once. They think you’re a superhero.”

Natasha was surprised by James’ admission. How he hadn’t told anyone much. Not that she would have cared if he did. “Why are you so nice…” She breathed and kissed his jaw.

“I don’t want them knowing about you. I want that all to myself.”

Natasha surged forward and kissed him hard. Saying things like that weren’t fair. They made her feel things that ultimately she knew she shouldn’t.


	9. Chapter 9

Natasha panted again, for the third time James had gotten under her skin. She got off him and knelt next to him. Now more than ever needing a shower. She was tired but didn’t want to close her eyes. Not while he was there. 

The first rays of sunlight were peaking in the sky. “You’ll have to go soon, right?” She asked. Daylight meant what she had spent all night getting James to distract her from was here. Graduation.

“Soon.” He concluded after a glance at the clock. He got up and grabbed his clothes from the floor. 

Natasha threw her clothes in a basket and turned on her shower. James enveloped her in his arms. “It’s going to be okay… I’ll figure out a way to find you later.”

A wild sort of feeling burst into her chest. His words didn’t soothe her. “Run away with me.. Right now. We can get a head start…” She whispered. 

James looked defeated, his hand bushed down her cheek. “You know we can’t.”

She shook her head, “We could. We can live off the grid. Somewhere no one will look for us.”

James stared at her, “That’s no life, Tasha and you know it. If this is a prison here, hiding in constant suspicion and paranoia... It’s not a life to live.” He pushed her toward the shower, “Get in the shower, Natasha... You’re better than this.” He said firmly. He couldn’t cave to her fear, he had to force her to be strong. 

“I’m not better than this… I’m human.” She breathed, tears washing down her cheeks. She gasped for air, panic setting in. She couldn’t breathe, her hand pressed against her chest. “I can’t… I… can’t breathe…”

James dropped his clothes near the basket and ripped the shower curtain aside. In a swift tug he pulled her into the hot spray of water and watched her gasp. He reached behind him and turned the water to cold, pushing her into the cold water.

Natasha had a vice like grip on his arms. He held her, not that it was too difficult, in the direct spray. She sputtered and gasped before eventually she calmed down.

“Better?” He asked softly, his hands brushing the plastered red hair from her face.

Natasha breathed shallowly, her skin flat white, shivering beneath his hands. He sighed and wrapped his arms around her, dialing the water back towards warm. Several moments passed, Natasha buried her head against his chest. 

“Natasha!” Came a voice from outside the bathroom. 

Natasha gasped and pushed James into the wall as if to hide him. He looked as concerned as she was. While the blue curtain shielded them, this was not good. 

“Who?” He mouthed to her.  
“Natasha.” Madame’s voice came closer. 

“Y..Yes, Madame?” Natasha called. Her hand pressed against James’ chest as he shrunk down.

Madame stood in the doorframe of the bathroom, “I am glad you are up. The doctors are waiting for you in medical. They have tests to run first. No breakfast until after the procedure.”

“Yes, Madame.” Natasha said quickly. 

“Do not keep your doctors waiting, be prompt Natasha.” Madame left with a click of a door.

Natasha stared wide eyed at James, trying to comprehend just how close they were to being in serious trouble. James got back up, and started to laugh.

“Not funny!” She snapped and swatted him. She hurried for the shampoo and worked it through her hair. She dipped her head into the water. In a flurry she washed up and ducked out of the shower. A minute later James emerged. They were silent as he dressed and she dug through a drawer in her towel. 

Light was peaking higher in the sky, James lingered at the window. “You can do it, Tasha. Just like you did everything else.” He smiled and swung out the window.

By the time she dressed in her boots, leggings and sweater the sun was high in the sky. The bright morning light meant the halls would be filled with girls going to their first classes or trainings. Breakfast would be ending soon. She toweled her hair dry and ignored the lump in her throat. 

The walk to medical was gut wrenching. She wordlessly did as the doctors said. Blood tests. Measurements of her height, weight, and muscle mass were taken. A doctor gave her a gown and instructed her to change. 

Ice flooded her veins. Was it happening now? She felt dizzy,

“Miss Romanova the procedure is not happening right now, we need you to change.” He repeated and pointed her towards a partition. 

Natasha changed, her stomach clenching painfully as she returned. The gown made her feel vulnerable. She hated it the stiff fabric that made her fidget. An hour she sat motionless on the hospital bed. Doctors coming and going discussing results of her tests. Natasha heard none of it. A constant buzzing filled her ears. She didn’t move, didn’t dare to let herself think anything. If she thought about it then she felt she’d never stop. 

Swallow the fear, Natasha. She told herself repeatedly. A doctor grabbed her arm, his voice buzzing. She pulled away and gasped, “What?” She asked.

The doctor mistook her actions for resisting. Two soldiers hauled her off the bed their hands gripping her arms tightly. 

“No... You’re not understanding...” Natasha breathed. 

Madame snapped her fingers towards a gleaming metal table. The soldiers pushed her towards it. In a split moment of panic she slipped her arm from the soldier on the right. Instantaneously her elbow connected with his face. He recoiled to stem the blood from his broken nose. She dug her foot and rolled the second soldier over her shoulder. Three kicks to the face, ribs, and stomach sent the first soldier back to the ground. 

The second soldier caught her foot mid kick. In a second she adjusted her weight broke the hold. Her hand connected with his jaw and sent him spiraling backwards. 

The commander ran into the room with two more soldiers. Madame was furious as the commander grabbed something from her hands. In her momentary distraction the soldier got up again and grabbed her from behind. His arm trapping her head, immobilizing one of her hands. She clawed at his hands trying to break the impossibly tight hold.

“Enough.” The commander barked. It wasn’t clear if he was talking to the soldier or her. 

The soldier was a better listener than her, though. The boy let go of her and Natasha wasted no time breaking his nose too. 

“Why is it always you creating problems? Do you want them to kill you?” The commander said to her softly only a few inches away from her. With one look to his fallen soldiers, they both scattered. 

Her expression broke, “There’s no different between that and what they’re doing to me.” She breathed.

He nodded, “There’s no way out of this Brave One.” He admitted, “You can get on that table yourself or I’ll help you do it.”

Natasha looked at the table with disdain. Traitorous tears leaked from her eyes. She almost didn’t see it coming. She managed to move at the last second but the commander was quick in his movements. A syringe sank into her arm. The effects were instant. Natasha staggered, her knees buckling.

The commander lifted her off the ground. The metal table was like ice against her exposed skin. The thin gown offering no protection from the shock.

“Restrain her.” Madame said quickly.

The room spun and whirled. Her wrists were cuffed to the rails of the table. She wasn’t quite unconscious. She was aware and not at the same time. The fluorescent lights flew by as she was wheeled to an elevator at the back of the medical wing. 

She shut her eyes momentarily as they raced downward. In a chilly basement she woke up again. The wheels of the table rattled on the cement floor as they traveled to a door at the end of the hallway. 

The table stopped moving and she turned her head, spotting a tray of instruments. The sight of them made her heart stop. She felt her breathing quicken. 

Someone held her head still, a sharp scream escaped her lips. The shock of it, had they no thought about trying not to traumatize the girls who had this done to them?

“Enough, Natasha. You did not come this far to be so weak.” Madame said harshly. 

A sharp sting of a needle against her neck made her jolt. She felt tears wetting the hair under her head from rolling off her cheeks. Suddenly she felt the comfy sort of warm that you’d feel moments before sleep. Her eyes fluttered shut, opening no more.


	10. Chapter 10

\----Spring 2001----

“Who is he?” Alina smirked mid spar making eyes at the boy in the doorway.

Natasha flashed her gaze to the boy who was just brought into the room. “I don’t know, but you shouldn’t be looking.” Natasha got in a cheap blow to Alina’s ear. 

“Bitch!” Alina blocked Natasha’s next hit and hooked her leg behind Natasha’s trying to trip her. 

Natasha went limp and threw Alina’s balance off and threw her down to the mat. Alina hissed and sat up, rubbing her stinging shoulder.

“I hate you.” Alina growled.

“Only because I’m better.” Natasha said coolly and tugged Alina back up. 

“Line up!” Their sparring teacher barked. In seconds they formed a line facing him. All eyes fell on the commander and the boy behind him. 

Natasha noticed he had a metal arm. Boys from the training program for soldiers almost never were around the red room girls. Natasha heard stories of the soldiers being involved in the tests and graduation. But she didn’t know if any of that was true. Alina pinched Natasha’s arm, “Stop looking so hard.”

Natasha punched Alina’s arm which earned them the attention of their teacher. “Markov, Romanova. Front and center.”

She realized she had missed the teacher explaining something. “Because you two have better things to discuss you can be our examples. You’ll spar with your new sparring assistant.”

“Both of us?” Alina asked with a cocky smile. “How is that fair for him?”

Natasha was busy sizing up the boy. She supposed he was on the verge of being a man. He seemed young, but impossibly strong. The metal arm worried her. 

Madame threw a cautious gaze at Alina, “Your arrogance will get you killed one day.”

Their teacher sighed, “Markov first.”

Alina threw a proud glance at Natasha before sauntering to the middle. Natasha stepped back and was smart enough to study him more. She could careless how Alina performed. 

Alina’s fight was famously short lived. The boy threw her around like a doll. Alina’s pride caused her to make careless mistakes. The boy had a grip on Alina’s throat. The girls face turning purple. She could yield, Madame would be pissed about it. But Alina wouldn’t do it. 

Natasha surged forward and kicked herself of the ground. Her leg hooking his around the neck and throwing him down. Surprise worked in her favor. Alina dropped to the ground. 

Natasha hopped to her feet and kept lower to the ground. He was sturdy and she’d only win by breaking his footing. He swung at her, and she dodged, sweeping her feet quickly. He dropped to the mat. In an instant he had her leg trapped. 

She elbowed his in the chest, earning a huff of pain. She broke away and somersaulted once to her feet. He was up charging her again. She waited for the right moment and arched into a back flip. Her feet connecting with his jaw. Acrobatics being her strength in fighting. He looked at her wildly, spitting blood onto the floor.

She wasted no time leaping onto his shoulders. Locking his head back. He staggered. His hand wrenching her legs trying to get her to break the grip she had. She threw her weight sideways taking him to the mat swiftly. She locked a leg around his head again her hand gripping his human hand. Trying to pin it. With a surge of energy he gripped her hand and hurled her over him. She rolled across the floor. The air knocked from her lungs and she staggered to her hands and knees. 

He was on her again. She blocked three hits before his fist to her abs sent her back to the mat. He pinned her arms in one hand, his legs trapping her legs between him. 

She got a good look at him. Full dark eyelashes, dark eyes and dark hair. Strong jaw. He was looking at her too, curiously. Almost impressed. She knew she caught him off guard and cracked her head against him. 

“Son of a…” He growled and lost his grip just enough that she broke a leg free and pushed him onto his back. She forced his arm up over his chest, her knees digging into his chest. She was slowly suffocating him. 

He growled and forced her arms back. She wasn’t strong enough to pin him for long. She hissed and doubled her efforts. He dug his feet into the ground and threw her balance off. She tumbled into the mat and suddenly he had her. Her arm forced up against her back. His weight pushing air from her lungs just as she had don’t to him. 

Natasha hissed and hooked her free hand into his shirt. Tugging as hard as she could to throw him off. She couldn’t do it. She dug her knees into the hard floor pushing against him, but he forced her arm up higher. A resounding snap echoed in the room.

The boy instantly let go of her as she screamed in pain. Alina who had been sitting against the wall stood up. Even though she and Natasha fought and bickered, she was pissed that she had gotten hurt.

Natasha curled in on herself, her free hand cradling her arm as she fought not to cry. Hisses of pain escaped her lips. Her shoulder noticeable dislocated.

“Jesus..” The commander hissed and pushed the boy back into line. “Barnes I said spar with the girls, not break them.”

Alina hurried over to Natasha. “Get up, c’mon. Hurry…” She whispered. But she had shown weakness too long.

“Get up, Natasha.” Madame stepped forward. Her tone was firm. Alina stepped away no longer able to help her friend.

All eyes were on Natasha. Her face red with exertion and pain. Tears sparkled in her eyes. Her red hair was falling loosely out of her ponytail. She stood, her arm clutching the other against her side. Sher breathing ragged, as her heart hammered in her chest.

The boy stared at Natasha regretfully. Madame stepped closer to her, “Is this fight over?”

The other girls stifled gasps. Others had been made to fight with less significant injuries. “No, Madame.” Natasha grit her teeth. She looked at the boy.

“Will your targets suddenly stop when they’ve hurt you?” Madam asked. Even 

Natasha looked at the floor, “No.”

“What will you do then?” Madame asked and gestured widely.

Natasha didn’t need to answer. She turned back to the floor and readied herself again. She knew she didn’t need both hands to finish the fight. The boy looked at his commander who looked a bit stunned. He motioned for the boy to go back to the floor.

He approached her and readied himself before striking first. A sweeping punch that she kicked away. She hopped to the side and kept moving. Evading hits and kicks with her agility. She had gone from aggressive to defensive. 

She managed to get a hold on his shirt and threw herself into him. Her leg hooking over his shoulder. She swung herself around, toppling him to the floor again. She trapped his metal hand with her legs and pushed his face into the floor with all her might. Her injured arm limp against her side. 

He stretched from her hold and she slipped as her leverage broke. With only one hand to catch herself she was slower in getting up. Again he got her free hand and pushed her down. Her body slumped forward into the ground. The angle aggravating the injury. She yelped in pain, her feet scrambling to break his hold. He forced her second hand back against her back again. 

Natasha grit her teeth and gasped, “Yield!” She panted and pressed her forehead against the floor. She had injuries before but nothing as painful as this. 

“Class is dismissed.” Madame called and the commander moved to talk with her outside. Everyone filed out except the boy, Alina and Natasha.

Alina threw a haughty glance at the boy before tapping Natasha’s back.

“Don’t!” Natasha hissed. Pain erupting every time she moved. 

Alina looked lost. “Fine, have it your way.” She stalked out of the room.

Natasha whimpered and forced herself up to her knees. The boy walked over. “Are you okay?”

Natasha gave him a firm gaze and looked at her shoulder. A telling gesture. He looked at her reproachfully. “I can help you stabilize it before you go to medical. It doesn’t hurt so much when it can’t move.”

She grimaced, “Just pop it back in. They do it to us all the time.”

He nodded and grabbed her elbow, “You know it would be a lot easier if you just went to medical.”

“No. Notice how she didn’t tell me to go to medical.” Natasha nodded at Madame outside the door. 

“Yeah…”

“She wants me to fix this on my own.” She looked up at him. He pushed his hand against her collar bone, and she winced. He seemed to be waiting for a moment to do it. “Just do it. Don’t count. Just…” she breathed and shut her eyes. Before she could finish he jerked her elbow upward. A sharp snap and her shoulder slipped back into place. 

Natasha had cinched into his uniform sleeve. She yelped in pain and felt herself instant slacken in his arm. He grabbed her arm and held her up. 

“Hey, don’t do that.” He reminded and watched her gain some color back.

“Oww…” she muttered and looked down at her arm in his hand. He lowered her arm and her shoulder jutted out again. She hissed and grabbed the joint. “What did you do!” She flushed red and breathed quickly.

He sat back, “I know that that means you have to go to medical. They’re going to have to do something fancy to it.” He looked around, “Give me your shirt.”

Natasha groaned loudly at his comment about medical. She then frowned, “Excuse you?” she huffed.

He laughed a little, “Not like that… I need it to make a sling, unless you want to walk up 3 sets of stairs in constant pain.” He had a kindness in his eyes that intrigued her. 

She tugged her thin white shirt off and handed it to him. No stranger to being in leggings and a sports bra for training. “Here… Work your magic.”

In a few seconds he ripped the shirt and used it to stabilize her elbow from moving and wrapped it across her body to knot at the other shoulder. He finished and stood up. Carefully he helped her up and stepped away. 

“Why are you still here?” She asked bluntly.

“I feel bad.” He admitted and motioned to her shoulder.

“Don’t. Last week a girl fractured her pelvis in a spar. This stuff is normal.” She looked up at him. 

“That’s messed up.” He said and looked at the fresh bruises on her hands and arms. “You were really good. Better than the others, you know that?”

She smirked, “I have my suspicions…” She pressed her lips together to stop from smiling. “What’s your name?”

“James… Here they just call me Barnes.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

She nodded, “I’d shake your hand but I don’t want the other shoulder dislocated too.” She laughed at her joke.

“You’ve got me cornered there...” He held up his hands in defeat. “Tasha was it?”

She like the way he said it, “Well.. close.. Natasha.” 

He stared at her for a second before looking away. The commander stepped into the room with Madame. “Barnes, you’re needed in weapons.”

James straightened up, “Take care of the shoulder. You’ll need it in class tomorrow.”

Madame approached her, “Did you figure out your shoulder?”

“With the soldier’s help. It wouldn’t set back in.” Natasha admitted. 

Madame pressed her fingers around the joint, Natasha knew better than to wince or pull away. Bruising was spreading down her arm and back. “Go to medical. There’s most likely a fracture. You can make up dance and coursework tonight after dinner.”

Natasha hurried off to medical following the boy who was several flights ahead of her in the spiral staircase. She swore she saw him look down once and smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natasha is going through some flashbacks while she is under anesthesia. Enjoy the first time she met James. :)


	11. Chapter 11

Christmas 2001

Christmas was the only day off the entire year. Madame made sure the kitchens had better food than usual for meals. The girls were allowed to go out into the snow and play in the courtyard hidden behind the academy’s tall structure. Snowball fights were a fun way to continue training. As much as the free time was fun it was more fun to train.

Natasha passed by a loose floor panel that she had passed 4 times already that morning. Now was the only time that no one was around and she could pull it loose and find the note inside. She quickly displaced the board, snatched the tightly folded paper and hurried to the bathrooms. It was the only place she could have privacy and read.

T,

Up for another snowball fight? I’m sure you’ll want to redeem yourself after last time. 8:30 tonight.

-J

Natasha smiled to herself. For the past few months James would slip notes into her shoes during training. Or the loose board. Several times he planted a rolled-up note in a gun for her weapons class. The notes were usually the same. A planned meeting spot where they could inconspicuously be near each other or passing in a hallway. 

She had 10 minutes to get her things and meet him. She hurried to the dormitory where all the beds were kept. Each girl only had one draw of clothes. She pulled on her warmest socks and tan boots that reached her knees. Her thick sweater added more warmth to the simple blue winter jacket she had. Gloves, scarf, hat in hand she hurried down the stairs. No one was around. Typically on Christmas Madame kept cookies and hot chocolate freely flowing after dinner. She knew all the girls looked forward to it, this year she didn’t mind skipping it. 

It was freezing outside. The cruel Russian winters were relentless. Cold bit at her skin as she tugged the hat on. Her thick red hair insulating her head more. She wrapped the thick woolen scarf around her neck and bottom of her face. She surveyed the yard, the blowing snow made it hard to figure out where he was. 

She stuck to the walls and headed left along a snow bank that used to be a green wall of shrubs. A snowball collided with her shoulder and she dropped to her knees, sinking into the snow. She packed a ball tightly into her hands and watched as another sailed over her head. She caught of glimpse of black against the snow. 

She crawled left on her hands and knees. She knew exactly where he was and couldn’t wait to tell him that it was predictable. The girls and her had built a very structurally sound igloo that morning. He was hiding behind it. Natasha burst forward and slid down a huge bank of snow. She ended up directly behind him.

“Predictable, soldier.” She grinned and pegged him with a snowball.

James laughed and twisted to face her. She dodged his throw and hit him in the face with a loosely packed ball, the powder bursting around him. She beamed and took off around the right side of the igloo. For several minutes they ran through the snow, hurling it and flinging it in any way they could. 

James hurried around the other side and threw three balls at her, all hitting in quick succession. 

“Oh!” She gasped and clutched her heart. “I’ve been hit!” She gasped dramatically and dropped into the snow. She panted as he pulled her up.

She dusted off the snow that clung to her leggings. She shivered and nodded toward the igloo. “Go check it out.” She pushed him toward it. 

James slid down the tunnel and she followed after. Inside it was hollowed out and packed down into a smooth surface. It was roomy, and to the littler girls surprise this morning it was much warmer inside. The older girls had built it to show the little ones that it would be warm.

“Alina and I made most of it.” She breathed. It wasn’t that roomy, James was sitting very close to her.

“if you weren’t the world’s greatest assassins I’d say you two need to be architects.” He pointed out with a smile.

She laughed and wrapped her arms around her knees. “I’ll consider it.” She caught him stealing glances at her. “What? Is there something on me face?” She brushed her gloves across her face. 

He looked caught off guard. “Oh, no.. It’s just…” He added quickly. “You look really nice.”

She blushed despite how cold her skin was. The past few weeks she had noticed the looks. And she was guilty of them too. She wasn’t the only girl who looked too long at their new assistant in sparring. The older girls ogled him all the time. 

“Oh... This old thing..” She laughed and played it off. Snow clung to her long red tresses. The blue jacket, hat, and scarf made her blue eyes seem brighter. It was dangerous what she had recently started feeling about him. Much more than friendship. 

“I mean it, Tasha.” He insisted. “You’re incredible.”

She looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. “James…”  
“I’m being serious. You literally took my breath away that first day.” He said quickly.

She watched him carefully, trying to not let his words stir up the butterflies in her stomach. She shouldn’t have them. “Why, because I threw a decent punch?”

He ducked his head, “Because you’re the strongest person in that room. A normal person would have stayed down after a dislocation. You got back up and continued to kick my ass while in excruciating pain.”

“You won though.” She pointed out.

“Only because I’m made to be unbeatable. That’s why I assist in that class. I’m stronger than any opponent you all will face. Every day you guys try to take me down and you get better. No one’s going to win unless I fake it. But it’ll make you all better for it.” He looked over at her, “You’d be the only one to beat me I bet. You’ll figure out something.”

She smirked, “Watch you back tomorrow, I’ll have it worked out by then.” She teased and shoved him playfully.

He laughed and caught her hand as she shoved him. “You’ll have to be quicker than that.” He dared.

Natasha was never one to back down from a challenge. Her hand gouged up some snow and flung it at him, making him lean away and she pushed him to the ground. Pinning him, “I win!” She beamed.

“Who taught you to play dirty? Alina? What would Madame say?” James grinned.

“Madame isn’t here right now.” Natasha retorted.

He flung snow into her face and she gasped, “God! It’s so cold!” She shook her head.

James sat up and tugged her scarf loose, using the end to wipe the snow off her cheeks. Natasha watched him closely as he ungloved his hands to wipe the snow away from her eyelashes. His hands were so warm against her skin that she unconsciously leaned into the touch. 

His hand brushed across her cheek again, despite the absence of snow there. James pressed his lips against hers. She kissed him back quickly, before she realized what she was doing. Her hand rose to her lips and she opened her eyes. 

James scanned her reaction quickly, “I’m… sorry... I don’t know what came over me.”

Natasha felt a blush crawling up her neck to her cheeks. She shouldn’t like him. He shouldn’t have kissed her. She should not want him to kiss her again. 

“I… have to go…” She gasped and wrapped the scarf around her neck again. 

“Tasha…” James said softly. “Don’t go…”

She looked at her hands, “I have to.. James.. we can’t be doing this.” She gestured to the space between them. “I don’t know about you but there are rules. If I break them I am as good as dead.” 

“Stay, Natasha. I promise it won’t happen again.” James said quickly.

“But I can’t make any promises about myself.” She admitted. She looked at him longingly before hurrying out of the igloo. If she didn’t leave now she knew she’d stay there all night and kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd flashback while under anesthesia. Their first kiss. :)


	12. Chapter 12

Everything felt heavy. Her eyes, her hands, even her toes as she tried to wiggle them. She wasn’t ready to open her eyes, but her ears were ready to listen. The soft hum of machines was almost soothing. Warm blankets were tucked tightly around her.

Voices alerted her to the fact that she was not alone. 

“Typically the ones who have something to hide are the ones who go down fighting on graduation day.” A man commented.

A woman gave a noncommittal noise and papers rustled. “What’s she hiding?”

“Isn’t it always a boy? She’s not the first one to act that way.” The man added. More papers rustled. A machine beeped faintly like clockwork every 10 seconds. 

“Look…” The woman said, the scratching of a pen on a paper was distinct and so much louder compared to the soft humming machines. 

“That’s what she was hiding then.” The man concluded, surprise heavy in his voice.

“Couldn’t be... She wouldn’t have even known. The numbers are so low. Just barely, though.” The woman corrected. “The procedure fixed that.”

“Call Madame.” The male said quickly. “She’ll need to know about this.”

Warmth enveloped her again and the voices rushed away. Natasha felt like she was floating again. The next time she stirred she heard no soft mechanical humming. The room was colder. More voices filled the room. 

“Are you certain that it was taken care of?” Madame’s voice asked quickly. 

“If the procedure didn’t eliminate it, the final dose of her serums would have. The serum attacks the body. There’s no possibility for it to remain.” A doctor answered.

The commanders voice came next, “Do we have a problem on our hands? Did she know? Was this a result of her mission the other day? My soldiers on the job said Barkov didn’t go easy on her.”

Madame cleared her throat, “She’s lied either way. Either she was attacked or hid this. The truth will out when she wakes.”

Natasha heard a doctor clear his throat, “Madame.. According to these numbers it happened nearly a week ago.”

The silence in the room was deafening. The commander spoke first, “A week ago did she have a mission?”

Madame sighed, “No. She was here commander.”

The commander’s boots scuffed against the floor, “I’ll start questioning the soldiers.”

“Madame, she’s waking up.” The female doctor said sharply. Natasha felt less foggy, more aware. Her eyes briefly opening before shutting due to the harsh lighting. 

“Put her back under.” Madame said sharply and left the room. The commander and one other follower here out as Natasha opened her eyes again. 

There was shuffling on her left and before she turned her head she spotted the male doctor unloading a large syringe into an IV in her wrist.

“No…” Natasha breathed, unable to lift her hand.

The man seemed sympathetic, “I’m sorry.” He looked at her with an absolute look of worry.

What had she done? She shut her eyes and let the swirling darkness take her over again. 

When she woke again she wasn’t in a bed. She was fully clothed, her head resting on a cold metal table. She jerked upwards and found her hands handcuffed to the table. Her ankles cuffed as well, to the legs of the chair.

She breathed quickly and tugged her wrists, trying her hardest to break the restraints. It could be done she was sure of it. Angry red welts broke out across her wrists the harder she pulled. Her feet were cold against the cement floor. It was an uncomfortable sort of cold in the room. Her thin leggings, bare feet, and tank top offered no warmth. 

The wall in front of her flickered before a large image spanned the blank space. A high-pitched whining sound she was all too familiar with. One of the many videos she watched full of subliminal messages. Brainwashing. She ducked her head as the video flashed images quickly, a rhythmic chanting filling the room. The words were on her lips like a routine. She fought it. Forced the words back. She wasn’t going to give in and repeat. She grit her teeth and hummed to herself trying to break the pull the video had on her attention. 

The cuffs around her wrists grew hot and a flash of pain erupted from them. A shock from the metal caused her to cry out loudly. The message was clear, comply or be punished. They used to use an electrified stick when the girls were in class. Fall behind or lose concentration and they were zapped. 

Natasha lifted her head in defeat and looked up to the screen. The words falling from her lips from memory. Hours passed. So much time had passed that she wasn’t sure if it had been hours or days. The video just continued, cycle after cycle. Her throat was sore, her back twinged from the forced posture in the chair. She was so tired, hunger wracked her body. Her stomach seemed to be in a constant clench of hunger. 

They were breaking her down. For what? She was lost on what they think they knew. She couldn’t think straight with the flashing images, the droning voices in the video. 

The video cut out suddenly and the silence was a sweet relief. Natasha sighed and lowered her head to rest on her outstretched arms. Two sets of footsteps echoed into the room.   
Her head pounded as she picked it up and looked into the stern face of Madame, and an unreadable expression from the commander.

No one said anything. They simply looked at her and offered no reason for the punishment or their sudden appearance.

Her head was pounding harder, “Madame… What is going on?”

Madame looked at her with a steely anger in her eyes. “You will not be asking any questions, you will be answering them.” She said with finality. 

Natasha frowned and sat up a little straighter. 

“How did you come to be pregnant?” Madame asked sharply.

Natasha laughed, a dark short lived laugh before the angered looks on their faces silenced her. “Are you kidding me?” She gasped in indignation.

Madame’s face reddened, “Have I ever been one for games, Natasha?”

Was this some exercise to see how quickly she’d accept a lie and go with it? How easily she’d buy into something that wasn’t true? She was in no mood for it. “I can’t be pregnant if you just mutilated me.” She fired back heatedly.

The commander flipped open a file in his hands and seemed to look for a paper. Madame’s response was instantaneous. Her hand struck her cheek swiftly, leaving a painful mark across her pale skin. Natasha expected it. Girls who had lashed out at Madame before were punished severely. But it was worth it just to fire the words at her.

“I’ve done nothing of the sort. I took a broken orphan off the hands of an impoverish children’s home. I turned her into a weapon. I gave that girl purpose. And how does this girl repay me, you may ask? Not with success, but failure and deception.” Madame nearly shook with rage. 

“I haven’t done any…” Natasha quipped. 

Madame’s hand slammed on the table, startling her into silence. Natasha’s heart hammered in her chest as the commander slid a paper in front of her. 

 

Patient: Romanova, Natasha Alianovna

Pathology Report: Pregnancy, 6 days.

Natasha read the report. Her eyes glued to the accusatory word. She didn’t believe it. She shook her head. How could she lie her way from this one if it was written to the hour on the paper. 

She though he had been careful. She heard older girls mention it a few times. James knew what he was doing. She looked away. Last night he wasn’t careful, neither of the three times they lost control. But she had resigned that it didn’t matter. It would have been taken care of the next day.

“Who was it?” Madame asked lowly.

Natasha remained motionless. “Barkov.” She said indignantly. She knew there was no possible way when the mission was yesterday. 

Madame raised her eyes to a camera on the wall behind her and gave it a commanding look. Natasha braced, knowing what was coming. The handcuffs sent electric currents shooting up her arms. Only this time it didn’t stop after a second. Madame let it go for longer. 

“Do not waste my time Natasha.” Madame glanced at the camera again, pointing her finger up. Signaling the person to turn the intensity up. 

Natasha felt sweat pepper her forehead. Her fingers were numb from the force of her trying to yank her wrists from the cuffs. 

The commander interjected, motioning to the camera to pause. “Tell me which one of the soldiers it was.” He said gently. Natasha wouldn’t fall for it. He was trying to appeal to the fondness she had for him. He seemed to care for her throughout her testing. 

There was only five of them. Natasha almost figured they probably already knew it was James. She shook her head and stared at her bruised wrists. 

Madame gave an exasperated sigh. The commander tried again, “I’m sorry this happened to you..”

Natasha found the comment strange. She looked up at him incredulously.

“You shouldn’t protect him. It’s our jobs to make sure these soldiers don’t take advantage of the girls.” He continued. “Where did it happen? After a weapons class? Did he find you at night?”

He was insinuating she was assaulted. She felt her face burn with anger. She fixed her gaze above the commander’s head.

Madame nodded at the camera. The electric shocks shook her body on an off for several minutes. It took her just as long to recover. Her breathing was erratic, her wrists started to bleed from her tugging. Lack of food and water, made her weaker. Each round of shocks took more and more out of her. Natasha didn’t bother to lift her head off her of outstretched arms. 

“Is he worth dying for? You’re going to waste every bit of potential you have on a boy? I raised you better than that, Natasha. 8 years of work and you’re throwing it away for love? Love makes you weak. Love is for children. I’ve given you the world Natasha, you need to be brave enough to take it.” Madame motioned for the intensity to raise again. This time the commander seemed unsure of the tactic.

“Perhaps this is enough for the day.” He said shortly.

Madame wasn’t one to quit. She slapped five pictures down on the table. The 5 soldiers. She didn’t dare look at them. She didn’t want to know which one held his face. If she looked at him they would know. Madame knew how to read into a blank stare. She’d know.

There was no way out of this one. She’d have to let Madame kill her. Natasha felt tears in her eyes as the rolled from her lashes to pool on the table. She swallowed her pride and shut her eyes. 

Madame let out the smallest sound of surprise. She hadn’t expected Natasha to lay her life down. Her chair scraped against the floor as she stood up and stalked out of the room. 

“You’re in a world of trouble, child.” The commander commented as he got up.

Natasha sucked air into her lungs and braced for the shocks again. “I don’t think so.. If I was she would have already killed me.” 

The shocks followed instantly. It is exactly what she got for poking an angry bear.


	13. Chapter 13

Madame didn’t visit again for a while. Maybe half a day. Maybe more. If the torture didn’t kill her the dehydration, and starvation would. The brainwashing played on constant loops. The shocks came at least twice an hour. When those two things weren’t enough she was hauled to her feet and forced to stand when her eyes fluttered with sleep. 

So there she stood. Her hands bound to a bar on the wall. She was stretched up far enough that she had to stand on her toes to be comfortable. For the past two hours the screen was void of the brainwashing and streaming an interrogation.

The commander stood before the five soldiers. He had been torturing answers from them. Natasha could read lips, and twice watched two boys give up James’ name. The third boy seemed to be James’s friend and claimed he was the one who slept with her.

The commander spotted the lie and killed him on the spot. James was silent each time he was questioned. He was stronger than the others. The first boy took his shot at claiming it was him. Talking about the freckle on her spine. 

Madame stalked into the room. Natasha read the woman’s expression carefully. She looked happy. The pointed to the two middle boys and they were executed. Somehow they had known the middle two didn’t do it. Natasha gasped. James looked sullen. The other book looked frightened. 

Madame’s lips were easy to read as they said, “Go get the girl. This will end now.”

Natasha shut her eyes and waited for the door that slammed open nearly a minute later. Her ballet teacher grabbed her arm as he uncuffed her. Natasha crumbled to the floor unable to bear her weight.

“Get up.” He barked as she struggled to push herself up. 

He hauled her off the ground and held a vicelike grip on both her arms as he led her down the hallway to an elevator. She couldn’t run if she wanted to. Her lips were cracked from dehydration. The constant pounding in her head told her if she didn’t do something quick they’d very well kill her on accident. 

He led her to a large room filled with machines she had never seen before. In the center of the room both boys were strapped to a chair that looked more like a bed. Large metal plates connected to their head, wires connected to their wrists and necks. 

Her teacher placed her in front of the two machines and let go of her. She swayed on the spot and looked at the first boy. The one who was innocent. Fear was in his eyes. She could almost smell it. His friends were dead. Devotion to his program and his friend got him here. 

She could feel James staring, and she purposefully didn’t spare him a glance.

“What will it be Natasha?” Madame said sharply. “You’ve gotten what you wanted. Here we are. You control how this ends. Both of them die, or just the one who deserves it.”

The first boy lost his composure. If she were closer she bet that she could smell the fear. He gasped for air, trembling and turned to James.

“C’mon, I’m not dying because of some hot piece of ass you couldn’t keep secret.” He yelled at James. 

The boy turned to the commander, “He told us about her. The freckle on her back. How she scaled the building to get to his window. She’s not the only trainee to come to our rooms.”

Madame looked intrigued and furious. “Do you have names soldier?”

“Markov... Petrova… Yashkin,.. and her.” He pointed to Natasha. “She made her way through all of us.”

Natasha knew Alina probably did. But the others… Viktoria… Galina… They were 16. Had they done this? She would not let him continue to slander her name.

“I have done no such thing.” Natasha shouted at him. She was dizzy with anger. 

Madame grabbed Natasha and forced her to look at the boys. The woman’s hand fisting her hair tightly. 

“Which one was the father?” Madame commanded.

Natasha watched the first boy fall silent and stare at James. He had been playing along till this point. “You knocked her up? You are as stupid as you look.”

Madame cupped her hand under Natasha chin and forced her head upwards and to the side. Straining her to the point where one snap to the side would kill her. Her nails bit into Madame’s skin but she was too weak.

“Don’t make me do it Natasha...” Madame said firmly.

James looked stunned. She finally looked at him. It was selfish of her to look. He was motionless, but his eyes held a storm of activity. 

Natasha felt tears leak from her eyes as she made up her mind. “I don’t know which one it was…”

Madame forced her head back in inch further. A strangled sob erupted from her chest. Her neck on the verge of breaking. The muscles stretched impossibly to the side. 

“Stop!” James shouted. His chest heaving. “It was me… I initiated everything. I sought her out. I convinced her to see me. All the time she was worried about the rules. I convinced her to break them anyway. It’s me…”

Natasha felt Madame’s grip on her slacken and she slipped to her knees. Her hands rubbing her neck. Men surged towards James. 

“Reset him.” The commander motioned to a scientist who rushed forward and fired up the machine James was in.

Reset. What the hell did that mean. Suddenly James started screaming. The machine whirring and buzzing against his head. 

“No!” She breathed. Everything was happening too quick. A shot was fired and the first boy died inevitably from the trouble he had caused. 

Madame forced Natasha to watch as James screamed in pain. “Remember this the next time you think to betray your country and think that you can fool me. I made you. You will do well to remember that.”

Madame turned to a scientist. “When he’s done, wipe her memory, except for this day and send her back for brainwashing. 3 weeks should do the trick.”

Natasha felt her stomach heave. Nothing to expel from it. She could feel the electricity in the air. They were destroying him. The acrid smell of blood from the dead boy made her heave again. Each time she ducked her head, it was wrenched back to make her watch. Tears flooded her eyes. Sobs shook her body. 

Several minutes passed before James was hauled limply from the machine. His body disappeared through a door. Was he dead? Did they brainwash him? What did reset mean. She had nothing left in her to cry. She suspected that she couldn’t cry if she was as dehydrated as she felt. 

Heavy hands pressed her into the machine. It was still hot from use. Beaten down she had fight in her but her body resisted the strain. 

Her breath came in deep ragged breaths as a man clicked buttons on the machine. 

“You will thank me for this Natasha. When we’re done you will be more perfect. You’ll remember this moment and know why I have these rules. Why the procedure is necessary. This has weakened you. Look at how broken you are because of something so unnecessary as love.” Madame stepped away from the machine and looked to the team of scientists. “Once she’s out give her the last round of serums.”

The high-pitched whirl of electricity flooded the machine. She grit her teeth as the first shockwave pulsed through her head. The pain was excruciating. Her brain felt like it was burning. It was only for a few moments before she succumbed to the extent of the past day or two and blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think will happen next? I'm curious.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the next series of chapters I am hitting important parts of Natashas life as an assassin. I will be working towards events in the MCU. Things will be can compliant for a while, until a little later where for obvious reasons in Infinity War that I will push away from canon. It won't be long before we see James again, I'll let you try to figure out where he might pop up again. I am really excited to explore Natasha's friendships with Clint and Steve very soon. I only ship her with James so no worries! I am not throwing on the breaks and making this a Romanodgers or Clintasha, or god forbid Brutasha. ( I am very, very, anti Bruce/Natasha.)

May 2003 Moscow, Russia. 19 years old.

Natasha walked into Madame’s office like she did every time she returned from her missions. Her black leggings were dusty, the tan boots she wore were spattered with scuffs and a single drop of blood. Her jacket cinched around her waist, was wet with the sprinkling of rain that had caught her as she returned to the academy.

“Status, Natasha.” Madame asked as she stood before her desk.

“Completed, Madame. I disarmed the weapons deal and disposed of the three leaders. Their bodies will not be found.” She breathed slowly. 

“Any injuries?” Madame asked while she write on a paper in a file.

“No, Madame.” She replied quickly and withdrew a knife from her thigh holster. Even if she was injured it would have healed by now. The last set of serums she received last year made her more enhanced than ever. Her injuries healed quickly. She moved faster. She was stronger.

Madame motioned for her to return her things to the locker that bore her name in the room. Her weapons and any necessary mission supplies were kept there. She shrugged off the standard jacket she wore on most night missions. The black fabric helped her blend in. 

Madame came out from behind her desk and approached her. “You have done wonderfully. You’ve come so far since last year.”

Natasha nodded. Last year was a blur. She remembered her testing. She remembered the soldiers being punished. She couldn’t recall why. She remembered… James and all of the mistakes she had made.

She hadn’t seen him since that day when they made her watch him be reset. Since then everyone talked. Girls said he was in a cryogenic chamber. Others said he ran away. One girl was firm on her idea that he was dead and that the serums killed him like it did the others. But she knew the others didn’t die from the serum. She remembered the gunshots. Gunshots that woke her up out of a dead sleep. She remembered James screaming in pain, and the way he looked at her.

Natasha kept that to herself. She knew if she remembered that something had gone wrong with the brainwashing. A huge piece of the story was missing. Blank when she tried to recall it. Why was he punished? Why did they make her watch? 

“What do you remember, Natasha?” Madame asked. Something Madame asked her all the time.

Natasha shut her locker and tugged her tank top into place. “It’s confusing.” She recalled, and tugged her hair out of the ponytail and combed through the knots. “I don’t think I could make a story of it if I tried.”

“Don’t think too long on it then.” Madame handed her a new file. “This one requires some reading. A car will get you to the location at 10 AM tomorrow. Read up on it tonight.”

Natasha reached for the file and nodded. She left Madame’s office and headed towards the stairs. She flipped through the file as she slowly climbed the six flights that led to her private room. A body slammed into hers and she dropped the file. Papers fluttering all over the staircase.

“Hey, watch it.” Natasha huffed and stooped to gather the papers. 

A gleam of metal caught her eye and she looked up at the person kneeling on the floor that led to the landing area of the 2nd floor. 

“James…” she breathed and looked at his face. He wore an expression of confusion.

“That’s Sir to you, trainee.”

Natasha stared at him just as long as he stared back. He seemed unsettled. “I’m not a trainee, you know that don’t you?”

She tested the waters. Gathering the last papers and reached for the ones in his hand. He handed them over and his fingers brushed hers. The shock was instantaneous. 

Images flashed before her eyes. James kissing her. Them tangled in bed. Sneaking out of the academy. The snowball fight. She had been pregnant. The boys were punished to figure out who she had slept with. 

She cradled her head and sat on the steps. Images and words rushing around her head. She had given up. She figured he was dead. It was almost too much to bear. 

He helped her up and stepped away. “I know you…” He said unsurely as if he were seeing things too. 

She couldn’t stop staring, “Yes.. You do.”

Footsteps echoed down the stairs from above them. She needed to move. He still looked rooted to the spot, his eyes scanning over her face. 

“2 up from you.” She breathed and took off up the staircase as she rounded the corner the commander nodded at her as they passed. 

Inside her room she buried her face into her pillow and screamed. Absolutely everything came back to her. Every painful memory. The agony she endured to protect him. Part of him maybe remembered her. She wasn’t sure what was worse. That he wouldn’t ever remember or that maybe all he’d ever be able to recall is that she’s familiar.

One of the younger girls brought her dinner and a request.

“Natasha?” The little girl asked as she set the tray of food down on her desk. The little girl stood by the door.

“Yes, Katerina isn’t it?” She replied. The girl couldn’t be more than 11.

She seemed to smile that Natasha could recall her name. “Do you think you can come help in our classes? I know you’re busy being a Black Widow now..”

Natasha remembered how she looked up to the girls who graduated when she caught glimpses of them in the halls. They seemed so strong, so confident, and so untouchable. Did she look like that to this girl?

“Of course I’ll come help tomorrow when I’m done with a mission. Save me a chance to be your partner, I’ll teach you a few tricks that your teachers won’t teach you for a while.” Natasha smiled, “Does the soldier still train you girls in combat class?”

“Yes, but not anyone under 15.” Katerina pouted. 

“Come here, I’ll tell you a story.” Natasha scooted over on the plush ottoman she used as a chair at her desk. Katerina sat and Natasha handed her the cookie off her plate, she had never been fond of sweets.

She peeled the crust off her sandwich as she always had at her meals she chewed a bite of the simple sandwich and looked over. “Nearly 3 years ago the soldiers started helping in combat. I wasn’t paying attention in class and my friend Alina and I were picked to be made an example of.”

Katerina was smart and caught on, “But you’re really good! Why would they pick you? The teachers keep telling us that you set the bar really high for your scores.”

Natasha smiled at her initial comment, “I was the best in all of the classes, but you know what happened when I sparred with him?”

Katerina was eating the discarded crusts. Natasha remembered how hungry she was all the time when she was that age. Growing and training was rough. 

“Alina almost died. I interrupted their spar and jumped in. I held my own for a while just because I was fast. But he was stronger, and strength almost always beats agility. He pinned me with one hand and my arm dislocated.”

Katerina winced, “He’s that strong?”

Natasha nodded, “He’s unbeatable. I was 16, and he injured me in minutes. He doesn’t spar with you littler ones right now. But you’ll have your time soon. I’ll come by when I’m not busy and I’ll train you and your friends. That way when you are 15, maybe you’ll beat him.”

Katerina smiled and nodded her head. “Some of the girls were saying you got in trouble. Did you give Madame a hard time?”

Natasha remembered how for many years Madame was a mother figure. She loved Madame. The thought of making her upset or displeasing her was a motivator the drove her towards success. In recent times now, Madame was more of an enemy that she had to keep close.

“I made some bad choices and I almost lost everything I worked for. Don’t be like me. Follow the rules, Katerina. They’re there to keep you safe here.” Natasha said with a sigh. 

The clock chimed 9, and Katerina stood up. Natasha handed the girl the other half of the sandwich, “If you hurry you’ll have abut 25 seconds before Madame gets into the room for cuffs.” She winked knowingly.

Katerina hurried from the room and shut the door. Natasha finished the rest of her slice of the sandwich, devoured the apple, veggies, and roasted potatoes as she read the file. 

Another simple mission. A cocktail party at a politician’s mansion. She’s be posing as guest, poisoning the politician and his friends who had rigged the elections in their favors. This mission called on her ability to talk her way into a situation. Madame had been giving her a variety of missions, gauging her strengths in different areas of her training. 

She set the file aside, showered and curled up in bed. Unable to sleep, her mind wandered to the thought of whether or not James would know what she meant by “2 up from you.”

She stared at her closed window for a while before deciding there would be no harm if she left it open, other than her disappointment if he didn’t come. She opened the window and the smell of fresh rain flooded her room. The breeze that accompanied the rain made her shiver. She hurried to her dresser and fished out a long-sleeved shirt to combat the cold.

She turned around to her bed and gasped as a looming shape pushed through her curtains. James stood there, brushing off the rain from his skin. He looked at war with himself for being there.

“I don’t know why, but all I could think about was climbing this ladder. I’ve done it before?” He questioned.

Natasha nodded, “Last year… You climbed it a few times.” She said gently and sat on the bed. 

He looked around. He wore red flannel pajama pants this time. She smiled as she remembered how she teased him about looking normal. 

“Why are you crying?” He said after a long silence. She hadn’t even realized she was. She touched her cheek and brushed them aside.

“I.. It doesn’t matter.” She breathed looked away. He sat on the bed too, a noticeable distance from her. The last time he was here they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. 

“I have these dreams…” He said solemnly. “This redheaded girl with a number one painted on her arm dressed in ballet clothes. She’s spinning and spinning, and she doesn’t stop. Every night she spins until she her arm snaps. Then she starts bleeding from a wound on her side, and she crumbles. To the ground, and she keeps asking me if I got her note.” He said quietly. “Some nights she’ll spin, and ask me to run away with her, or she’ll spin and there’s this little girl behind her and they’re identical down to every detail. The little one couldn’t be more then 4 or 5 and she’s got a red star on her outfit.”

Natasha felt the air leave her lungs. What he was telling her was a nightmarish collection of memories he had. The one on her arm from the mission. Spinning from her exam. Her dislocated arm from their first spar. The gunshot. Hiding notes for almost a year. What floored her was the little girl. Natasha knew the star on his arm probably matched the star on the girl’s chest. Their child. Would it have been a girl.

It was too much. The look on her face must have startled him.

“She’s you. I see that now.” He said and stared at her with those dark eyes she could have gotten lost in for hours last year. “Who were you to me?”

Were. She forced a sob back at that offensive past tense word. “Those are memories. You dislocated my arm in a spar. I was shot during my tests and you helped out. When we first met, we hide notes to talk to each other for almost two years. You witness my ballet exam where I had to spin until my body couldn’t take it. You said it was like I died. We did a mission together and I was undercover and the men you too out painted a one on my arm.”

James was silent, his brows furrowed in concentration. “Did I ask you to run away?”

Natasha felt a lump in her throat, “No… I did… I was afraid before my graduation. You said… That it didn’t matter what happened after graduation. We would always find each other, and that would be our home.”

“God…” He sighed and buried his face in his hands. His knuckles were white with exertion. Natasha watched him tug his shirt sleeve up and look at the red star on the mechanical arm. “You seem to have all the answers. What does the little girl mean? Did we rescue her or something?”

Natasha stood up and padded around the room. Her arms wrapped tightly around herself. This was worse. This was worse than remembering. He didn’t remember, and he certainly didn’t feel how she still felt. She suppressed that longing feeling after they had both been brainwashed. She remembered Madame saying to exclude the last day. 

Madame knew if they managed to find each other again, she’d remember and he wouldn’t. She’d have to live with that, a permanent consequence for her actions. 

“Tell me what you know…” James said quietly, almost like he was afraid of knowing the answer.

Natasha turned towards him, her emotions getting the better of her. “Tell me what you know for a change. What’s my name?”

James looked at her taken aback by her outburst. His silence was telling. He had nothing to say. He stood up and ran his hands through his hair. He stared at her, she could see him thinking but nothing was jogging his memory.

“James... Please... Try harder... Please.” She whispered. “You know me. Remember me!” Her voice broken with sobs. She no longer cared if crying made her weak. 

“I’m trying…” He insisted. 

Natasha wiped at her eyes furiously, “I remembered when you touched me.” She closed the distance before holding his face in her hands. 

His dark eyes searched her face for a few moments and shook his head. Natasha was desperate and pushed him to sit on the bed. Her hands still holding his face.

“You love me!” She whispered. Her eyes stared into his. “And I love you. It was everything, James.” She brushed her thumbs across his cheek. “You always did this to me. You would hold me close and your hands would touch my skin like it was made of glass. Remember?” She insisted as he shut his eyes. He was trying.

Her voice was shaking, “You’d kiss my forehead, like this. You made me feel safe when your arms were around me.” She pressed her lips to his forehead. She let her lips linger. “Last spring I fell in love with you. You tricked me into a date and I was hooked, James. Remember me…” 

His breathing was ragged, his metal hand gripped her waist tightly. The other trapped a piece of her scarlet hair between his fingers. She brushed her fingers against his lips like he always did. “You’d kiss me and when we had to break for air, you’d brush my lips before kissing them again.” She kissed him hard, a small relief filled her when he kissed her back timidly. 

She hurried to come up with more to tell him. She quickly tugged his shirt off. She stared at him and placed her hand on his scarred shoulder. Fresh tears welled in her eyes, “The first time we had sex… I was nervous and you let me ask about this. Afterwards, I had to leave and I felt cheap. You washed all that away when you said you’d leave me a note. Remember me…” She whispered again. 

James pulled her onto the bed. His hands shoved her shirt off and ran his fingers along her spine. She gasped as his lips pressed against the freckle on her spine. She felt the lump rise in her throat, “Do you remember?”

His voice was strained, “I remember this.” His hands splayed against her skin. “Keep talking.” He breathed. His breath hot against her skin.

Her desperate idea maybe was working. She turned around and ran her fingers along the waist band of his flannel pants. “I made fun of you for these the last time you visited me in this room.” She tugged at the drawstrings. “They were blue that time.”

He seemed to be remembering as he pushed her down onto the bed and buried his face against her neck. “You came to my room after my first mission. You kissed me like this, when I wanted you to help me forgot the awful day.” She breathed, his stubble scratching her neck.

“I want you…” He breathed against her shoulder.

“You said that to me before, do you remember me?” She looked up at him. Her fingers knitting in his hair. 

The sorrowful look in his eyes said it all. His hands clenched the sheets and his jaw set in concentration. “I want to… I really do..” 

She shut her eyes and breathed slowly, “I’m going to make you remember, if it that last thing I ever do.”  
His body was tense with anger and frustration. She watched the veins in his neck bulge. She grabbed his face, “I want you. Listen to me. I have more to tell.” 

James kissed her neck and made quick work of her leggings. Natasha gasped and unknotted the drawstrings of his pants. She bottled the sadness and worked on being hopeful. That maybe the longer she talked the more he’d remember. Or the more they touched, the easier it would be for him to recall the memories.

“The last time you came here…you surprised me.” Her fingers knotted in his hair. “I taught you Russian, do you remember that? But I didn’t teach you the dirty Russian things you were whispering into my ear that night.” She brushed her lips against his shoulder. Repeating the dirty things. He tugged his pants off as she spoke. 

He murmured yes in Russian to her delight. He nudged her legs apart and settled above her. “I want you…” He repeated.

She brushed her fingers against his lips to silence them. She knew why he repeated it. Because he was still that considerate boy she fell in love with, somewhere in there he was still there. The boy who watched her every move and constantly watched her because he wanted to do everything he could to protect her when she was the last person who needed such protecting. He repeated it because he was worried he was asking too much. Little did he know that there wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for him. Even if it hurt herself in the process.

“Shh…” She breathed. “You already have me, James. You just don’t remember yet.”

James wasted no time and pressed himself into her. She gasped and wrapped her arms tightly around him as he started moving. He seemed lost in her already, his hand cradling her head to the side to give himself access to her neck.

She moaned softly, “The last night you came to my room…” She panted, “We did this for hours. One look or touch sent us fumbling around the bed. Do you remember what you called me? What name you panted every time?”

He thrust into her at an urgent speed. God she hoped she could get him to remember her name. Her nails scratched at his back tracing the letter N over and over. Desperate for him to say it just once on his own accord. How could he remember a freckle or a word but not her name?

“N…” He gasped against her lips, those dark eyes staring into her again. 

“What have you always called me.. Remember..” She panted, her body responding to the frantic pace he set.

She whimpered as he thrust harder the longer he thought. She was so close, her hands clung to his back. “I can’t….” He gasped against her jaw.

“Natasha…” She pleaded. “It’s Natasha.”

His eyes brightened as she said it. He lost himself in her again, his hips stuttering into her as he breathed her name, “Natasha…”

That was all she needed to follow him. Silence wrapped around them. After a while he moved off of her and gathered his pants before retreating to the bathroom. 

Natasha sat up, leaning off the bed to gather her discarded clothes. In a flash she dressed, her eyes burning. She buried her head into a pillow and curled up on her side. Pretending she didn’t care was the dumbest idea she had, and she was trained to not follow dumb ideas. She had tried so hard to make he remember, but in the end she had to feed him her name. 

James returned and his ears picked up on the sobs she tried to stifle with the pillow. He knelt by her bed and pulled the pillow away. She looked over at him as she sat back up. His hair and face were wet. He must have been upset in the bathroom.

“I’m sorry.” He started.

Natasha frowned, “Don’t be.”

He shook his head, “I can’t be the one you need me to be, Natasha. I don’t remember him. I don’t remember anything. It felt familiar somehow. It’s not fair to you. You deserve better. I’m not going to remember.” He looked incredibly guilty. Natasha suddenly felt used, something she never expected to feel. 

“You haven’t even tried. Why are you giving up?” She said quickly.

“They reset me every day. I’ll forget everything again.” He stood up, “You deserve better than what I can give you now.”

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Who are you?” 

James looked at her incredulously, “I know who I am.”

She fixed him with a steely gaze, “That’s great that you know because the James I knew would never give up this easily.”

He grabbed his shirt and pulled it on and disappeared through the widow without another word. Natasha fell back into her bed and numbly wrapped her arms around her pillow. She had done her best, but even that wasn’t good enough.

A week later

Natasha held true on her promise to Katerina and attended every combat training class she could. The littler girls were delighted to get to spar her. She was tough on them, but more forgiving of mistakes than Madame ever was. She taught them her best tricks and the little ones caught on quickly. 

It was painful being at the training classes when James was there. He was teaching the class about using acrobatics. He motioned to her at the back of the room to join him at the front. Of all the classes she helped out with this was the first that he acknowledged her. 

It was stifling in the room. The sun beat through the windows in the late afternoon. She tossed her shirt aside that she had long since stripped of to use as a towel. The girls all sat and watched Natasha square off against their teacher. She waited for him to strike first and flipped backwards, a move she had learned she typically favored in fights. Her feet connected with his face as she arced away. 

James staggered then reached for her as she aimed a kick at his ribs. He dodged but she was faster. She sprung into the air and hooked a leg around his neck. Throwing her weight back she took him to the ground. She combined the fall into a sweeping kick on the ground. His hand latched onto her ankle. She groaned as he easily threw her down. 

She quickly broke the hold with a sharp hit to his hand. She rolled away and sprang to her feet. James was on her in a second. Her fist connected with his jaw. His hand grappled with hers, forcing it away, distancing her and her quick hits. 

Natasha was no longer sad, she was angry. She hissed as she hurled her foot into his side. Again she kicked, then aimed a shot with her left hand to his throat. She threw herself into the air, arcing over his shoulder and looped her arms around his throat. Her momentum made him stumbled backwards. She wrapped her legs around him, her body hanging from his back as he hands forced his head backwards. He lost his balance and they slammed into the ground.  
Natasha scrambled onto her stomach but James pinned her like he had all those years ago. She was quicker now and shot her elbow backwards, breaking his nose. He cursed and pushed her arm against her back again. The force of it caused shoulder to pop loudly. 

As soon as the joint popped James recoiled. He let her go and stood up. He looked at his hands, but she could tell he wasn’t there. He was inside his head. She glanced at the girls who were confused.

“Don’t ever lose track of your job.” She said quickly to them and flipped forward before propelling herself onto his shoulders. Her legs trapping him in a hold once she got him to the ground. She banked on his distraction.

“Enough!” He barked.

She scowled and let go of him. He stalked out of the classroom and left her stunned in silence. The girls were looking at her. They had an hour left to train. She looked around and quickly devised a plan. “Partner up. I want to see your best acrobatic fighting.”

Hours passed as she tried to distract herself with reading. Unable to let the events of the morning go, she waited until lights out for the girls and stood by her window. Still wearing her sports bra and training leggings from earlier, she slid out the window. It didn’t take her long to reach where she needed to go. 

She swiftly opened a door and hurried in, shutting it silently behind her. The room was empty. The only thing out of place was a board on the floor that was lifted slightly. Where was he? She knelt down and lifted the board and spotted something she had forgotten about. Her trembling fingers lifted three pictures from the hole. The pictures the man took of her and James on the nigh they snuck out of the academy. One was missing, the one where James spun her in the air before kissing her. She reached into the hole hoping it was still there when her fingers connected with something soft.

Natasha stared at the tiny plush bear he won for her that night. She clutched the bear in her hand and ducked her head. She breathed quickly, forcing herself not to cry. If his room was empty at this time it meant he was gone. After lights out no one was out of their rooms. 

She hurried from the room and returned to hers. In the safety of her private room she stared at the pictures and let herself miss him. She had tried, and she reminded herself of that. She tried to help him, but her best wasn’t good enough. 

She hid the pictures and the bear in a loose floorboard in her room. Over the next few weeks she’d pull them out and look at them before bed. Sometimes she cried, other times it drove her mad that he just disappeared.

Madame kept her at the Red Room for another year following his disappearance. They needed a younger trainer for the new girls and she filled his place. Her missions took preference to her training the girls, and they made due when Natasha had an extended mission. Every day she missed him. Part of her heart seemed to ache constantly no matter what she did. 

The soldier program was pulled from the Red Room that year. She suspected that her involvement with a soldier led to its downfall. She never asked about what happened to him, doing so would have given concern that her brainwashing failed. 

The year after that she was taken on full time by the KGB. She was no longer held to local missions. She traveled. Months at a time. Taking out threats to Russia before they grew. Going so deeply undercover that she found it hard to separate herself from her role and who she believed herself to be. She was commended mission after mission for her perfection, dedication and her kill count. She was used more than any other assassin.

Nothing was every mentioned again about the soldiers failed program or the one successful Winter Soldier who disappeared. Assumed dead by nearly all.


	15. Chapter 15

2008 Budapest, Hungary. 24 years old.

Natasha had been undercover for nearly 3 months. Infiltrating a terrorist organization hell bent on destroying Russia. By far her biggest mission to date. The level of organization she needed to achieve was a challenge she easily rose to. 

In her time traveling she had acquired a knack for technology. Hacking the ever-changing technology in the world was just another step that gave her an advantage on her missions. Today she had been able to hack the leaders email and gained access to vital time frames and detailed plans for the future. She had an hour to get to get to the building where the meeting would take place to decide a bombing in St. Petersburg or Moscow. She had to act today when the organizations top leaders all converged on the same location. 

She hurried to her closet in the small, studio like apartment she had called home for three months in a rundown building. She tugged out clothing from a trunk that was like a second skin to her. Designed for her job in mind. There was no uniform. She needed to blend in where ever she went. Her clothes looked civiler, but had be designed to help assist her in killing and moving. Thick leggings with pockets on the legs that concealed her stunning discs, garrote. Dark brown boots zipped up to her knees, roomy enough to conceal a knife on one side and a gun on the other. She slipped on a grey loose sweater that helped conceal another gun holstered on her hip. 

Within minutes she took to the streets, hurrying towards the building she needed to be at. Darkness was on her side. She surprised three guards and killed them in quick succession and picked the lock to enter the building. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched. Her skin tingled as she crouched in a stairwell. She sprinted to the 7th floor of the building and discovered two more guards. Her garrote did nicely in choking the first one. The other she snapped his neck as he tried to call for back up.

She snatched the radio and silenced it. Voices permeated from a meeting room. Two girls stood outside the room arranging coffee on a tray. Waitresses. She two stunning discs and caught the girls before they fell to the ground. She needed the element of surprise.

She pulled a vial of clear liquid from her boot and poured a drop into each of the 6 cups of coffee. She smoothed her long hair around her shoulders and picked up the tray. The men paid her no attention as she served the coffee. She left the room calmly, locking the door from the outside and waited. In minutes the first one dropped. Chaos ensured as another dropped, one two more gasped for air. The last two fought for their lives, trying to flee the room. 

An alarm sounded and Natasha bolted. That she hadn’t expected. There must have been a panic button. She wouldn’t be able to get herself out easily now. The building was swarming with guards. This organization was on many hit lists. She grabbed her gun as she hurtled down the stair well. Two guard shot at her from above, chipping the cement wall and sending fragments flying. 

She rolled to a blind spot and drew her gun, firing in quick succession. Two more dead. She made it another flight down the stairs before a blast knocked her down. A concussion grenade exploded below her a flight down. Her ears buzzed, blood trickled from her left ear. The force of the blow cracked her head against the cement steps. She couldn’t hear. She panicked. She needed her hearing to get out. Her vision was blurry. The injury disabled her most vital skill set, her senses. 

Natasha staggered to her feet, the ground whirling under her. She cursed as her equilibrium was shot. She had to move. She struggled up three flights and reached the roof of the building. A guard surged forward shooting at her. 

She rolled to the ground and hid behind a vent. Soldiers surged onto the roof. She sighed dejectedly, and tugged at her ears. The buzzing seemed to be getting louder. Her body wasn’t healing quickly, not like other wounds did. A brief though blew through her mind. At of her hundreds of perfect missions, that was going to be the one that ended her. She had two guns and only about 24 bullets.

She drew both her guns and shot up. She fired at will towards the dozen or so guards who blurred together. She staggered to another vent to reload after her clips emptied. Something sailed past her eyes and exploded in front of the guards. Fire erupted several yards in front of her, engulfing the area the guards who had survived charged back into the building. 

Natasha took her chance and ran. She was not going to stick around to find out what or who fired the explosive at her. She saw her only way out of the situation. A rusted ladder that scaled the side of the building. She struggled down the ladder. Slipping twice and managing to catch herself. The dizziness made her misjudge the distance to the ground and she dropped thinking it was only a few feet and not an entire floor. She had barely enough time to tuck and roll from the impact. 

Three blocks to her apartment and she’d be able to arrange her way out of here. The feeling of being followed still plagued her as she staggered back. Once inside her apartment, she locked the door and collapsed by her closet, tugging the trunk open and searching for the meager medical kit she had. She pawed at the generic supplies and hissed, nothing to fix her concussion. 

Her skin crawled again as it felt like someone was watching her. She was too young to be paranoid. Her mission was nearly a clean execute. No one would find her. But that didn’t stop the building feeling that she wasn’t alone. Twice she searched the small apartment. She locked the windows and drew the curtains. She got into bed fully clothed and kept her gun and knife in hand as she pretended to sleep. If someone was watching now would be the time to sneak up on her.

She waited an hour, the ringing in her ears faded and restored most of her hearing. The dizziness stopped for the most part if she didn’t move too much. Her enhanced healing finally catching up. She drifted off to sleep, but that soon was interrupted. Natasha felt that tingling feeling again, this time is was more urgent. She kept her eyes shut as a breeze brushed hair against her cheek. A window had been opened. Under the blanket she gripped the knife in her right hand, her fingers on her left hand closing in on the trigger of the gun. She sprang up and hurled the knife to her left. The man in the shadows shot the knife out of the air. 

What kind of hitman used a bow and arrow? Natasha rolled from the bed and drew her gun, he drew an arrow and stepped forward.

“Shoot me and you lose your ticket out of this mess you’ve made.” He warned.

Natasha frowned and started talking in Russian as she inched around the edge of the bed. In a flash she fired the gun, and he let loose an arrow that deflected the bullet. 

Natasha stared in surprise, the accuracy needed to hit a bullet was impossible. 

“They’re coming for you.” He said shortly and notched another arrow. “I’m surprised you were so sloppy. Did you know there was a survivor?”

Natasha pretended to not understand, she shouted in Russian again, pointing her gun at his head.

“Stop with the Russian, I know you know English, Natalia.”

Natalia… She hadn’t heard that name since she left the Red Room. On her last day before she left to work in another KGB facility, Madame revealed her last set of secrets.

Natasha was a name she was given upon her arrival. She had been Natalia Alianovna. The name her parents gave her before their untimely deaths. Her name was kept from her, to be given back when she had finally become someone new. She was led to believe, brainwashed to believe she was Natasha. So that upon her last day her true name would be given to her as her new alias. She rarely heard her name, in her briefings she was referred to as Black Widow, the name she had earned herself.

She grit her teeth, how did he know that. “Who are you?”

The man laughed, “Finally, some English. I was hoping you’d drop the Russian eventually. I was sent here to kill you.”

She eyed him closely, “With a bow and arrow? How medieval of you. Who sent you?”

She had already figured out more of him that he probably knew. He was American. Truly so, his accent was not forced. Middle aged, in prime physical condition. The Russians would not have sent a middle aged American to kill her. He worked for someone else. But he didn’t talk. 

“MI6? Mossad?” She breathed. “CIA?” She listed watching his body language for a tell. 

Nothing. He glanced out the window and his expression changed. “Nothing you’ve heard of, sweetheart.” 

She shook her head, “Why does an agency I’ve never heard of want me dead?”

He looked at her simply, “You’re a threat to global security. I take care of global security threats.”

She grit her teeth, “I’ve been protecting my country. I am not a threat to the entire globe.” She aimed her gun at his chest.

“You are… They’ve lied to you, Natalia. You haven’t been eliminating criminals. You’ve been extinguishing powerful people that your country doesn’t want around. Those men you killed today, all men who opposed the KGB. The KGB fell years ago.”

Natasha hissed, “I would know if the organization I work for fell. You are lying.” She breathed quickly.

He shook his head, “You’ve been lied to your whole life I suspect. Brainwashed to believe. I don’t want to kill you, you need to listen.” He lowered his bow and arrow and approached. “The KGB fell in 1991. You’ve been working for the leaders who survived. They went underground and they’re damn good at hiding. You’re the last operative they have. The others have been taken out.”

1991\. She hadn’t even joined the Red Room yet. She was 7. That fall she would be recruited from the orphanage. The organization fell and she was none the wiser to it. She saw her hand begin to tremble. Her nearly 10 years in the Red Room were for an organization that fell before she started. Lied to from the start. 

“I should kill you for lying.” She whispered. “Why should I believe anything you said.”

“Kill me then, but part of you is curious. Why do you think they’ve sent you around the world without modern technology? They’ve kept what the rest of the world knows from you. You’ve operated under their lies for years, I can give you a way out of that.”

She scoffed, “How, killing me gives me a way out? You expect me to go quietly, you are wrong.”

He checked the window again, the third time in the past few minutes. “I’m prepared to make a different call. I don’t want to kill you.”

She kept her gun trained on him, “Why…” She demanded. “Why won’t you kill me.” She worked for an organization that lied to her. How many had she killed that were innocent? The though made her lower her gun. 

He pressed a button on a band on his wrist. “I’ve been trailing you for a while. I think you can change for the better. You’re young, this doesn’t need to be your end.”

“I deserve to die for what I’ve done.” She stared at him. 

“Come with me, Natalia. We don’t have a lot of time. 3 body guards are after you from the man you left alive. They’re outside. While I know you can kill them, I don’t want to stick around and find out.” He moved to the door and listened. Cursing and stepping away. 

Her silence made him pause, “Yes or no. Yes, you want to start over, and take back your life. Or no, you go back to operating in a web of lies.”

She hurried to her trunk and grabbed a small bag. She tucked several things into it and slung it around her body. He nodded and pointed to the door. 

“One’s outside.” He warned and gripped the handle. “We have to get to the roof.”

She nodded and crouched down. Drawing her gun, as he flung the door open. The body guard wasted no time in firing his shot, but Natasha was quicker. A bullet to his shoulder. She surged past the man and hurried up the steps to the roof. 

A plane was rumbling with life. Compact, sleek, and stealthily black. The man pushed her forward. “Get on now.” He hurried forward and a panel dropped. He hurried inside as she stepped on the metal walkway. 

The engines surged and he shouted, “If you stand there I hope you’ve got a parachute.”

She was frozen. What if this was a trick. An elaborate way to get her alone and kill her. She stared at him, she was dumb to believe him. 

He left the cockpit and walked up to her, “You’re making the right choice, Natalia. Give me a chance to prove that.”

She nodded and stepped further into the plane. He hit a button and the walkway closed. “Find a spot to sit.”

He ran to the control panel and in seconds they were in the air. She dropped into a seat next to him and watched all the instruments and screens flash with information.

An hour passed, as she watched the land rush by under them before it changed to water. 

“Where in America are we going?” She asked quietly. He seemed startled a little and seemed to have thought she was sleeping.

“What tipped you off that we’re going to America?” He replied.

She gave him a firm look, “You should try harder to mask your accent.” Years of language study and dialect coaching enable her to pick up on forced accents when people thought they were acting well. 

He laughed, “New York.”

She looked over at him, “C. Barton.” She pointed to the miniscule writing on a screen beside him. “What’s your name?”

“Will me telling you make you put that knife away?” He asked. Nodding toward the knife she had clenched in her fist beside her leg. 

“You don’t miss anything do you?” She commented.

“Neither do you, clearly.” He pressed a button and looked over at her. “Clint.” He added. “I’m not going to do anything to you. Anyways, I had the chance to do it three times before you even got into the building at the start of your little mission.”

She had been right, she was being followed. “I knew you were there.” She said defensively. It was mostly true. 

“Sure thing kid.” He laughed.

Natasha caught herself almost smiling. “I am not a child.”

He nodded, “I’ve got a kid on the way. That makes me old. You are young, Natalia.”

She sighed. She liked this guy already. He was kinder than almost everyone she met. Besides one person, but she didn’t think about him anymore. She stashed the knife in her boot. “It’s Natasha now.. Natalia is someone I don’t want to be anymore.”

 

New York, USA

4 hours later Natasha watched Clint land the plane. He sighed and looked over at her. “My boss.. He’s not going to like that you’re here. Bet to let me do the talking. I’m gonna make this work for you okay? I promise.”

She slightly worried that she had believe Clint now and perhaps he wouldn’t be able to come through on this promise. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Or just don’t make them at all. It’s an easy way to live.”

He gave her a solemn look, “You’re messed up kid. I always come through on promises.” 

“You don’t even know the half of it. Remind me to tell you the messed up stuff that’ll make your skin crawl.” She replied coolly as the plane’s walkway was lowered and a man with an eye patch stormed in.

“Barton!” He yelled.

“Shit.” She heard Clint say and stand up. He glanced at Natasha, “Chill out for a second.” He watched as she reached for the knife again.

“Fury…” Clint smiled and left Natasha in the cockpit.

“You must be out of your god damn mind. Tell me I do not see you bringing a Russian assassin who is supposed to be dead into my headquarters.”

Clint stood his ground. “I made a different call.”

“On who’s authority.” Fury said angrily.

“My own.” Clint said simply. “She can work for S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Fury scoffed, “Listen to yourself. You read her file. No one in their right mind would give her any security clearance necessary to work for us.”

Clint crossed his arms and stood his ground. Fury glared at him. “I’ll break it down for you Barton. In her short 24 years on Earth, 375 kills. That’s just what we know of, if the intel we have is even good. The people who made her raised her from childhood to kill. The number is even higher considering her training. Give her time and resources we have and she’ll bring this country down in hours. She hacks, speaks a dozen languages, she kills without reason. No one will vouch for her in this program. She has no place here. Finish this mission.”

Clint set his jaw. “I’ll vouch for her.”

“You’re an idiot, Barton.” Fury said lowly. 

“You didn’t see what I did. Don’t damn her for what she’s done. The talent she’d bring to the team is invaluable.” Clint said quickly. He had stuck to his word. He was trying for her. 

Fury stepped closer to him, “She is a monster.”

Clint grabbed Fury’s jacket, “She’s not any worse than the monsters you’ve got Coulson investigating. The one selling his war weapons to anyone with enough money, or what about the real monster? The green one.”

Fury was silent. Natasha stood up and looked at the men. It was hard hearing what he had to say about her. Part of that was what brought her here. His numbers were wrong. Higher was right. She was a monster, and now she wanted to change.

Fury’s eyes were on her. “S.H.I.E.L.D. will need to interview her, to see if she’s even right for the program.”

She looked at him, “I can be whoever you need me to be.”

“I’m sure you can be.” Fury said after a long silence.

He glanced at two armed guards, “Take her to the lab.”

Natasha complied and let the guards lead her to a laboratory. Clint was nowhere to be seen while scientists ran a variety of tests on her. Psychologists talked to her. Doctors examined her. When they weren’t running her through agility courses, or having her spar or demonstrate her training, she was locked in a cell. 

A week passed before Fury visited her in her cell. He had a thick file in his hands as he sat at the table in her cell. She got off the bed and swept her long hair back and joined him at the table. “You’ve made a decision?” She asked.

He nodded, “I’m looking for some honesty, and then we will decide.”

She looked at him and nodded. 

“Despite the efforts of my best hackers and intelligence officers, we cannot find accurate information on you.” Fury stated simply.

She breathed slowly, “That’s because I don’t exist. My parents died, and I was in an orphanage for a year.”

Fury interjected, “We discovered that but then the trail goes cold. Speculations. Death certificate. Rumors.”

“The Red Room recruited me from the orphanage at 8. Until a few years ago I didn’t know that I didn’t exist. I didn’t even know my real name. They change everything about you. Break you down and build you into what they want. I was brainwashed to believe I was Natasha Alianovna Romanova. For 10 years I was her. When I graduated and left the Red Room I learned differently. Natalia Alianovna Romanova.”

He nodded and wrote something down. “The doctors and scientists are impressed.”

“You’re not?” She asked quickly.

“To be determined, Ms. Romanova.”

“From 8 years old, I trained every day from sun up to sun down. Weapons practice, combat training, lessons in languages, stealth, technology, and the basic classes part of a normal education. Ballet to improve agility, stamina and endurance. At 18 I graduated. Perfect scores in every test.” She detailed. “Brainwashed every day. Extra brainwashing for misbehavior or weakness. Girls were killed if they were too weak.”

“Who are you, then?” He asked.

A question she didn’t know how to answer. She was made into who she was not of her own choice. She was who Russia and Madame wanted her to be. “I don’t know. I am no one.”

Fury looked shocked, “They did a number on you. Why didn’t you leave?”

“I had nothing to leave for. In the Red Room I was powerful. Strong. I was perfect. That where they got you. When you have nothing like I did, it was the thought of them needing me that kept me there. I believed it. That they couldn’t operate without me.” She admitted, “Plus they handcuff you to the beds every night. After graduation… They enhance you with serums. Quickened healing, faster, and stonger.”

He wrote down some more things. Natasha sighed, “Clint told me I was lied to.”

Fury nodded, “The KGB was good at that. The fact that they kept it going and kept someone as smart as you under their thumb is impressive.”

It wasn’t impressive when all they had to do was press a button and brainwash her. There was no fight. Comply or be killed. “I want the chance to make my own decisions. I don’t want to work under lies anymore. I want a chance… to make it right.”

Fury looked up at her and shut the file. “Glad to hear that.”

He motioned for her to wait and he left the room. It was about 10 minutes before he returned and handed her a leather-bound folder. She opened it and stared.

“Given the nature of your activity in Russia we need to protect you. You’re no stranger to alias’ I assume.

She opened a small booklet and stared at a picture they had taken of her earlier. An American passport, ID, papers setting up a whole life for her under a new name.

“Natasha Romanoff.” She said softly.

“Welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Romanoff.” Fury nodded and opened the door motioning for her to follow.

In the days after that she was put through a training program that she often told Fury was too easy. Clint held true on his promise and vouched for her. He appeared almost daily and checked in on her during her early days at headquarters. She lived in the facility for the time being. Soon enough Clint became her partner on many missions over the course of the next year. She owed him her life, and in strengthened their friendship.

Natasha was present the day his son was born. She made her first normal friend, his wife Laura. She knew about Clint’s family when no one else did. 

“Nat.” Clint smiled from the doorway of her private room at headquarters. She was lounging on her bed watching a movie. 

“Hey.” She smiled and sat up. 

“C’mon, Laura’s making a roast. You can’t spend Christmas alone. I’m taking a jet, sure Fury won’t mind.”

She laughed and shut the TV off, “Of course he will mind.” She reminded and tugged on tan boots and a sweater. She spent most weekends with the Barton’s if she wasn’t on mission with him. They were crucial in her new life in America. The only people she really trusted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wondered what happened to Clint and Natasha in Budapest. This is what I think happened then. Since there's no word anywhere of what happened in Budapest, enjoy my version.


	16. Chapter 16

2009, Odessa, Ukraine. 25 Years old

“It’s simple, sir. I’m just escorting you for your protection.” Natasha reminded the older scientist who seemed very much unsettled by her. She had just ushered him to the vehicle.

This was her first solo mission for S.H.I.E.L.D., seeing as Laura and Clint wasted no time having another baby. A girl, Clint had called her early that morning as she was flying from headquarters to Ukraine. Fury thought Clint was sick, the flu having wiped out half of the other members of headquarters over the past two weeks. 

She was dressed in her finest uniform yet. A lycra body suit meant to aid her in everything she did. She loved it. The fabric didn’t restrict. Holsters around her thigh and calf held guns. A utility belt swept down across her hips holding bullets, her garrote, and a knife or two. Around her wrists were the real deal, her widow’s bites. Electrified bands that stunned. Technology aided her and she loved it. She wondered how much easier her Russian missions would have been if she had been allowed a cellphone, tablet or a laptop. A communication device nestled in her ear allowing her to directly contact headquarters for help. 

She sat in the back seat with the scientist as an armed Ukrainian soldier drove them to the airstrip. 

The scientist had been threatened over the years and extricating him from the Ukraine failed three times, killing another S.H.I.E.L.D. agent last year. Fury didn’t think or trust Natasha on her own but now he had no choice. Her familiarity with Ukrainian language made his job easier, even if Fury wasn’t ready to admit that yet. 

An hour into the mission the tires blew out on and sent the vehicle careening into the ditch. The shock of the impact nearly threw her from her seat. The vehicle was upside down, as she unbuckled herself and dropped down.

“Що ти ударив?" (“What did you hit?”) she gasped in Ukrainian. 

The soldier turned to answer when a wave of bullets shattered the windshield. The solders blood spattered across her face. She cursed and unbuckled the scientist. Shielding him from the onslaught of glass and bullets. 

“"Зберіться!" (“Stay down!”) she hissed and kicked the door open. She drew her guns and peered over the tires. A man dressed in a black military uniform was standing in the road. His machine gun still hailing down bullets on the vehicle. 

She reached for the scientist, tugging him out of the car and behind her body. She breathed slowly, “Vehicle down. Soldier is dead. Unknown suspect firing at us. I need intel.” She radioed to headquarters.

“Air support is 4 minutes out” Maria Hill chimed in. 

“I don’t have 4 minutes!” She hissed.

Natasha peered over the tire and studied the man as he walked closer. A mask obscured his mouth and nose making his features unreadable. Goggles protected his eyes. She took her first shot, hitting him square in the shoulder. A metallic ringing sounded and he was unphased. Armor? She hissed as he ran towards the vehicle now. 

She pushed the scientist back, retreating to the back of the upturned truck. She pushed him into the space between the ground and the truck bed. She hurled herself upwards again and fired at him. With her left hand, she fished an explosive from her pocket. She hurled it at him as it exploded. Knocking him back. When the smoke cleared, he was laying on the ground. 

Taking the chance she motioned for the man to get behind her again as she spotted a grove of evergreens that she could hide the scientist. She kept her eyes trained on the man in the road as she ran. The scientist slowed her down, stumbling as she hurried. Distracted in one moment she watched the man move. Dead filled her as they were in the wide open, a storm of bullets rushed upon them.

Searing pain erupted on her abdomen. A stomach hit. She dropped to her knees. Stemming the blood, the scientist laid motionless the same shot passed through her to him. 

“I’m hit..” She gasped. “Scientist is dead.”

Her ears were ringing as she dragged herself up, grabbing her second gun as the man rounded on her again. She finally got a look at him. The blast has been effective. His clothing tattered, the mask and goggles gone. 

Even dirty from smoke and gunfire her blood ran cold with recognition. The silver metallic arm. “James…” She gasped. He was standing before her in the flesh. 

Except it wasn’t him. He wasn’t the boy she loved all those years ago. He was a man now. Stronger than before. Weathered. He hadn’t died, he was alive. Was he still in the fake KGB’s control.

“James!” She coughed. Trying anything to stall him. He paused for only a second before slamming another clip into his gun. He was going to kill her. Natasha grit her teeth and threw a stunning disc at him, it hooked into his leg and he dropped for a few moments before flinging it away.

“Don’t make me do it…” she breathed, blood blossoming under her on the gravel. “Don’t make me kill you...” She slipped her finger over the trigger.

The air support dropped to the ground raining bullets down at him. Natasha blinked and watched him retreat. He was gone in an instant. She gasped for air as agents took to the street and cleaned up. 

“Romanoff, status?” Maria called into her ear.

“Not good.” Natasha panted as an agent hauled her up. 

It was a blur. She passed out or was knocked out, she wasn’t sure. When she woke she was bandaged up in the jet. The mission was labeled a failure. Fury called her for a meeting but she never turned up. She left the hangar and went to her room, stuffing things in a bag and changing her clothes. Someone had taken the time to clean her up in flight but she could still smell blood and the hot smell of ammunition. She hurried to the garage where her car sat and sped off. Her blue Camaro zipped through the stormy New York weather in the northward direction of Clint’s farm. She hated the car initially, as Clint insisted that a master assassin needed a sexy car. Now she was thankful that it was fast. 

She pulled onto the dirt driveway and parked near the house. Thunder and torrential rain pounded the car. She felt guilty for coming when Clint and Laura were probably over run with new baby duties. The little girl was only a few hours old. Clint said once, if she ever needed to escape she had a room with them. Did that apply when they had a new baby. She felt stupid. Her breathing was ragged, her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly.

The door opened and Clint slid into the passenger seat. He seemed to always be wearing flannel and t-shirts which she endlessly teased him about looking dad-ish.

“Nat…” He said quietly. “Fury called… Said you might be on the run.” 

“I’m sorry I came… I shouldn’t have.” She said quickly.

“That’s bullshit. What happened? He said you were shot.” He pressed, “Don’t you heal quick, it’ll be gone by morning.” He couldn’t believe that she looked so upset, so visibly shaken over a gunshot wound.

“It’s…” She couldn’t say it. “I can’t… I saw something… someone who’s not supposed to be alive.”

Clint grabbed her arm, concerned now. “Like you’re seeing things? Like that kid in the movie who sees dead people?”

She appreciated his joke and gave him a weak smile, “No.. Someone who disappeared from my life. I thought they were dead. He shot me…”

“Shit.. Nat, did you tell Fury? They’re trying to figure out who that is.”

She shook her head and tears leaked from her eyes. “Can I crash here? Will Laura mind?”

Clint had never seen her cry and sighed. “You know you never have to ask, Nat. She’s resting with the baby. Cooper is down for the night. You know she won’t mind, she loves you. C’mon.” He got out of the car and went around in the rain to open her door. He helped her as she seemed reluctant to move. 

The Barton’s farm house filled her with a warm feeling that she could only identify as what being with family felt like. Clint left her alone after he insisted she eat. Hours later she was holed up in the guest room they often just called her room. She showered and put on fresh leggings, a new loose sweater and thick socks. She redressed her wound and tried to pay attention to a mindless TV show on the TV. But it didn’t matter her mind was elsewhere. The memories and feelings she repressed years ago were back. 

Her fingers flipped through the 3 pictures she still had. That she hadn’t looked at for almost 6 years. Not since she found them and subsequently stashed them away to hide from her feelings. 

It was well after midnight when a knock came from the door and Clint entered. “Thought Auntie Nat would like to meet the next little one to be obsessed with her.”

Natasha set the pictures down and sat up. Clint sat on the bed and handed over the tiny baby.

Natasha tucked the little girl into her arms and smiled. She was perfect, fast asleep and warm in her arms. “Hi, baby…” She whispered and let the little girl wrap her fingers around her pinky. 

“Lila.” Clint added proudly. 

She gently rocked with the baby just lost in the distraction it offered. “Sure you want to be an agent still, I think you do a better job making cute babies.” She teased.

After a while Clint settled in and watched the movie as she was content to hold the baby and heal. 

“You gonna tell me about what’s really going on?” He asked quietly.

She had no secrets from Clint. He told her everything and she told him all the worst about herself. Never once did he judge. He just understood. She never mentioned what she knew she should probably tell him.

“If I tell you, you can’t tell a soul.” Natasha warned.

“Does Laura count?” He reminded.

“No, you know she figures out everything before you do anyway.” Natasha sighed and handed him the 3 pictures. He thumbed through them studying the scenes in them. 

“Aside from being the perfect student in the Red Room, I was also the stupidest.” She started. “For a while they trained boys to be these elite soldiers. The biggest rule was that we don’t interact with them. I sparred with one of them one day and he damn near broke my arm, dislocated it in minutes. He had a metal hand. He was impossible to beat. After that day we kept talking. He’d hide notes and I’d find them. We’d hid in closets just to talk. It happened for a year before real feelings took hold. We snuck out of the academy one night and went to that carnival. He swept me off my feet.” She breathed and looked down at the baby who murmured in her sleep sweetly. 

Clint found the picture where her younger self was kissing the boy. “Soviet romance?”

She laughed quietly and nodded, “I fell in love that night. I was foolish enough to think we could be anything. The whole purpose of the Red Room was to create killers with no attachments. They made sure of that. When I passed all of my tests there’s a ceremony.”

“Like caps and gowns, Soviet style?” He poked at her.

She didn’t quite know what he meant about that. “No, the handcuff you to a table and forcibly sterilize you style. No distractions, no one that could possibly ever be more important that a kill count and mission.” She looked at perfect little Lila in her arms. She didn’t have to look over to know Clint was horrified.

“Nat…” He said softly. Now it made sense to him that she adored his kids. That she so easily baby sat and didn’t accept their money for it. 

“It’s okay.” She said softly, her voice wavering now. Knowing that her procedure wasn’t even the worst part of the story she was telling.

“That bullshit, you know that.”

“I woke up from the procedure and everyone was upset. I was sent to brainwashing for something like a week. They starved me, tortured me and then when I was almost dead they told me why.” She looked up at the ceiling. “I was pregnant before the procedure. I had failed them and broken the biggest rules. I didn’t even know it.. I had been with him only 4 or 5 times. Stupid in love and not thinking about the possibility of me getting pregnant.”

Clint silently listened as she wiped at her eyes. “They killed the 4 other soldiers because I wouldn’t confess that it was him I had slept with. They have these machines, with a press of a button they wipe your memory. They wiped his in front of me when they figured it out. I had to watch him forget everything about me. Once he was done, they wiped mine.”

He rested his hand on her shoulder as she visibly fought the tears. “For a while it worked. I was the perfect assassin. I did missions and worked. I didn’t remember anything. Just that I had loved someone once. I ran into him one day and our fingers brushed. It was like electricity, I remembered everything with one touch. That night I tried to get him to remember. I tried everything. I was only able to get him to remember the thought of me. Not my name. He only remembered that I was familiar. After that last night with him, I slept with him hoping that it would make him remember. The worst decision of my life. He was a week after that and I hadn’t seen or heard of him until today. I had pushed him so far away, locked those memories up tight and it was like I almost forgot. Then he comes out of the blue, ruins my mission, shots me and runs off into the god damn sunset.”

Clint looked at a loss for words. Like he couldn’t fathom this type of thing happening to people. He had always thought there was a sadness to her that he dared to never bring up. Now he knew he was right about that. How could anyone experience that and be okay. It was a testament to her strength. That despite the horrors done to her, she picked herself back up and kept going. 

She blinked back tears, “I had my suspicions. When the intelligence community kept talking about a Russian assassin, I figured it was just still talk about me. But the mechanical arm. I thought it was a rumor. I didn’t think he was alive. People call him the Winter Soldier. That was the programs name.”

Clint rubbed his faced and looked over at her. “You don’t want me to tell because you still love him?”

Natasha hadn’t worked that out for herself yet. “I don’t know, Clint. I think so.. I loved him when I was 17. I was young.”

“You’re still young, have you tried to move on?” He asked gently.

“After him I didn’t want to. World class assassins don’t date.” She admitted.

“You’re not an assassin anymore.” Clint reminded. 

Natasha nodded, as Lila stirred and started to cry. “This is where I take my leave…” she handed the baby off to Clint.  
He got up, “You going to be okay?”

“Sure. I was okay all those years ago.. I just need to process.” She breathed and scooted back down into the bed.


	17. Chapter 17

2012 New York City. Age 28

Fury had called a meeting with Clint while Natasha was working in one of the labs learning some more hacking skills from a soldier. When Clint returned he motioned for her to follow. 

Natasha hurried after him, knowing he was heading for the roof by the look on his face. He liked to be up high, he said it helped him think. She worried slightly that something awful was happening.

“What is it?” She stood behind him as he leaned over a railing and looked straight down.

“They’re sending me on assignment.”

It was bad. Clint had ben confiding in her that he wanted out of S.H.I.E.L.D. the kids were little and he was missing milestones. Lila said daddy the other day and he missed it. Cooper started pre-school. He missed the first day of school while they were in Siberia looking for intelligence. 

“Where?” She asked and moved towards the railing and leaned against it.

“Mojave Desert.” 

Natasha was rusty on her American geography and grimaced. If it was close she would have heard of it. She guessed it must be west then.

“Where exactly.”

He huffed, “I can’t even tell you. It’s above your clearance level.”

“Shut up! You tell me everything. Clearance levels haven’t mattered before.” She pressed. “Where is it.” 

“Somewhere in the West. It’s classified, I’m not joking. Fury said I shouldn’t tell you.” Clint laughed.

“He knows us so well. He won’t be surprised then when I go down there and ask him why I wasn’t asked to go.” Natasha put her hand on her hip and pulled out her cellphone. Surreptitiously googling the Mojave Desert and S.H.I.E.L.D.

Clint looked at her, “I was requested to go. They don’t need you.”

Natasha rolled her eyes, and then smiled. She turned her phone around and showed him a picture.

“Jesus, Nat. How’d you find that.”

“You’d be surprised how far you can get with googling S.H.I.E.L.D and Mojave Desert.” She smiled.

“What did you hack?” He asked.

“Google.. and the S.H.I.E.L.D. database. Whoops.” She put her phone away. “Dark energy, what the hell is that?”

“Alien stuff, Nat.”

“Really?” She looked at him. “I’m coming with then. Why do you get to do all the fun stuff?”

He shook his head, “I need you to keep an eye on Laura and the kids. She’s upset right now. I just told her. I’ve got to leave tonight. Some strange stuff is going on out there.”

“What am I supposed to do while you’re gone? We’re a team.” She groaned. 

“I heard they need help with Rodgers. Plus Stark just built a tower in New York. You could hang out with your old buddy.” He smiled.

“There’s so much wrong with that sentence.” She pouted. “First, Rodgers is old. Second, eww.. Stark.”

Clint laughed, “He’s not that bad, Nat.”

“You didn’t work for him for half a year undercover.” 

“How did I know you two would be up here.” Fury said as he strolled across the roof. File in hand.

Natasha cocked her head, “Why can’t I go do alien stuff in Nevada?” She added a quick smile just to get under Fury’s skin. 

Fury looked angrily at Clint. Clint held up his hands. “I didn’t say a word. Ask her.”

Fury handed her a file, “Romanoff..”

“Well… It’s really not my fault. I didn’t know what desert he meant. Google is a wonderful machine.”

“You hacked google?” He said more impressed than annoyed.

“…and S.H.I.E.L.D.’s database.” She cringed. “Honestly it’s your fault. If you upped my clearance level I wouldn’t have to hack.”

“This is exactly why we don’t up your level, Romanoff.” He motioned to Clint to head downstairs. “Plus, we need his eyes there, and you need to head out in an hour for that.” He tapped the file in her hands. “Hill’s got something for you to wear.”

Natasha smiled, “New cat suit?” She perked up a little.

“Not quite.. Cocktail dress and heels.” 

She smirked. “Perfect, I love taking down the bad guys in heels. So empowering.” She hugged Clint and whispered, “Don’t worry I’ll stay with them.”

She walked away after scanning the file and smiling. “Russians... My favorite.”

Fury sighed, “Did you even try?”

Clint shrugged, “I did. She doesn’t take no for an answer. You know it’s an act. She likes pestering you. She’s too smart for her own good. You could be having her do more.”

“I have a feeling she will be plenty busy soon.” Fury said.

\----  
Natasha seemed to think Fury was trying to make it up to her by letting her have access to the nicest Quinjet. She landed the jet on a nearby abandoned roof and strapped her gun against her thigh. 

“Fury…” She called in just before she left the jet. “Thanks for the nice ride. Quick question though... How does insurance work on these things, like if you break a wing trying to land it? Asking for a friend.” She fluffed her curled hair and hurried out of the jet. Her targets already walking about below on the streets. 

“Romanoff…” Fury warned. She heard Hill laughing in the background. “What did you do?”

“Oh, Nick.” She teased, “The jet is fine for now. Moscow’s gone to the dogs. It might not be here when I get back... Anyway… Start the timer I’ll have this done in record time.”

She scaled a ladder in her heels effortlessly and dropped to the cement. She tailed two henchmen as she pretended to window shop. She rounded a corner and a third henchmen cracked his gun against her head. She was out like a light.

When she woke, the man she was looking for was standing right in front of her. Her hands were bound not nearly tight enough to be effect, but she played them like it was. She smiled greeting him in Russian to which she earned a quick slap. Amateurs she hissed to herself.

After several minutes of their empty threats a phone rang. She cursed technology for interrupting when she was getting the information she needed. The name thrust the phone at her and she cradled it against her ear. 

“Barton’s been compromised.” Phil’s voice came through the phone. 

“What?” She hissed. 

“You need to get going. Abandon the mission.”

“I’ll call when I’m free.” She sighed.

In three minutes she hung the leader from a chain by his ankle. She left his two henchmen crumbled on the ground a story below where they had been interrogating her in a factory. She grabbed her heels and called Phil from the jet.

Dread filled her stomach as Coulson picked up. “What happened? Don’t you dare tell me it’s above my clearance level, Phil.”

“It’s need to know right now.” Phil replied.

“Bullshit, I thought we were friends, Coulson.” She sighed. “Is he dead? Where am I needed? Headquarters.”

“He’s not dead. That’s all I can tell right now. You’ll be filled in at headquarters. We need you to get the big guy.”

Natasha fired up the jet, “Ugh, can I protest? You know Stark doesn’t trust me. Why do I have to go collect him?”

“Not Stark, the big green guy.”

Natasha groaned audibly, “You’re on my shit list Coulson. Tell Fury he’s on it too.”

Phil laughed. It took him a few years to decipher when she was teasing and when she was not. “I’ll have that latte you always drink waiting for you here. Sending coordinates now. Good luck, Natasha.”

“I’m gonna need all the luck I can get.” She replied to herself and sped off in search of the thing that probably scared her the most about her job.

\---

With the helicarrier not under attack anymore, Natasha was hovering near the bridge keeping an eye on things. Thor paced, Bruce was in the lab sulking. Steve was sitting at a table.

“Hey Natalie.” Tony stalked into the room. “Nice cat suit. Gonna see that on a front page somewhere? Tokyo perhaps?”

She raised an eyebrow, “Never a dull moment. Do you need something?

Steve interjected, “It’s Natalie? I thought you were Natasha.”

She turned towards Steve, Thor seemed interested in the conversation. “Oh, don’t listen to him. Tony’s a little upset still because I made his body guard look bad in a fight, and I managed to pull one over on genius over there.”

Thor laughed loudly. Steve was amused. Tony however had a sour look on his face. “Barton’s in room 6B. You should go see him. I’m curious what name he’ll remember you by. Natalie, Natasha… Natalia.”

Natasha stalked out of the room her ears picking up Steve commenting, “That wasn’t very nice, Stark.”

Tony laughed, “You clearly don’t know what she can do then if you feel bad for her. She can take a little trash talk. She bites back when she’s had enough.”

Clint was visibly in distress when she entered the room. She hadn’t seen him since she knocked him out before he tried to kill her. He was pulling at restraints that kept his on a large chair like table. 

She sat down and started talking. Knowing that a familiar voice would help ground him. After five minutes he had calmed down and seemed to be his normal self.

“What happened?” He asked.

She grimaced. “Well after the Hulk nearly killed me, you stepped in. I knocked you out.”

“No way. You couldn’t knock me out if you tried.” He huffed jokingly.

“It was easy, old man.” She patted his arm. “Loki got inside your head. He was controlling you.”

Clint’s jaw clenched, “What did I do?”

She shook her head, “You’ll just beat yourself up over it. You need to relax. I know…” She started but he interjected.

“Do you know?” He sounded upset. “It’s like he got in here and scrambled everything. Broke me down, and built me into something he could control.”

She sighed, “I know exactly what that’s like. Have you forgotten where I came from? Who made me? What they’ve done to my head. I get what you’re going through.”

“I’m sorry, Nat.” He breathed.

“Don’t be.. Just know that it’ll take time. It’s not a quick fix.”

She uncuffed him and pointed him towards the bathroom. “Go fix your face I did a number on it.”

“I’m telling Laura.” He commented and got up. Natasha cringed. Laura was her favorite person besides Clint and the kids.

 

2012 New York City. Post Chitauri Invasion. 

Natasha stared at the absolute carnage around them. There she stood on a once crowded street, not desolate with wreckage.

“Aliens…” Clint huffed next to her. 

Never in her wildest dreams did she think she’d be here fighting aliens with a man who wore an iron suit, a green monster, a mythical god of thunder, and a super soldier. 

Her tactical suit was depleted. Her weapons all but empty of gone in the battle. She was banged up and oddly reeling with adrenaline. “You’re telling me. God..” She looked over at Clint, “You need to step your game. You’re more human than I am.” She teased.

He shook his head, “I’m out…” He looked down at the street. 

“What does that mean?” Natasha rounded on him. “You aren’t quitting on me. Suck it up, Clint.”

He shrugged, “We’re not equipped for this. They are.” He reminded and motioned to the super enhanced beings among them and Tony with his technology. “They have way less of a chance of dying.”

She shrugged, “I didn’t die today and neither did you. And we fought aliens.” She teased. She knew where he was coming from. She could die and not feel guilty. If he died Laura and the babies would need him. 

“I can help out with your little conundrum, Legolas.” Tony dropped in next to them.

He eyed up Natasha, “We could upgrade those headshots, I’m surprised Tokyo hasn’t let you go yet. Aren’t you getting a little too old for modeling?”

She rolled her eyes. “Never a dull moment, Tony.”

He smirked, “Come to my lab, both of you need an upgrade. That performance today was weak.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow and fired up her widow’s bites. “What was that Tony?” She asked again.

He held up his hands, “I rest.” He backed off and set off after Steve. 

“Let’s get that upgrade and see, Clint.” She nudged him, “What’s the worst that can happen?”

“Coming from you, that doesn’t make me worry any less.” He teased and headed down the street.

After the battle, S.H.I.E.L.D. was busy doing clean up. Fury advised them to lay low for a few days. Clint headed to his house. Natasha sensed that the battle with the supernatural unsettled him and gave him his space. She was shaken too. Dealing with her own mortality in the face of everything she had seen over the past few weeks was exhausting. Thor, Bruce and Steve were basically untouchable in battle. Tony could fly. She was enhanced, but almost enough to not even count. 

While Thor and Loki left with the tesseract, everyone else seemed to scatter. Clint and her were the only ones left at their rendezvous point near central park as the Asgardians left. 

“C’mon, Nat. I’ve got a mission you might be up for.” He pointed towards his sleek black car. 

“What is that? Because really… We just fought aliens and I’d like a nap before we do anything.” She looked at him like she couldn’t believe the words came out of his mouth. “You were just saying you wanted out!”

Clint smiled, “Not that kind of mission. It’s about time I went on a vacation. You, me, Laura and the kids. I’m thinking Brazil. What do you say?”

Natasha buckled up, “Perfeito!” (Perfect!) She smiled.


	18. Chapter 18

2013 Rio De Janiero, Brazil. Age 29.

What had started as a much-needed vacation with the Barton’s turned into nearly a year long stay for Natasha. She liked Rio, it was warm, busy and full of life. Fury had lessened his hold on them after the invasion and let them take the time they needed to regroup. He necessarily didn’t need to regroup, more so she needed to get away. Turning 29 had flipped a switch in her. Suddenly, the memories of the Red Room sterilizing her weighed more heavily on her. The longer she hung around the Barton’s the more she felt suffocated by what had been done to her.

She supposed maybe it was time to try again. Find someone maybe who could love her. In Brazil she had no difficulty finding men to entertain herself with. Clint teased her mercilessly when she parted ways from the family one day on the beach and showed up at the hotel a day later. A year in and living with a boyfriend, she hoped she could change things around. She met him in a club that he happened to own. A rich man who developed buildings in Rio. Asher Wyatt. She had done her research on him. Born in England. Studied at Oxford, then made his first million developing hotels before he turned towards the real estate market. 

Asher rolled over in bed, pulling her close to him. “Good morning, Natalie.” He breathed against her neck. 

He was sweet, and affectionate. Natasha hated that every time he touched her or when they slept together that images of James flooded her mind. No matter how hard she tried to push James away, he snuck back in. 

She sat up and brushed the dark brown hair from his face. “Morning..” She kissed his shoulder. The sun tinted the early morning sky a luminous orange. From the penthouse of his building, the view was magnificent. 

His hands traced her bare spine as she stretched. He’d have to leave for work soon. Rio had been good to her, she had a healthy tan and the sun had bleached her scarlet locks into warm coppery red. “I’m going to shower. Send for breakfast?” She asked softly.

He nodded as she gathered his discarded shirt and shrugged it on while she walked to the bathroom. She knew everything about him and he knew very little of her. She wanted to be honest, but when he asked her name after she went home with him one night, Natalie was the name that came out. She told him she was American, not a total lie, but not exactly the truth either. She said she was taking a year off post master’s degree to travel the world and that he had interrupted her plans. She did like him. She suspected he liked her a lot more. 

While in the shower she soaked in the warm spray, waking up slowly when a hand slipped around her waist and secured her back against his chest. His hand brushed her wet hair away from her neck and kissed her skin.

“Hey.. You’re supposed to be ordering breakfast.” She sighed and clasped her hand over his on her hip. 

Clearly he had other things on his mind beside breakfast. His fingers skimmed over her breast and she bit her lip. “Room service knows how to bring food in and leave it.” He reminded and turned her towards him.

“Ash… What are we doing?” She breathed and wrapped her arms around him. 

He laughed and pressed her back against the wall of the shower. “You’re a smart girl, Natalie. Do I have to tell you?” His hands urged her legs around his hips.

“You’re going to be late.” She gasped as he slid into her. 

His lips pressed against hers briefly, “I’m the boss, I’m allowed to be late.”

She let her head fall back and her eyes flutter shut as he thrust urgently into her. This was the first time she was with him sober. Most nights with him she had enough wine to be buzzed enough to not think of James when she was with him. But Asher’s dark hair and mannerisms reminded her of James. 

Asher nipped at her neck while her hands clung tighter to him. James’ face flashed in her mind with each drag of his teeth on her skin. 

“Harder.” She panted wanting him to drive James from her mind. She wanted to be fair. Asher deserved her to try harder.

“Mmm… Natalie.” He gasped obliging her request. His hands gripped her thighs harder, her body rocking against the wall with each sharp thrust of his hips. She whimpered against his lips. The dirty Russian words she used to whispered into James’ ear rung in her ears. She was desperate to get away from the memory of him. The scar on her hip from the gunshot wound was memory enough now.

Natasha stared into his eyes, forcing her brain to see who it really was. It was high time that her brain caught up. “Ash… Yes!…” She felt herself tip over the edge and find her release. Asher’s hips stuttered against her moments later. 

Asher gently set her back down, kissing her deeply. His hand curled under her chin and tipped her head up. His lips pressed against her forehead. “I love you.” He said with a smile. 

She looked up at him, floored. Her stomach coiled tightly. She didn’t know what to say. “Ash…” She breathed worriedly.

He cupped her face, “I just want you to know where I’m at with us… You’re so hard to read, Natalie. You don’t have to say anything right now. I hope you know I’d never hurt you. You can be yourself with me.” He looked with a reassuring expression. 

That didn’t help her quell the sick feeling in her stomach. He loved her, and he didn’t know her real name or anything about her. “It’s not that I don’t care… I do care… I just…I was hurt by someone else..” It was the easiest way to explain it to him. Any other details of her dramatic, painful past with James would just be confusing. 

“He was stupid to let you go.” Asher said quickly. His lips pressed against hers again for a long kiss. 

Once out of the shower Natasha found her bikini and pulled on a sundress. Her only plan for the day was to lay by the beach. The sounds of the waves seemed to help keep the demons at bay. She at on the bed and used her towel to dry her hair numbly. Her mind reeling through the events of the morning. It was just too much. Maybe she needed to go back to the Red Room and beg them to wipe her memory. Her stomach hurt at the thought of battling James’ memory for the rest of her life. 10 years was a long time ago. His memory, and the memory of them shouldn’t be crippling her chance at happiness now. Maybe her inability to get James out of her mind was the universes way of telling her Asher wasn’t right for her. How could Asher not be right for anyone? He was kind, handsome and attentive. He tried perhaps a little to hard sometimes with her, but it was endearing. 

After a few more minutes of being lost in her head she got up. She was fixing herself coffee when Asher emerged in a fine suit. They ate breakfast quietly while he dodged several phone calls before he even got to taste his food.

“I told you.” She commented as he hung up from one call and three emails chimed in. 

He sighed loudly, “Every minute I get to spend with you is worth digging myself out of a paperwork hole later.” He finished up his food quickly before the phone could ring again and set his napkin down.

She raised an eyebrow, “Tell me how that goes then.” She teased knowing how often he complained about paperwork.

He stood up and called for a car to take him to his office. He leaned down towards her and kissed her hard. “I set up something for you downstairs. Go to the front desk. They’ll know what to do.”

Natasha hated surprises. The spy and assassin in her didn’t like things she couldn’t control. She gasped, “No…What did you do?” She worried with a dramatic grimace.

He laughed, “Nothing bad, Natalie. You’ll like it. I promise.”

“I’m holding you to your word then.” She finished her fruit and watched him grab his things to go. 

“My word is always good. Have fun today.” He smiled and left the penthouse. 

Asher was right. She did like the surprise. He had set up a spa day for her the rivaled the relaxation she felt at the beach. Massage, facial, and long luxurious soaks in tubs. Two girls painted her nails and did the same to her toes. Another woman styled her hair and did her makeup. When they were all done she looked completely different.

She was no stranger to getting made over. Some of her more detailed missions called for it. But in everyday life she usually only wore mascara and spy work for S.H.I.E.L.D. made it hard to keep a manicure looking nice. Her hair was curled in large voluminous waves down her back. Her green eyes were framed with smokey eyeshadows and a dusty rose color painted her lips. 

She had lost all track of time when the ladies escorted her to the door. She had been in there all day. It had barely felt like an hour. She did remember she fell asleep on the massage table and suspected that they just let her rest before continuing. 

“Mr. Wyatt called a while ago for you Miss.” The woman at the front desk said as she walked by. 

“Oh, thank you. Did he leave a message?” She didn’t often carry her phone because she knew if she looked at it she’d be sucked back into agent work. If they really needed her they would easily find her. 

“Yes, he said a car will be picking you up shortly. At 5.”

She glanced at the clock, 5 would be in 15 minutes. She thanked the woman again and hurried to the elevator. Asher was always doing this sort of thing. The spontaneity of it all left her on edge. She liked plans and schedules. She liked being in the loop with information. She tried to tell Asher she hated surprised but he always played it off as her trying to be coy. 

Not knowing anything about the plans posed a whole new problem. How did she dress? According to her makeover it was probably dinner somewhere. She approached the door and let herself in with the key card. On the table by the door was a large white box. It would seem that Asher planned something for her to wear. She carried the box to the bedroom and opened it. 

A sleek black dress, heels and even jewelry. Asher was thorough. She smiled softly and started to change. The dress had a plunging neckline and fit like a glove. In her hurry to change and be on time she dropped her earrings. She got down to the floor and flung the comforter of the bed up to find the small diamond stud. She reached under and felt around when her hand connected with a bag. 

“What…” She huffed. Asher was a clean person and she was a neurotic sort of clean. Nothing wa ever on the floor. Certainly not bags.

She pulled the bag out and examined the printing on the stiff paper that composed it. A store she didn’t recognize. She peeked inside and found nothing in it except a receipt. The receipt was telling. Natasha’s heart thudded as she scanned it and then shoved it and the bag back under the bed. 

Asher’s name was on the bottom of the receipt, he having paid in full for a $10,000 diamond ring. The receipt was dated for yesterday. The only types of rings men spent that sum of money on were the types of rings that came with big questions. If the ring wasn’t in the bag then he definitely had it with him. 

Asher was going to propose. This is what the whole spa and dress things were about. She was not ready for this. She didn’t know what to say if he asked her. She hurried to a drawer on her left and dug out her phone. She turned it on and wasted no time dialing a number.

“Pick up…” she breathed hastily as she fanned her face and tried to keep her breathing under control. 

The call went straight to voicemail. She dialed the same number again. And again. By the fourth time she gave up and sent the same number a text.

-Clint, I need you to pick up the phone. Hurry!-

She mentally did the math in her head and knew that he’s be up still, it wasn’t that late in New York. 

Two minutes passed and she started calling again. Clint never answered as 5 o’clock rolled around. She stuffed her phone into her purse and walked to the elevator. Inside the car Asher had sent for her she texted again.

-Clint… Seriously. I need to talk you!-

She called again and when prompted for a voicemail she sighed and started talking.

“Clint… I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked. That’s my fault. I think I’m in over my head out here…” Her voice trembled as she voiced what had been irking her for a while. “I thought I was okay.. Turns out I can’t beat this ghost. I’ve dug myself a hole that I don’t think I can get out of. I need you to tell me what to do... Please call me back. Okay?” She feared he wouldn’t. That maybe her year out here to find herself just distanced her from her friend. 

The car stopped near a pier that she loved walking at night. It was decorated with thousands of lights and it made the water glitter in the right lights. The driver opened the door for her as she desperately checked her phone one last time. She got out and the man shut the door. “Mr. Wyatt is at the end of the pier Miss.”

Natasha walked down the pier. All manners of people mingling around and eating at the small restaurants that inhabited the pier. She spotted Asher leaning against the railing that looked out over the ocean. She peeked at her phone again, nothing notifying her that Clint had gotten any of her messages. She was stuck. Asher spotted her and smiled, taking her hands in his and kissing her softly.

“You look breath-taking.” He smiled and kissed her again.

She was trembling slightly already. She had no plan, no idea how to swing this situation which was so very unlike her. Clint could have told her how to handle this. 

Asher’s fingers brushed against her cheek, “What is it, you look terrified.” 

Natasha sighed, “You know I hate surprises, Ash.”

He smiled and shook his head, “I think you’re going to like what I’ve set up tonight.”

“Oh.” She said softly and looked out over the ocean. 

His hand brushed down her back, “I know how much you like it here. It made sense to come here tonight.” Out of the corner of her eye she watched him slip his hand into his pocket. 

A chill washed over her skin. He dropped to his knee and suddenly she felt hundreds of eyes on her. The people in the restaurant watching them a few feet away. She panicked, “Asher…” She breathed her mouth going dry. 

“Natalie, I think I speak for both of us when I say this past year has been amazing. You’ve taken over my whole world. I know you’re figuring out your life, but let me figure it out with you. I love you, Natalie. Will you marry me?” He opened a small black box, and the ring glittered in the moonlight. 

Her chest was heaving, her scalp tingled. Her feelings didn’t match his. They answer he wanted to hear was one she couldn’t give. She couldn’t spend the rest of her life closing her eyes or drinking to hide from James. Asher deserved better. Her inability to give an answer caused Asher to shift a little on his knee.

“Natalie…” He half laughed his hand squeezing hers gently. “You really do hate surprises..” People were starting to get uncomfortable and started looking away.

She felt like she couldn’t breathe. She shook and ducked her head. Asher stood up after a few moments longer. She could feel the disappointment coming off him. 

“Did I do this wrong?” He asked quietly.

She shook her head, “It’s me, I did this wrong. You did everything right.” 

He frowned, “If I’ve done everything right, why are you saying no.”

Natasha curled her arms around herself and breathed quickly. He deserved the truth now even if it would hurt her to admit it. “I haven’t been fair to you.”

Asher shut the ring box and closed his hand around it. “There’s someone else?” The accusation in his voice was sharp.

“Yes… and no.” She said finally looked at him. He was heartbroken already, it was in his eyes. The way he looked at her with disbelief. 

“I’ve lied to you from the start. Natalie isn’t my name. I’m not taking a year off after school. I’m an ex-Russian assassin running away from her past.” She laid the truth out for him, “I love a man who I can seem to shake despite the most messed up history I have with him.”

Asher scoffed, “At least tell me the truth. Who would believe anything you just said.” Anger didn’t suit him but she deserved every bit of it.

“I’m not lying anymore.” She said quickly.

“Goodbye, Natalie.” He said firmly and gave her one last broken look before leaving her standing alone on the pier. 

Natasha numbly walked away from the pier feeling more and more like the monster she denied she was. She hurried toward the street, having no other plan but to figure out how to get out of Brazil. She dug for her phone when a red corvette pulled up beside her.

“Need a ride, kid?” Tony asked from inside the car. Natasha frowned and double checked her phone just to make sure she actually tried to contact Clint and not Tony by accident. 

She slid into the passenger’s seat, “What are you doing here?”

Tony sped off down the street. “Building another Stark Tower in Rio, surprised your friend didn’t mention it.” He turned down a road and accelerated towards a highway. “Saw that little show on the pier, what happened?”

She frowned at the word friend. Guilt made her stomach churn again. “I don’t want to talk about it, Stark.”

He was lest Tony-ish than normal, Natasha glanced at him. “You’re like what.. 25?” He commented, “You should be sleeping your way through this city, not trying to pin someone down.”

“29..” She raised an eyebrow, “Don’t you remember, you read my file?”

“I read Natalie’s file.” He quipped. “How is she by the way?”

“Leading a man on, and breaking his heart on a pier.” She commented.

Tony made a noncommittal noise, “Never liked Natalie anyway, can’t trust someone who speaks Latin. I think you did the right thing. I don’t know the whole picture but guys like him are usually just looking for a trophy wife. I don’t see you as the stay at home and look pretty kind of girl.”

Natasha laughed a little. Tony was trying to cheer her up. “You don’t have to do this.” He was right. The type of girl Asher wanted her to be would have made her miserable. 

“But I do.” He nodded, “As much as you scare me, Natasha, if that’s even your real name. No one deserves to be unhappy. So once we get to the jet, you’re having at least 2 drinks before we land in D.C. Plus Barton called me, said you needed help. He knew I was in the area.”

“Why D.C.?” She asked quickly. “Clint called you? Where is he?”

“Europe, I think.” Tony shrugged. “Fury needs you in D.C. I hope you’re ready to get back to work.”


	19. Chapter 19

2014 Washington, D.C. Age 30

For the first time in a long time Natasha was scared. Something had gone seriously wrong with S.H.I.E.L.D. After the Lemurian Star fiasco, things had snowballed out of control. The assassin in her told her to trust no one and that gave her a whole layer of protect just by being suspicious of others. 

Fury was dead. She stood there looking at his dead body. Steve hovered by the door. As much as she gave Fury a hard time, the man took a risk for her. He got her out of Russia and gave her a new start. She owed him the same debt she owed Clint. Now she’d never be able to repay it. 

Members of the Strike team were demanding Steve return to the Triskellion. But not her? She thought that was fishy.

“Natasha.” Steve said softly as he waved off the man in charge. 

She gave him a firm look, “What do you remember about the guy who did this? I can start looking…” She had to avenge Fury’s death. He couldn’t die for nothing. 

Steve frowned, “Soldier type. He’s fast. Had a metal arm.” The man yelled at Steve again. 

All she heard was metal arm and nodded. Steve left and she noticed his hand brush by an open vending machine. 10 minutes later she hurried back to the machine and purchased 4 packs of gun to get a flash drive that Steve had hidden. She had seen the drive before, on their mission on the Lemurian Star. Why would Steve have a flash drive of S.H.I.E.L.D. intel that she acquired? With it safely in her pocket her stuck in a private waiting room and processed Steve’s revelation. 

Based on the description it had to be him. James was back. Since the incident in Odessa, the whisperings about the Winter Soldier had increased. 15 assassinations since 2009. Whoever had James had him good. The scar on her stomach hurt as she thought about him. Anger flooded her. Regret followed suit. She spent 3 hours holed up in the room using her phone hack whatever databases she could get a hold of to find information on James. She discovered her access to S.H.I.E.L.D was taken away. Denied at every turn. 

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Steve stalk down the hallway. He was trying to blend in but was failing. He stared at the vending machine and his jaw clenched. She appeared beside him, and his pushed her backwards. She huffed loudly as her back hit the wall. 

“Where is it?” He demanded, towering over her.

She narrowed her eyes. Steve was normally so docile. He was on edge. “It’s safe, what’s it to you?” Trust no one. Not even him.

“You’re gonna have to do better than that, Romanoff.” His hands grabbed her upper arms.

She looked up at him, remaining calm. “Where did you get it?”

Steve laughed darkly, “Why would I tell you?”

Touché. They didn’t trust each other. But his eyes flicked just briefly downwards. That was a tell. She knew how he got it. 

“Fury gave it to you.. Why?”

“What’s on it?” He pressed her harder against the wall. 

Natasha scoffed, “I don’t know!” She stared at him firmly.

He didn’t buy it, “Stop lying!”

She shoved him back, “I only act like I know everything, Rodgers! Back off.” She raised her hand to hit him if he tried to push her around again. They stared at each other for a while.

“I’m not going to ask you again.” He warned, shoving her back. Her response was instant. She hit in the jaw and spun her leg up to kick him away. Steve was stunned but easily got back up. He rounded on her. 

Did she dare trust him? Fury was gone and to her it seemed like S.H.I.E.L.D. was compromised. Steve looked around making sure the coast was clear.

“I know who killed Fury.” Natasha whispered.

Steve was instantly interested and stopped moving towards her. “Start talking.”

She sighed, “People call him the Winter Soldier. He’s deadly. Juiced up on a serum like you. He’s untraceable. No one can find him. He shows up, kill, and vanishes. No one can touch him.”

Steve furrowed his brow, “How do you know?”

“As soon as you said metal arm..” She admitted. “5 years ago I was escorting a scientist out of Iran. In Odessa our tires were shot out. When I got out of the wreckage and protected the scientist, the Winter Soldier was there. I engaged him for a while but he shot the scientist through me. Soviet slug. No rifling.” She breathed. “I tried to keep up on him. Honestly I want to get him back for this.” She lifted her shirt and revealed the thick scar on her stomach. Despite her quickened healing, the thing scarred anyway.

She fished the flash drive out of her pocket. Steve crossed his arms, “Sounds like a ghost story.”

“He’s real. I’m not lying.” Natasha pressed. 

Steve seemed to be weighing his options. Trying to decide if he trusted her or not. She looked up at him and waited.

“Why don’t you trust me?” She asked.

“I know nothing about you. Except what others have said.” He replied.

“What do they say?” She asked, more curious about the whispers of others than she should be.

“Fury doesn’t trust you.” He said quickly.

“Correction. He did trust me. I had to earn it. People talk because there’s nothing I won’t do. My moral compass switches directions when I need it to. Blessing or curse, you can decide, Rodgers.” She handed him flash drive. 

He picked up the flash drive and stuck it in his pocket. “Where can we go to look at what’s on this?”

“I have an idea. C’mon.” She pulled her hood back up over her head. 

It was a 10 minute walk to the mall across the street from the hospital. Steve wasn’t so good at blending in. He stood out with his muscles and good looks. On their way into the mall she stole a hat and glasses. “Put these on. People are going to recognize you.”

He seemed to be at war with the idea of her stealing. She knew how to blend into a crowd, he didn’t. “You’re out of your league here. Let me help you. S.H.I.E.L.D. is tracking us. We can’t use anything that they’ve had access to. No bank accounts. No phones.”

He reluctantly put the items on. “What about you?”

She laughed, “You’re kidding right? I could disappear into this crowd and you’d never see me again. You need a crash course in spy 101.” 

He stuffed his hands in his pockets as they walked. “How do you know were being tracked?”

She pointed towards a store on their left, “They put an APB out on you. They’ve blocked me from everything. They assume I’m probably helping you. It’s a good thing the others are away. This is already messy.”

“How’d you get access to that intel then?” He followed her toward a computer store.

“I broke into the governments computers and got access to S.H.I.E.L.D. from a higher clearance level.” She smiled. 

He raised his eyebrows, “You hacked the government?”

“You better stop being so judge-y, Rodgers. I wasn’t raised to walk the straight and narrow. I’ve got a feeling hacking the government is going to be the least of our worries.” She headed over to a bank of laptops and held out her had for the flash drive. 

He handed it over. “How does using a computer here help us?”

“They can’t figure out it’s me. Public computers are our best shot. We’ll have about 9 minutes from when I plug it in to when they’ll get an accurate trace on us. You keep an eye out.” She plugged in the drive and her fingers flew over the keyboard. For a few moments it seemed to be going well, but Steve didn’t know what was going on. 

She huffed and bit her lip as she worked, someone was fighting her on breaking into the program. 

“How can I help you folks today?” A young man came over to them. 

Natasha didn’t waste any time. She leaned up and curled her arm around Steve’s arm. “Oh! My fiancé and I are looking at honeymoon destinations!” She smiled brightly and looked up at Steve. He fumbled a bit before nodding at the man. 

“Oh, where are you headed to?” The employee asked.

Steve glanced at the screen as Natasha went back to work. “New Jersey.” He said quickly. Natasha rolled her eyes. He was awful at playing along. 

“Nice.” The young man said and studied Steve. “You know what I have the same glasses at home.” The man seemed to not know when he wasn’t wanted around in a conversation. 

Natasha gasped excitedly, “Oh, babe! Come look. Should we go here? It has beaches, I know how much you love my little bikinis.” She winked at Steve as she slid her arms around him. She had locked in on the location already. 

The employee blushed and made his exit from them. It was like flipping a switch on and off. Natasha pulled away and enlarged the location. “Whatever they’re hiding it’s in here. Know it?”

Steve was impressed with how easily she flitted from act to act. It had him guessing if he even really knew her at all. Or even well enough to trust her to not cross him. “Yes. Let’s go.”

She yanked the drive out and shoved it in her pocket. She hurried out into the crowded mall. Steve cleared his throat as they walked. “I count 8. See them?”

She nodded, “Saw them before you did.” She smirked. 

“You create a distraction, I’ll take them down?” He said quickly.

“Shut up.” She said as two approached them. “Put your arm around me and laugh. Now!” She hissed. Steve this time didn’t miss a beat, he grabbed her around the shoulders and laughed. 

They slipped by the two men easily. He laughed softly and headed for the escalators to get them to the ground floor. Natasha spotted two more on the opposite escalator. She huffed and turned to Steve. “Kiss me.”

“What?”

“Damn it, Steve. Kiss me. Public displays of affection make people uncomfortable..” She grabbed his face and kissed him. He momentarily paused before playing along.

She kept kissing him until she saw the two men pass them. She pulled away and watched Steve look more than uncomfortable. “Relax, Rodgers.” She teased as her action shad safely gotten them out of the mall without being seen.

Steve surprised her when he knew how to boost a car. As they sped away she gave him a shit eating grin. “Knock it off.”

“I’m not doing anything.. yet.” She reminded.

“Yet..” He repeated and merged onto a highway. 

“How does Captain America know how to steal a car?” She laughed. “Enlighten me.”

“Learned it in Nazi Germany.” He said simply.

She laughed, “Oh… not nearly as exciting as I had hoped.” He was easy to poke at. She liked that.

It was silent for a while before she decided to poke again. “Okay… So I have a question. That you don’t have to answer. But really if you don’t answer its like answering anyway.”

“Out with it, Romanoff.” He groaned and cast a weary glance at her.

“Was that your first kiss since 1945?” She smirked and propped her feet up on the dash. “Oh… Was that your first kiss, Cap?” She added excitedly.

He rolled his eyes. “Was it that bad?”

Natasha grinned, “Oh my god. It was?”

Steve sighed loudly, “No, that was not my first kiss since 1945. I’m 95, not dead, Natasha.”

“Hey, alright then. No worries, everyone’s got to practice.” She laughed.

“It’s kissing, you don’t have to practice.” Steve corrected.

“Really… You’re gonna stick with that? I might be your last kiss for the next 95 years if you keep that mentality up.” She teased. “Plus practicing is fun.” She smiled suggestively.

He turned down a less active road and sped off again. He noticeably blushed after he laughed again. “Practice is hard to come by when someone doesn’t share the same life experiences.”

She knew how that went but she wasn’t about to reveal her own sordid problems with her ‘practicing’. “Just make something up.”

He looked over at her, “Oh you mean like you?”  
Touché. She raised an eyebrow. “Truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people, all the time.”

He looked at her a little bit worried, “That’s a tough way to live, you know that?”

She grimaced, “Yeah, but it’s a good way to not die.”

Steve looked forward, “You know its hard to trust someone when you don’t know who they really are.”

She got what he was saying. Being subtle at his poke at her. “Who do you want me to be, Steve?”

He seemed disappointed that she asked that, but answered anyway. “How about a friend?”

“I think we’re in the wrong business for making friends.” She reminded. “A few hours ago my supposed new friend was slamming me into some walls.” She teased.

Steve didn’t bite, “Why do you do that?”

She frowned, “Do what?”

He glanced over at her. “Say something remotely telling that you have feelings and emotions and instantly follow it with sass and sarcasm.”

He had her pegged. “Oh, we don’t have time to figure that out. I’m a mess. You don’t want to go down that road.”

“A friend would.” He reminded. “How bad can it be?”

She frowned, “Bad.”

Steve looked concerned. Natasha shook her head, “See that is exactly why. Pity.”

“I don’t..” Steve corrected. She pointed ahead of them. Their destination ahead. 

She hopped out of the car and looked around. It didn’t take them long to discover the data bank and the odd fact that a scientist trapped his brain in machines. Her phone chimed and she grabbed it, having just avoided being shot by the computer. She hadn’t even had time to process that S.H.I.E.L.D was over run with HYDRA or that HYDRA had their claws in James. Details she knew that Steve did not. 

She gasped at her phone, “Steve.. We’ve got a bogey coming. 30 seconds. S.H.I.E.L.D. fired it.”

He leapt into action grabbing her and running for a grate in the floor. He ripped it open as the missile hit. The explosion hurled her into the hold. Steve slammed into her. His shield raised above them to protect from the fire and falling debris. She curled up and covered her face, a stray slab of concrete crashed onto the shield and slammed her into the ground, her head connecting with the floor and knocking her out cold.

Natasha came too in the car. She gasped and sat up. She was laying down in the back seat. Steve looked over his shoulder. “Hang in there, Romanoff. You took a big hit.” He looked roughed up too as she gingerly touched her forehead. 

He parked the truck and opened the back door, offering to help her out. “I’m fine, it’ll be healed up tomorrow. Where are we?”

“The only safe place I can think of. We’ve got to get off the street and figure out our next plan.”

Natasha nodded, “I don’t know about you but my next plan involves blowing up the asshole who blew us up.”

“Language.” He chided and knocked on the door of a small white house.


	20. Chapter 20

2014 Washington, D.C. Age 30

For the first time in a long time Natasha was scared. Something had gone seriously wrong with S.H.I.E.L.D. After the Lemurian Star fiasco, things had snowballed out of control. The assassin in her told her to trust no one and that gave her a whole layer of protect just by being suspicious of others. 

Fury was dead. She stood there looking at his dead body. Steve hovered by the door. As much as she gave Fury a hard time, the man took a risk for her. He got her out of Russia and gave her a new start. She owed him the same debt she owed Clint. Now she’d never be able to repay it. 

Members of the Strike team were demanding Steve return to the Triskellion. But not her? She thought that was fishy.

“Natasha.” Steve said softly as he waved off the man in charge. 

She gave him a firm look, “What do you remember about the guy who did this? I can start looking…” She had to avenge Fury’s death. He couldn’t die for nothing. 

Steve frowned, “Soldier type. He’s fast. Had a metal arm.” The man yelled at Steve again. 

All she heard was metal arm and nodded. Steve left and she noticed his hand brush by an open vending machine. 10 minutes later she hurried back to the machine and purchased 4 packs of gun to get a flash drive that Steve had hidden. She had seen the drive before, on their mission on the Lemurian Star. Why would Steve have a flash drive of S.H.I.E.L.D. intel that she acquired? With it safely in her pocket her stuck in a private waiting room and processed Steve’s revelation. 

Based on the description it had to be him. James was back. Since the incident in Odessa, the whisperings about the Winter Soldier had increased. 15 assassinations since 2009. Whoever had James had him good. The scar on her stomach hurt as she thought about him. Anger flooded her. Regret followed suit. She spent 3 hours holed up in the room using her phone hack whatever databases she could get a hold of to find information on James. She discovered her access to S.H.I.E.L.D was taken away. Denied at every turn. 

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Steve stalk down the hallway. He was trying to blend in but was failing. He stared at the vending machine and his jaw clenched. She appeared beside him, and his pushed her backwards. She huffed loudly as her back hit the wall. 

“Where is it?” He demanded, towering over her.

She narrowed her eyes. Steve was normally so docile. He was on edge. “It’s safe, what’s it to you?” Trust no one. Not even him.

“You’re gonna have to do better than that, Romanoff.” His hands grabbed her upper arms.

She looked up at him, remaining calm. “Where did you get it?”

Steve laughed darkly, “Why would I tell you?”

Touché. They didn’t trust each other. But his eyes flicked just briefly downwards. That was a tell. She knew how he got it. 

“Fury gave it to you.. Why?”

“What’s on it?” He pressed her harder against the wall. 

Natasha scoffed, “I don’t know!” She stared at him firmly.

He didn’t buy it, “Stop lying!”

She shoved him back, “I only act like I know everything, Rodgers! Back off.” She raised her hand to hit him if he tried to push her around again. They stared at each other for a while.

“I’m not going to ask you again.” He warned, shoving her back. Her response was instant. She hit in the jaw and spun her leg up to kick him away. Steve was stunned but easily got back up. He rounded on her. 

Did she dare trust him? Fury was gone and to her it seemed like S.H.I.E.L.D. was compromised. Steve looked around making sure the coast was clear.

“I know who killed Fury.” Natasha whispered.

Steve was instantly interested and stopped moving towards her. “Start talking.”

She sighed, “People call him the Winter Soldier. He’s deadly. Juiced up on a serum like you. He’s untraceable. No one can find him. He shows up, kill, and vanishes. No one can touch him.”

Steve furrowed his brow, “How do you know?”

“As soon as you said metal arm..” She admitted. “5 years ago I was escorting a scientist out of Iran. In Odessa our tires were shot out. When I got out of the wreckage and protected the scientist, the Winter Soldier was there. I engaged him for a while but he shot the scientist through me. Soviet slug. No rifling.” She breathed. “I tried to keep up on him. Honestly I want to get him back for this.” She lifted her shirt and revealed the thick scar on her stomach. Despite her quickened healing, the thing scarred anyway.

She fished the flash drive out of her pocket. Steve crossed his arms, “Sounds like a ghost story.”

“He’s real. I’m not lying.” Natasha pressed. 

Steve seemed to be weighing his options. Trying to decide if he trusted her or not. She looked up at him and waited.

“Why don’t you trust me?” She asked.

“I know nothing about you. Except what others have said.” He replied.

“What do they say?” She asked, more curious about the whispers of others than she should be.

“Fury doesn’t trust you.” He said quickly.

“Correction. He did trust me. I had to earn it. People talk because there’s nothing I won’t do. My moral compass switches directions when I need it to. Blessing or curse, you can decide, Rodgers.” She handed him flash drive. 

He picked up the flash drive and stuck it in his pocket. “Where can we go to look at what’s on this?”

“I have an idea. C’mon.” She pulled her hood back up over her head. 

It was a 10 minute walk to the mall across the street from the hospital. Steve wasn’t so good at blending in. He stood out with his muscles and good looks. On their way into the mall she stole a hat and glasses. “Put these on. People are going to recognize you.”

He seemed to be at war with the idea of her stealing. She knew how to blend into a crowd, he didn’t. “You’re out of your league here. Let me help you. S.H.I.E.L.D. is tracking us. We can’t use anything that they’ve had access to. No bank accounts. No phones.”

He reluctantly put the items on. “What about you?”

She laughed, “You’re kidding right? I could disappear into this crowd and you’d never see me again. You need a crash course in spy 101.” 

He stuffed his hands in his pockets as they walked. “How do you know were being tracked?”

She pointed towards a store on their left, “They put an APB out on you. They’ve blocked me from everything. They assume I’m probably helping you. It’s a good thing the others are away. This is already messy.”

“How’d you get access to that intel then?” He followed her toward a computer store.

“I broke into the governments computers and got access to S.H.I.E.L.D. from a higher clearance level.” She smiled. 

He raised his eyebrows, “You hacked the government?”

“You better stop being so judge-y, Rodgers. I wasn’t raised to walk the straight and narrow. I’ve got a feeling hacking the government is going to be the least of our worries.” She headed over to a bank of laptops and held out her had for the flash drive. 

He handed it over. “How does using a computer here help us?”

“They can’t figure out it’s me. Public computers are our best shot. We’ll have about 9 minutes from when I plug it in to when they’ll get an accurate trace on us. You keep an eye out.” She plugged in the drive and her fingers flew over the keyboard. For a few moments it seemed to be going well, but Steve didn’t know what was going on. 

She huffed and bit her lip as she worked, someone was fighting her on breaking into the program. 

“How can I help you folks today?” A young man came over to them. 

Natasha didn’t waste any time. She leaned up and curled her arm around Steve’s arm. “Oh! My fiancé and I are looking at honeymoon destinations!” She smiled brightly and looked up at Steve. He fumbled a bit before nodding at the man. 

“Oh, where are you headed to?” The employee asked.

Steve glanced at the screen as Natasha went back to work. “New Jersey.” He said quickly. Natasha rolled her eyes. He was awful at playing along. 

“Nice.” The young man said and studied Steve. “You know what I have the same glasses at home.” The man seemed to not know when he wasn’t wanted around in a conversation. 

Natasha gasped excitedly, “Oh, babe! Come look. Should we go here? It has beaches, I know how much you love my little bikinis.” She winked at Steve as she slid her arms around him. She had locked in on the location already. 

The employee blushed and made his exit from them. It was like flipping a switch on and off. Natasha pulled away and enlarged the location. “Whatever they’re hiding it’s in here. Know it?”

Steve was impressed with how easily she flitted from act to act. It had him guessing if he even really knew her at all. Or even well enough to trust her to not cross him. “Yes. Let’s go.”

She yanked the drive out and shoved it in her pocket. She hurried out into the crowded mall. Steve cleared his throat as they walked. “I count 8. See them?”

She nodded, “Saw them before you did.” She smirked. 

“You create a distraction, I’ll take them down?” He said quickly.

“Shut up.” She said as two approached them. “Put your arm around me and laugh. Now!” She hissed. Steve this time didn’t miss a beat, he grabbed her around the shoulders and laughed. 

They slipped by the two men easily. He laughed softly and headed for the escalators to get them to the ground floor. Natasha spotted two more on the opposite escalator. She huffed and turned to Steve. “Kiss me.”

“What?”

“Damn it, Steve. Kiss me. Public displays of affection make people uncomfortable..” She grabbed his face and kissed him. He momentarily paused before playing along.

She kept kissing him until she saw the two men pass them. She pulled away and watched Steve look more than uncomfortable. “Relax, Rodgers.” She teased as her action shad safely gotten them out of the mall without being seen.

Steve surprised her when he knew how to boost a car. As they sped away she gave him a shit eating grin. “Knock it off.”

“I’m not doing anything.. yet.” She reminded.

“Yet..” He repeated and merged onto a highway. 

“How does Captain America know how to steal a car?” She laughed. “Enlighten me.”

“Learned it in Nazi Germany.” He said simply.

She laughed, “Oh… not nearly as exciting as I had hoped.” He was easy to poke at. She liked that.

It was silent for a while before she decided to poke again. “Okay… So I have a question. That you don’t have to answer. But really if you don’t answer its like answering anyway.”

“Out with it, Romanoff.” He groaned and cast a weary glance at her.

“Was that your first kiss since 1945?” She smirked and propped her feet up on the dash. “Oh… Was that your first kiss, Cap?” She added excitedly.

He rolled his eyes. “Was it that bad?”

Natasha grinned, “Oh my god. It was?”

Steve sighed loudly, “No, that was not my first kiss since 1945. I’m 95, not dead, Natasha.”

“Hey, alright then. No worries, everyone’s got to practice.” She laughed.

“It’s kissing, you don’t have to practice.” Steve corrected.

“Really… You’re gonna stick with that? I might be your last kiss for the next 95 years if you keep that mentality up.” She teased. “Plus practicing is fun.” She smiled suggestively.

He turned down a less active road and sped off again. He noticeably blushed after he laughed again. “Practice is hard to come by when someone doesn’t share the same life experiences.”

She knew how that went but she wasn’t about to reveal her own sordid problems with her ‘practicing’. “Just make something up.”

He looked over at her, “Oh you mean like you?”  
Touché. She raised an eyebrow. “Truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people, all the time.”

He looked at her a little bit worried, “That’s a tough way to live, you know that?”

She grimaced, “Yeah, but it’s a good way to not die.”

Steve looked forward, “You know its hard to trust someone when you don’t know who they really are.”

She got what he was saying. Being subtle at his poke at her. “Who do you want me to be, Steve?”

He seemed disappointed that she asked that, but answered anyway. “How about a friend?”

“I think we’re in the wrong business for making friends.” She reminded. “A few hours ago my supposed new friend was slamming me into some walls.” She teased.

Steve didn’t bite, “Why do you do that?”

She frowned, “Do what?”

He glanced over at her. “Say something remotely telling that you have feelings and emotions and instantly follow it with sass and sarcasm.”

He had her pegged. “Oh, we don’t have time to figure that out. I’m a mess. You don’t want to go down that road.”

“A friend would.” He reminded. “How bad can it be?”

She frowned, “Bad.”

Steve looked concerned. Natasha shook her head, “See that is exactly why. Pity.”

“I don’t..” Steve corrected. She pointed ahead of them. Their destination ahead. 

She hopped out of the car and looked around. It didn’t take them long to discover the data bank and the odd fact that a scientist trapped his brain in machines. Her phone chimed and she grabbed it, having just avoided being shot by the computer. She hadn’t even had time to process that S.H.I.E.L.D was over run with HYDRA or that HYDRA had their claws in James. Details she knew that Steve did not. 

She gasped at her phone, “Steve.. We’ve got a bogey coming. 30 seconds. S.H.I.E.L.D. fired it.”

He leapt into action grabbing her and running for a grate in the floor. He ripped it open as the missile hit. The explosion hurled her into the hold. Steve slammed into her. His shield raised above them to protect from the fire and falling debris. She curled up and covered her face, a stray slab of concrete crashed onto the shield and slammed her into the ground, her head connecting with the floor and knocking her out cold.

Natasha came too in the car. She gasped and sat up. She was laying down in the back seat. Steve looked over his shoulder. “Hang in there, Romanoff. You took a big hit.” He looked roughed up too as she gingerly touched her forehead. 

He parked the truck and opened the back door, offering to help her out. “I’m fine, it’ll be healed up tomorrow. Where are we?”

“The only safe place I can think of. We’ve got to get off the street and figure out our next plan.”

Natasha nodded, “I don’t know about you but my next plan involves blowing up the asshole who blew us up.”

“Language.” He chided and knocked on the door of a small white house. 

`*~*~*~*

Steve and Sam huddled in the kitchen and talked. Natasha headed for the bathroom. Freshly showered, she sat on the bed and tended to the healing cut on her forehead. She rubbed her forehead, the words of the scientist echoing in her head. A mysterious algorithm they needed to figure out posed a serious problem. Fury was dead. S.H.I.E.L.D. was trying to kill her and Steve. 

“You okay?” Steve asked from the door.

She raised an eyebrow at him and nodded. Using the towel to wring out her wet hair. Steve sat on the bed next to her.

“What’s going on?”

She looked at the ground for a while before deciding she could trust him. “I thought I knew who’s lies I was telling.”

Steve frowned as she took a deep breath, “I guess I just traded in the KGB for HYDRA. Sold KGB lies because I thought I was finally going straight by working for S.H.I.E.L.D. I can’t tell the difference anymore. Who’s lying and who’s not.” She looked shaken. “I’m a liar in the service of liars. How naïve am I to assume S.H.I.E.L.D. was better than the KGB?”

He listened, “KGB huh?” He concluded, not quite sure how he missed the fact that she was Russian. She had no accent. Her name suggested Russian but he had just assumed it was one of her cover names.

She glanced at him, “Master KGB assassin by 18 years old. Started killing at 11. Didn’t know you were friends with a monster, hmm?” She sighed and crumbled the towel in her hand.

If he had any shock to what she said he hid it well. “You can’t let your past dictate your future. That’s no way to live, Natasha.”

She stared at him for a while and then admitted, “I owe you.” She was quickly racking up debts to these men she worked with. Clint, Fury, now Steve. 

He shook his head, “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

“If it was the other way around. Down to me to save your life. Would you trust me to do it?” 

Steve didn’t miss a beat, “I would now.”

Breaking into Fort Mead to steal military equipment was fun. Steve letting her kick Sitwell off the roof to get information about Insight was even more fun. They were speeding down the freeway intent on getting into the Triskellion. She hacked her way into filed again, before gasping. “16 hours until launch.. That doesn’t leave us enough time.” She pointed out to Sam and Steve.

“It’s manageable.” Steve corrected when a loud thud dented the top of the car. Natasha grabbed her gun from her thigh holster when the window exploded and Sitwell was thrown from the car. Natasha fired through the roof before a metal hand burst through the roof. She threw herself forward, Steve helping her out of the way. She crouched on his lap as she shouted at Sam. “Faster!” She panted, shooting again at the roof. 

A hand burst through the windshield showering them with glass, the steering wheel ripped from Sam’s hands. A truck behind them rammed into the car. With no way to steer it wobbled dangerously. 

Steve kicked the door open and grabbed her and Sam. Using his shield as a barrier they slammed onto the highway below and skied several hundred feet. 

Sam tumbled off yard back. As Natasha got to her feet an RPG was fired. Steve flung her out of the way and took the brunt of the blast. He was hurled off the elevated highway. Natasha crouched behind an upturned vehicle and drew her second clip. Her heart hammered painfully. How was he here again, shooting at her? Anger coursed through her veins. She hurled herself into sight and fired. A hail storm of bullets rained in her direction as James loaded another RPG. She sprinted for cover. Hurtling the embankment and sliding across two cars as the explosion threw her forward. She jumped the edge and plummeted to the ground. With a forceful twist she fired a device from her wrist, a hook shot into the bridge and she swung to the ground. 

On the ground she spotted his shadow. He was done hurting innocent people. If he had a quarrel with her and Steve. If HYDRA employed him to kill them, then she would draw his attention. His shadow cast over the bridge. In a second she aimed and fired both of her guns at him. A bullet striking his goggles. 

Natasha crouched beside a vehicle and waited. Did she kill him? It couldn’t be that easy. James leapt over the edge and dropped down onto a car. Natasha felt her stomach roil. He was pissed. Yelling in Russian. Someone else had been teaching him. She emptied her clip again and took his pause to reload to changer her position. She ran, urging civilians to take cover. She had to regain the element of surprise.

She dropped her phone behind a car and left it replaying a recording. She watched James approach the car, his machine gun loaded. She waited as he rolled a device under the car thinking he had cornered her. It exploded and she sprung forward, propelling herself off the roof of a car onto his shoulders. Her legs kicked his gun down and wrapped around his arms. She slammed her garrote against his neck, one of his hands trapping it as she yanked. He reeled backwards and slammed her into another car. 

Natasha crashed to the ground. James rounded on her in a second, gun raised. She flung a taser disc at his arm and sprinted, not taking any more risks in getting shot. She hurtled down the street looking for cover. A bullet screamed past her ear. She rolled to the ground as James pursued her. She scrambled under a truck and sprinted back in the direction she came from. Thinking she had lost him she looked for Steve. 

A bullet tore through her shoulder, knocking the wind from her as she toppled against a car. Her hand flew to the wound, pain blossoming across her chest. James slid over the hood of the car and aimed at her head. Intent to kill blazing in his eyes.

Natasha was frozen. Out of ammo, out of tools, she scrambled to her knees in a last-ditch effort to run despite the blinding pain. Steve’s shield flung over her head and knocked James back. 

She ripped her jacket off, ripping the lining out to stem the flow of blood down her chest. She scrambled to a dead cop and grabbed his discarded gun. She rounded on the fight behind her, her right arm useless with a bullet lost in the shoulder. That wouldn’t stop her. Steve bashed his shield into James’ face knocking the mask off. 

It was like the world stopped. Both men stared. Natasha had never seen Steve freeze before. 

“Bucky?” Steve said in disbelief. 

Natasha surged forward and shot the single bullet left in the gun. It lodged in his armor and broke the weird pause the men had experienced. But Natasha was angry. She slammed into James. Her fist flying. Her knee connected with his ribs. Her elbow cracked against his face.

James staggered and shoved her backwards. The fury inside her made her surge forward again, throwing the useless gun at him. It ricocheted off his shoulder. 

“Natasha!” Steve shouted as she flung her foot into the air and grazed his head. 

James trapped her right arm and yanked her towards him. Her arm erupted in pain, a desperate cry escaped her lips as she fought the grip. It was like her was trying to shred her shoulder to pieces. She dug her feet into the ground and unsettled his balance, a shove of her hip sent him down. But his grip didn’t falter. He growled and pushed her off of him. She was hell bent on proving her point. She dove at him, her fists flying at every inch of him she could reach. 

“You don’t get to shoot me twice and act like I’m just bullet fodder!” She hissed as she kicked away his only gun left. 

James growled and threw her down against the cement. “I’ll shoot you a third time, and I won’t miss.”

“Don’t do me any favors!” She slapped him in an effort to break his hold on her. His hand closed around her throat, slick with the blood pulsing from her wound. He squeezed as her feet dug into his sides.

“James…” She gasped. Her fingers prying at his hands. “James!” She wheezed her eyes wide with terror. 

Steve slammed into both of them, James rolled away and scrambled to his feet. Natasha shoved Steve and got up intent on striking again. James stared at her and then the blood on his hands. Like he was confused. 

“Помни меня, черт возьми, Джеймс!'' She yelled. (“Remember me! Damn it, James!”) Steve grabbed her, pinning her against him, not sure what to make of her screaming at Bucky in the middle of a fight. 

James grabbed the gun and tore off down the street. Natasha was furious as she dug her feet in and laid Steve out on the ground with a simply throw over her shoulder. 

Her heart pounded, adrenaline filled her. She could catch up. A gun pressed into her back. “On the ground, Romanoff.” Rumlow hissed. Helicopters surged over head. She was surrounded. Steve was handcuffed. Sam was being hauled into an armored truck. 

She twitched and her hand shot upwards to hit him. 

“Wrong choice, Natasha.” He caught her wrist and slammed her into the ground. 

In minutes she was forced into the truck, bound hands and feet to a seat next to Sam. Steve looked furious. 

“You don’t take orders well do you?” Sam commented, trying to ease the icy situation.

Natasha had calmed down now and felt the extent of her injury. She was pale and pain caused a sheen of sweat on her skin. 

“Ever tried to tell a Russian what to do?” She breathed. 

“What the hell was that back there, Romanoff?” Steve snapped. 

Sam frowned, “Now isn’t the time.”  
Natasha shut her eyes and breathed slowly. James was under her skin. Now the thought of him sent her into a blind, stupid rage. The way she acted in the fight was beneath her. She let him get a hold of her emotions. That cool reserve she maintained shattered around him. She wasn’t the only one to see that. Steve saw it all.

Sam watched blood trickle from the wound on her shoulder. “Through and through?” He asked her.

“No.” She grimaced.

Sam turned to the two guards in the truck with them. “She needs pressure on that wound our she’ll bleed out.”

One guard looked at the other and then suddenly tasered the second one. Natasha jerked at the restraints, figuring they were going to be next. The guards helmet dropped to the ground and Steve laughed. 

“What do you say we get out of here?” Maria Hill smiled. 

The next hour was a blur. When the vehicle stopped, Maria got them out safely and undetected. They rushed deep into the woods nearby and entered the drainage pipe under an abandoned bridge reclaimed by nature. It seemed to be a safe house of some sort. 

Sam was applying pressure to her shoulder as they moved the whole time. Inside the compound, Maria led them to a room. Natasha didn’t believe her eyes.

“How is it that a defected Russian master assassin is always the one getting shot?” Fury asked from a hospital bed. 

“Because her temper is as red hot as her hair.” Steve said quietly. 

“Do you have a problem, Rodgers?” Natasha quipped back quickly.

“Okay, children…” Maria interjected and nodded to a doctor to motioned for Natasha to sit on a bed. 

As everyone discussed how Fury somehow managed to be alive, the doctor was setting up supplies on a tray. 

“Take this.” The doctor handed her two pills.

“What is it?” She said softly. Her mind reeling over James.

“Pain killer, and an antibiotic.”

“No painkillers.” She offered the pills back and the doctor reluctantly took the larger white pill away.

“It’s not going to feel good, Natasha. I’ve got to dig the bullet out. It’s shallow.” The doctor insisted.

“No.” Pain would clear her head. It would chase James away back into the depths of her memory where he belonged. He held slender surgical pliers in his hand. Everyone else in the room seemed to be chancing peeks at her. Twice she caught Steve watching, and once Sam. Maria and Fury were sneakier about checking up on her from afar. 

The doctor extended her should back and slid the pliers into the wound. She grit her teeth. It took him several moments to find the bullet. Meanwhile she wished she hadn’t been dumb enough to deny painkillers. The pain was sharp, it took her breath away. It made James disappear. 

She gasped as her eyes flooded with tears. The emotional trauma of the day setting in. He had shot her again. Threatened to do it a third time because she dared to live each time. A strangled sob escaped her lips as she hung her head. If there was truly any shred of James left in him, he wouldn’t have said something like that. Her James wasn’t this monster. 

Fury nodded at Maria and Sam who left the room as she started to sob. Fury himself got up and shut the door to his room proclaiming something about sleep. 

Steve gently took her hand and held it firmly. She leaned into his chest. Despite being angry with her earlier, he wasn’t going to let her suffer whatever seemed to be bothering her. Steve cradled her head against his chest as the doctor worked. She kept crying and crying, Steve was flabbergasted. 

“Can’t you do something for the pain?” Steve asked after a few minutes.

“She denied them.” The doctor replied and extracted the bullet. He scanned the area with a device and concluded there was no major internal damage. He cleaned and stitched the wound. Wrapping a generous amount of gauze around the wound and stabilizing her shoulder with tape to prevent movement.

Natasha had been eerily quiet since the bullet had been pulled out. Steve could see her breathing quickly. “Romanoff…” He said softly, letting go of her gently.

She stiffly sat up and used her left hand to wipe her wet face. She shook her head, denying him.

“I’m calling in that debt. Start talking.” He said quickly.

“Why did you call him Bucky?” She said quietly, she lifted her green eyes and waited. Steve generally foresaw that when he called in the favor that he’d be asking the questions, not her.

“I know him.”

“What?” Natasha said in disbelief. How could they both know him by different names. It clicked in her head. James would be nearly the same age as Steve. “Before the war…”

“Yeah.. How did you know that?” Steve seemed shocked that she pieced it together.

“You’re not the only one who knows him.” She grabbed a chunk of gauze and wiped at the dried blood on her arms. “I just know him as James.”

“No one called him James, unless it was a girl he was chasing.” Steve said with an odd expression on his face. Then he realized. “Oh, but I don’t understand. You were born in what, the 80’s?”

Natasha nodded. “The KGB tried to train super soldiers. Like you. They had serums, they used them on us to in the Black Widow program. One day he showed up at the Red Room. Metal arm and all, looking as young as the rest of us.”

Steve rubbed his head. “Wait what year was that?”

Natasha shrugged her shoulder stinging, “Probably 2000-ish.”

“He fell from the train in 1945… I thought he was dead. Dead, until today. I looked for ever for him.” Steve said in disbelief. 

This was fascinating news, Natasha needed more. “He told me once that he woke up. He remembered the war and then he woke up. He had the arm and didn’t remember how he got it. They used him in my training. He’s impossible to beat.”

Steve recalled that she mentioned the Winter Soldier before and withheld all this information. She claimed she saw him in Odessa, not Russia. “Why didn’t you tell me this back at the hospital?” He asked.

“It wasn’t necessary… I’m..” She stammered and ducked her head.

“You’re what…” He continued.

“I’m trying to forget him.” She cleared her throat and shook her head forcing back another wave of tears. “Because remembering him does this to me.” She gestured to herself.

“What did he do to you? The Bucky I know wouldn’t hurt someone like this.” Steve pressed. 

Natasha looked at him. “I fell in love with him. In a place that punished you for love, for hope, and any other thing that didn’t directly involve killing. I was so in love. He was kind. He made me better. He was everything to me. I gave him everything. Every part of me, and I let it make me foolish. Both of us. We thought our love would survive the KGB and somehow it would hold us together.”

Steve watched her eyes glaze over with tears. His hand gently held hers. The only gesture he could think of that would help her. “The girls loved him back in the day. He was chivalrous. He listened to them, most men didn’t Women weren’t treated the same back then. You two ran away? How does that end up with him being under HYDRA’s thumb and you working for S.H.I.E.L.D.?” He asked.

“I asked him to run away with me…” She admitted. “He wouldn’t let me run from my problems. He helped me face them. In the end we were punished for it. They discovered I was… pregnant, and tortured us until they had the truth. They wiped his memory and made me watch. I saw him a few times after that. They messed with my head too. I remembered somethings but not all. I tried to make him remember me... But he’s gone, Steve. The machines they have and use on us. There’s no coming back from that.”

He squeezed her hand as a tear trailed down her cheek. Steve suddenly understood why she was the way that she was. The trauma she experienced. He heard stories of what people had learned about the Red Room and KGB assassin training. It was inhumane. She survived it all, a testament to her strength. She used sarcasm and flirtation to deflect others from looking too closely at her because they’d see the pain. He could feel the pain radiating from her. Pain that caused her to have a built fished out of her body with no painkillers just to combat it. He didn’t want to cause her anymore pain but he had a million more questions. 

“Did you have a baby?” He asked quietly. Was Bucky a father and he didn’t know it.

Natasha huffed, “No…” she said morosely. “I was 18. When girls graduate from the Red Room… We’re sterilized for our own good. That’s how they found out. They took care of it, before I had a chance to even know I was pregnant.”

Steve looked away. How much trauma was she going to reveal? “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She whispered. “I can’t miss something I never had.”

“That’s not true. You’re allowed to want those things.” He tugged her in as her lip trembled. 

Truth of the matter was, she denied it for years. But she wanted that baby. The one she didn’t know she had. “I did… I really wanted it. I wanted a family, and a whole bunch of kids. With him I saw that, at 18 of all ages. I saw my future and they took it away.”

Steve was quiet for a while, “You still can, Natasha. Medicine has advanced. You never know they could maybe reverse what was done to you.”

She leaned into him and shut her eyes. “You’re a bad liar. But thank you for lying to me. I just wished I could believe it.”

Steve watched Sam and Maria walk into the room. 

“We have a plan, Rodgers.” Maria said quickly. 

Sam went over to Natasha. “How’s my favorite redheaded badass?”

“I’ll live.” She admitted after a second.

“Good to hear it, we’ve got a job for you.” Sam smirked and handed her a blue suit jacket and skirt.

“Oh, you sure know a way to a ladies heart. A tweed suit?” She huffed.

“She’s still actively bleeding she can’t possibly be up for this.” Steve interjected.  
“Relax, Rodgers. You’ll be doing all the actual work. She’s going undercover.” Fury entered the room and motioned for everyone to follow him. “We’ve got 3 hours to bring Insight down.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've always had this head canon about Natasha and Steve being super good friends. Winter Soldier only confirmed that and I was over the moon that it happened in the MCU. Their friendship is only going to get better once they both realize they know James.


	21. Chapter 21

Summer 2014. Barton Farm. Age 30

In the fallout of Washington D.C. and S.H.I.E.L.D.’s dissolution, Natasha needed to lay low. She had blow every cover she had. Her dirty secrets laid out in the open from her data dump a few weeks ago. 

Steve and Sam took off in search of James. Following cold leads on him in the backlash from events of the Potomac wreckage. She decided she shouldn’t leave the country this time. Last time hadn’t worked out so well for her. 

She hadn’t seen Clint or the kids in over a year. Her missions rarely coincided with Clint’s. Now that S.H.I.E.L.D. had fallen, Clint opted to focus more on family. Owing to jump right back in when or if he was needed. Last Natasha had heard, Tony was taking over the Avengers. Using Stark Tower as an Avengers home base. 

She parked her car on the dirt driveway and walked up the familiar steps. She could smell barbecue. Laughter in the back yard of the house. Natasha had traded her penchant for boots and leggings for jean shorts and sandals. A summer on the farm would give her time to figure her life out once again. 

“Auntie Nat!” Cooper yelled and bounded for her as she walked around to the back. 

Laura was rocking with Lila on the wooden bench that hung from an old oak tree. Clint was tending the grill, and every member of the family beamed as they spotted her. An alarming feeling washed over her. A feeling of belonging. Family. Maybe Steve was right. She could have a family, just not in the way she had thought. 

“Cooper!” She dropped down and hugged the growing boy. “Buddy! You’re so big now!” Lila was bounding across the lawn. “Lila! Look at you! You’ve lost some of your teeth! Did the tooth fairy come?

The boy squeezed her tightly. “Daddy said you saved the world last week.”

“I got a dollar!” Lila beamed.

Natasha smiled, “I sure did, kiddo.” Clint had a way of exaggerating. But she supposed in a way she and Steve did save the world. “Oh, Lila! You’re rich, huh?” She squeezed both of the kids again.

“Cooper, those chickens need their dinner. Don’t you forget.” Clint reminded. Cooper tore off for the chicken coops down by the barn.

Natasha walked over to Clint who set down some tongs. “About time you showed your face around here, Nat.” He grabbed her and hugged her tightly.

“I won’t stay away this long ever again.” She needed the Barton’s. She needed to let herself feel how it felt to belong to a family. 

“Why did you?” Clint asked and reached into a cooler and handed her a beer.

She shrugged, “I was ashamed after Rio. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. when belly up. James showed up again… He shot me again.” She pointed to the pink scar on her shoulder. “My cover’s blown. I need to hide out now.”

“You know you have a home here as long as you need it.” Clint reminded. Choosing not to delve into the details of Rio that he didn’t know or that she had been shot by her ex again. Assassin problems, he shook his head slightly at the thought. 

“I think I’m gonna need it forever.” She sipped the beer and grimaced.

“You know Laura and I would never turn you away. Our house is yours forever then.” Clint smiled.

“I don’t deserve you.” Natasha smiled.

Clint laughed, “You can earn your keep with manual labor. I’ll put you to work.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

Natasha spent the next three months waking up at dawn with Clint and feeding animals. Cleaning stalls, where she found out she loved horses. The general upkeep of the farm kept her and Clint on their toes. From repairing lofts and siding, to mechanical problems from a very temperamental tractor. 

Laura always found ways to steal Natasha away to help with meals or the kids. Which Natasha loved he best. She tutored Cooper all summer in reading. Cooper showed her how to fish in the pond. 

Natasha baby sat once a week and insisted Clint and Laura get out of the house. Those nights Natasha was the fun auntie. She let Cooper stay up late and watch movies with her. They ate ice cream out of the container. Lila would make her color with her until her fingers bled. Lila liked it best when Natasha would take the little girls pictures and turn them into stories. 

When it stormed outside, Cooper and Lila had started climbing into her bed at night. Where Natasha would turn the lights on low and read them stories until he fell asleep again. Clint and Laura weren’t surprised when the kids started running to Natasha’s bed on nights when there were no storms. They’d wake and find Natasha’s door open and the kids and her buried under blankets and pillows. Books scattered around the bed. 

On the nights Cooper didn’t get scared or when she wasn’t babysitting, she called Steve. In the light of the revelation that they both knew James, they sought refuge in that thought. Steve was off chasing James. She called every night to hear of developments. Sometimes Steve would call, disheartened from another cold trail that didn’t lead to his life-long friend. He’s ask Natasha to tell him stories about James from her time in the Red Room. He’s always comment on them, regaling on how it was exactly like him to be that way. 

Most nights it was her calling Steve, asking for stories about James before the war. On those nights where the ache in her heart was too much to bear. She’s lay in bed smiling as Steve told stories of old timey New York and the James she knew wasn’t so different from the Bucky he knew. She learned that James had a thing for redheads and Steve called it fate that he’d fall in love with a redheaded Russian.

“Where are you guys today?” She asked sleepily. It was nearing midnight where she was. 

Steve paused for a moment, “Romania.” He sounded defeated again.

“Cold trail?” She worried there wouldn’t be a trail to lead to James. If he didn’t want to be found she was sure that James had the skill set to make sure he wouldn’t be found.

“Yeah. I’m sorry.” She heard Sam mumbling in the background.

“Don’t be. We knew this wouldn’t be easy.” She tried to remain positive.

“We’re coming back, Natasha.” He said after a long pause.

“Why?” She said quickly.

“We’ve got nothing else to go on. We’ve exhausted every lead. Plus we discovered a HYDRA base. Cut off one head, two more grow in its place.” Steve repeated the mantra.

“Ugh… We have to go back to work then?” She didn’t want her summer to be over.

“Afraid so. I already called Stark and Hill. They’ve uncovered more. They calling in everyone tomorrow. Think you can find Clint? We’re going for the biggest threat, a base in Sokovia.” Steve commented.

“I’m sure I can manage to find him. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then. Avengers Tower?” 

“Yes.” He said quickly, “When this is all over. This HYDRA business, I’m going to look again. He made a promise to me years ago, I’ve got to follow through. No matter how long it takes.”

Natasha smiled, “I’ll come with this time. What did he say to you?” 

Steve added, “He said ‘I’m with you until the end of the line’”. 

“That’s something he’d say. So gallant of him.” She smiled against the phone. “I would have teased him about that.”

“It’s a miracle he liked you, Romanoff.” Steve chuckled.

“Mean. That’s not the only way I teased him.” Natasha huffed, knowing anything over PG-13 would get Steve all ruffled. He was very much an old man sometimes. “When we were faced with having to go our separate ways in Russia he said something along the same lines. Much more romantic but the same idea.”

“Eww.” Steve mimicked the way she exclaimed “Mean” a few seconds ago. “What did he say then? Unless it’s dirty, then I don’t want to hear it.”

Natasha smirked, “Oh, I’ll tell you about the dirty Russian things he’d say to me.”

“Please don’t.” Steve interjected quickly.

She laughed, “Your loss then, Rodgers. You could learn a thing or two, You still need that practice.”

“I’ll hang up. I didn’t call for a trip down a dirty Russian road.” Steve quipped. He usually wasn’t quick about those. She was rubbing off on him.

“Oooh, listen to you Steve Rodgers. You didn’t miss a beat on that one. I’m so proud. And they say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” She heard thunder rumble in the distance. In a few moments her room would be taken over. 

“I’m counting to three and hanging up if you don’t get on with your end of the story.” Steve replied, having a good laugh at his own expense. 

She breathed slowly and abandoned her playful banter. “He said it wouldn’t matter how far we went or for how long we were gone. Whenever we found each other it would be like coming home. Where ever we were together would be all that we needed.” She said softly.

“See, once he gets over this shooting you business every time he sees you, he’ll remember that. You’ll have you home.” Steve seemed to be the biggest champion of making sure James recovered and ended up with her.

“I don’t know. I’ve got a lot to work out on how I feel about him shooting me. Can’t shake the nightmares.”

Steve gave a noncommittal noise, “You know it wasn’t him deciding that. Someone is controlling him. We both know he wouldn’t ever do that to someone he cared about.”

“I hope you’re right about that.” Lighting crackled in the sky. Thunder rattled the windows. Natasha sat up and reached for the basket of book she kept beside her bed. “I’m about to be overrun with little kids afraid of thunder and lightning. I’ve gotta go.”

“Tell the kids I say hi.” He replied before yawning. “Goonight Natasha.”

“Bye, Steve.” 

Like clockwork, Lila trudged into the room carrying her rainbow blanket, a teddy bear and a pillow. “C’mon, kiddo.” She smiled and tucked Lila into bed next to her. Cooper entered a moment later. He had a dinosaur blanket, two pillows and a flashlight. 

She patted the bed and he tucked himself in. She reached for the first book and started reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is one of my biggest headcanons involving Natasha and the Bartons, and Natasha and Steve. The Bartons need her just as much as she needs them. It kind of took her a while to realize how much she needed them as a surrogate family to the one she never had. 
> 
> Plus for the longest time I had this head canon about Steve and Natasha seeking each other out to comfort each other with stories about James. they both need him to be okay and the feels honestly, it's so feels. Hope you enjoyed! Steve and Natasha bantering is just so much fun.


	22. Chapter 22

Early Fall 2014 Quinjet. Somewhere over the Atlantic. Age 30.

Natasha crumbled to the floor as the jet propelled into the air. But she really wasn’t there. She was in the Red Room watching the younger version of herself.

Madame was displeased. “Sloppy, Natasha.” She grimaced. “You’re better than this.”

Young Natasha faltered from her pirouette. “Again!” A teacher shouted. 

Natasha bristled and reached for Madame. “You’ll break them.” She hissed.

Madame smiled at her, as the girls spun again and again. Her younger self pushing through the pain, her pointe shoes marked with blood. She wanted to make them stop. 

“Only the ones who are breakable.” Madame smiled at her. 

The vision blurred. Natasha watched her 18 year old self pass the exams. Blood dripped from her fingers. She was so small back then. So deadly.

The vision blurred once again. Natasha watched as the doctors took from her what she had always wanted. Her body vulnerable on the table, scarlet lines scoured across her lower stomach. Tools dipping into her body and ruining her.

The scene blurred again. James holding a little boy. A boy so unmistakably them. His dark her, her green eyes. The baby she should have had. 

James looked at her, “Natasha!”

She felt the world shake as he said it again, ”Natasha!”

James was fading away. 

“Natasha!” She opened her eyes and found her hands bloodied and clenched in Steve’s hands. Everyone was staring. Clint had a broken nose, did she do that?

She tugged at her hands, digging her feet into the floor to get away. Steve doubled his grip, “Sit down, Romanoff or I will restrain you. Stop it.. He pushed her back to the ground. “The girl got into your head, don’t let her win.”

Natasha looked around, everyone had taken a hit. Thor was sullen and watching from a corner. Bruce was lost in his headphone, hood drawn to block out the world.

Stark was flying and kept turning to check on the situation. Clint approached her and clapped Steve’s shoulder. “I’ll take it from here, Rodgers.”

Steve let go and moved to a seat nearby. Clint sat on the floor with her. She fought back a whimper, her own head betraying her. 

“Come here.” Clint said softly and wrapped an arm around her. He of all people knew what she was probably seeing in her head.

“I’m sorry about your face.” She whispered.

“It’ll be healed by the time we land. I’m still telling Laura.”

Natasha grimaced. “No, she doesn’t need to know anything that happened. It’s not healthy for the baby.”

“She’ll figure it out. She always does.”

When the Quinjet landed in the field outside the Barton farm, Clint tugged her off the floor. He led the whole team towards the front door under the guise that this was a safe house. It was in fact a safe house. Natasha felt better just by smelling the homey scent of the house. Inside Clint found Laura who gasped and hugged him. 

“Daddy! Is Auntie Nat here?” Lila bounded into the room.

“Why don’t you ask her and find out?” Natasha flipped a switch and caught the little girl as she leapt into her arms. 

Thor left briskly and Bruce headed upstairs. Tony followed Steve outside and Laura rounded on Natasha. The kids hurried off to help Clint with some chores.

“Nat, what’s going on.” Laura asked quietly and handed her a mug of tea. 

“It’s nothing. We just need to lay low.” She rubbed her face.

“Every time you come here it’s to regroup or hide from your past, which one is it?” Laura drove a hard bargain.

“Both.” 

\---  
In the weeks after Sokovia and Ultron, Natasha and Steve elected to postpone their search for James. The new Avengers needed training at Tony’s new Avengers compound. She helped teach the new Avengers hand to hand combat, stealth and as she called it spy 101. 

Natasha hopped up and put her hands on her hips. She was in the gym with Wanda, Sam, Rhodey and Vision. Steve and Tony were conversing nearby as she accepted Sam’s challenge for a spar. Sam had yet to beat her and today was no different.

“I think there’s a reason why you should stick to flying.” Natasha teased and helped him up. Sweat glistened off her stomach and shoulders in the sports bra and leggings she typically wore in training classes. 

“I’m unbeatable in the sky.” Sam said proudly and wiped his forehead.

“Didn’t Wanda knock you out of the sky last week?” Rhodey laughed.

Natasha smirked and looked at Steve. “What do you say, call it a day? It’s Friday.”

Steve nodded, “That give everyone time to get ready for the party.”

Natasha frowned, “Party?”

Tony smirked, “You think we’d let you try and sneak off without a birthday party?”

“Shit…” She huffed quietly. “It’s not my birthday, who told you that?”

Steve crossed his arms and looked more than interested in a rack of weights. She knew who blew the cover on her birthday. She hadn’t celebrated it in years. The Red Room didn’t celebrate birthdays. They were acknowledged as milestones. 

She smacked Steve for letting others know, “What did I ever do to you, Rodgers?”

He laughed, “It’ll be fun. You don’t turn 31 every day.”

“Says the 97 year old.” She sassed, “And I’m 29, idiot.”

Vision spoke up, “Natasha Romanoff. Birthday November 22, 1984. Age 31.”

She rolled her eyes and cocked her hip to the side. The others laughed. “Thanks Vis.” She said dryly.

“You don’t look a day over 18, you and Wanda could be sisters.” Sam pandered to her.

“Need me to kick your ass again, Wilson?” She laughed.

“Like it or not, the party is on the way. Wear something nice Romanoff.” Tony said chipperly and motioned for everyone to disperse.

“Sweatpants and a t-shirt it is.” She said begrudgingly.

It took her an hour to clean up. Tony had sent her a nice dress, which she’d have to thank him for eventually. The dress was a royal blue with sheer sleeves that fell off her shoulders. It was very form fitting, not that she had anything to hide in it. No room for the thigh holster that she often wore just for comfort. She curled her hair which she had cut shorter now. Her red tresses brushed just above her shoulders. She stepped into tall black shoes and heard a knock on the door. She opened it and found Sam and Steve. 

“Party’s already started. Stark out did himself. Dance floor. DJ. Bottle service. Catering.” Sam said with an impressed smile. “Now I take it back you and Maximoff are definitely not the same age.” He said appreciatively as he admired just how nicely she cleaned up.

She groaned, “I’m not going.” She hurried to shut the door.

Steve blocked the door and smiled, “No way, get your 31-year-old ass out there, Romanoff.”

“Ohh, you said a bad language word!” She swatted him and reluctantly shut the door. 

After 3 glasses of champagne she didn’t care so much about how crowds made her suspicious. She danced and met a ton of people that all seemed to know her. Clint, Laura and the kids made an appearance which ultimately made her night.

She walked with Clint and the family as they left around 9 o’clock.

“Happy birthday Nat.” Clint smiled and hugged her. 

“Take care of my family.” She smiled. Laura had a month to go before the baby would get there. 

“Auntie Nat, you look like a princess.” Lila squeezed her.

She dropped down and crouched by the little girl. “Thank you sweetie!” She hugged her. 

She hugged Cooper and watched them leave. 

“Does the birthday girl need another drink?” A man approached her. A sharply dressed man, in a navy suit and red tie. He hard dark brown hair and tanned skin. 

“Yes, she does.” She smiled and accepted the glass of champagne he offered her. “Thank you.”

He leaned against the railing of the entryway she was standing in. “Enjoying yourself?”

“Trying too.” She admitted. “Parties aren’t my thing.”

“Everyone likes a good party, you’re just not doing them right. Let me help you with that.” He motioned to the dance floor. 

“Alright then.” She smiled and decided to trust the man. “What should I do first.”

“Slam that drink, we’re getting a shot and dancing.” He polished off his champagne and waited for her to follow suit.

If there was anything she was good at it was drinking. She tipped the fragile flute of champagne back and grabbed his hand. He ordered some fancy shot that was an unnatural pink color and tugged her to the middle of the floor. She didn’t do the clubbing thing. She missed out on that phase of her life. The closest she had ever gotten was a mission where she interrupted an illegal weapons deal in a club in London. 

Her history with ballet made her a natural at dancing but not the dancing he led her into. Her hips swayed to the beat of the impossibly loud and rhythmic music. He spun her around and pressed her back against his chest. His hands skimmed over her hips. She ended up having a blast dancing. A few times Sam swung a girl around by her, checking up on her before disappearing into the crowd.   
The music took a turn to song with heavy Latin influence. People scattered from the once crowded floor to find drinks. A few attempted the dance.

“What do you say, can you do this dance?” He asked her. His hand lingered on her hip. 

She smiled, “You lead I’ll catch on quick.” She pushed him towards the center of the floor. He paused before grabbing her hand and pulling her into him. On beat he swung them around. Her feet easily picking up the rhythm. 

His hand pushed her hip out and spun her several times before she fell back into him. The music was fast and the dancing was rather intimate, Natasha had to admit but it was fun. He dipped her backwards and reeled her back in. Her red hair fanning around as she held tightly to him. As the song ended, he whipped her around spinning her quickly as the music faded before catching her.

She smiled and gripped his arms as a few bystanders clapped, several being her friends who looked very impressed. Sam beckoned her over, and she tugged the man with her. Several shots were done. Steve and Sam cut in to dance with her on the dance floor. Tony even took a break from the models that were hanging over him to spin around the floor with her. 

Well after midnight Natasha had lost track of her new friend and leaned against the bar waiting for another champagne. 

“Looking for one of these?” The man sidled up next to her with two glasses of champagne.

“You read my mind.” She lifted one out of his hand.

With drinks in hand they went back to the dance floor and danced for nearly an hour more. It was hot in the room, the close dancing she was doing made her skin sticky. She was drunk and happily so as the crowd sang happy birthday and she buried her head into her new friend’s chest. Several rounds of embarrassing toasts went on for what felt like hours. Steve, Sam and Rhodey getting their digs in at her. Tony adding banter to each speech. The whole time his hands her skimming her sides. 

Natasha looked up at him during a lull in the toasting’s. “What did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t.” He laughed. “James.”

She had almost enough to drink that the name didn’t evoke a response from her. His hand brushed across the exposed skin on her back. She was lost in the feeling. 

He dipped his head down, catching her lips in a brief kiss. Natasha’s back pressed against the bar as she kissed him back. When he pulled away she nodded towards a door. He grabbed a bottle of champagne from behind the bar and followed her out the door. She kept checking to make sure none of her nosey friends were on to her. She led him around the back of the compound her to ground level patio. She scanned her eye and flung the door open. 

He shot the cork out of the bottle and filled two more glasses. She drained the drink quickly and set the glass aside. His hands were on her instantly. The bottle discarded as he back her into the wall. Their kisses we fueled by spontaneity and alcohol. His hands tugged her dress up and yanked her panties off. His lips traveled down her neck as she easily wrapped her legs around his waist. His hips pressed against her, securing her against the wall. His lips moved feverishly against her neck, almost painfully. He shifted as her hands threw his suit jacket off and loosened his tie. In her drunken haste, she popped three buttons off his shirt to reach his skin. His hands fumbled with his belt and zipper before unsheathing himself from his pants.

His hands gripped her thighs tightly as he buried himself in her. “James!” She gasped her eyes fluttering as she saw someone else. 

His hips slammed into her, the pictures on the wall above them tumbled down to the ground. His teeth dragged against her skin as she cried out loudly. Lost in the feeling, As much as she hated to admit it, she had needs. Frustrations that training hard wouldn’t satiate. 

“Yes!” She whimpered, her hands tugging at his dark hair. 

James groaned, “Fuck… Natasha!” He worked into her at a furious pace.

She couldn’t help be vocal as he whirled her off the wall and pressed her onto the bed. The bed dipped under them as he adjusted and rocked into her again. She glued her lips to his and writhed under him. His hands pinned hers above her head as he worked into her faster. Delighted cries escaped her lips, her legs tightened around his hips.

“Come for me, Natasha.” He gasped against her neck.

“James!” She moaned and did exactly what he asked for. She panted under him as he followed her. 

He rolled off her and caught his breath. “Wow…” He commented. 

Natasha tugged her dress back into place and smirked. She reached for the bottle of champagne near the bed. She drank from it passed it to him. She straddled him and smiled. Working his shirt off as he drank from the bottle.

He handed the bottle back and let her drink again while his fingers searched for the zipper on her dress. She dizzily set the bottle down. “Mmm, round two?” He asked.

The rest of the night was a blur. When she woke up she cradled her head. It was throbbing painfully. She was naked and her clothing was strewn all over the floor. She crawled out of bed and searched for leggings and a loose sweater. In the mirror she spotted her tousled hair, and an astonishing amount of hickeys all over her neck and shoulders. She groaned rubbed her neck. One night stand? How classy of her at 31. She leaned down to pick up a picture off the floor and her stomach churned. She bolted for her bathroom and spent the next hour heaving. 

She couldn’t recall ever being this hungover in her life. She remembered almost nothing of the night as she fumbled for painkillers and a water from the mini-fridge in her room. She dug a scarf out of her dresser and wrapped it around her neck. 

She opened the door and padded down the hallway to the large open kitchen area. She needed to eat before her stomach decided to start heaving again. She stared into the refrigerator and lost all will to cook. 

“You’re alive.” Steve commented from a stool on the other side of the marble island.

She hadn’t even seen him, a testament to how awful she felt. She never missed anything. “Jesus!” She gasped and grabbed her pounding heart.

Steve laughed and nudged coffee towards her. As Sam and Tony entered the room with bags of take-out. Greasy food suddenly sounded wonderful. 

“Look what the cat dragged in.” Tony smiled at her, “You’ve seen better days.”

She rolled her eyes which actually hurt to do. She rubbed her head. “I’m never drinking champagne again.”

Steve laughed lightly, “You sure it wasn’t the many shots you did?”

“Shots?” she said in disbelief.

Sam looked amused, “You don’t remember a damn thing do you?”

Tony handed her a burger, “Didn’t think Russians could get black out drunk.”

She was too hungover to even defend herself. She picked at the burger, feeling better the more she ate. “I blame all of you.”

“You had fun, Red.” Stark defended and handed her his phone. A series of pictures showed her just how much fun she had. Dancing. Flirting. Oh the poor guy she flirted with. He didn’t stand a chance. Not with the sinful dress and her skill set of manipulating men. What was his name? Clearly it was a good night, she woke up naked and marked up. Her room in shambles. She half wished she remembered it.

“She sure did...” Same commented.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She quipped. Stealing fries from Steve’s plate. 

Sam smirked, “You know my room is next to yours. Should I repeat what I heard… 5 times last night.”

Natasha blushed. Five times. She hurled a wrapper at Sam and pegged him in the head. Tony laughed, “Way to go, Romanoff.”

Steve, bless him, looked absolutely uncomfortable. “Alright, enough. Clearly she had a good time. Let’s leave it at that.”

Natasha huffed and rubbed her eyes. “I don’t remember anything.”

“Well the poor sap you caught in your web is a New York Senator. James Whitten.” Tony recalled.

James. Natasha ducked her head. Steve looked at her firmly. Both of them knowing how painful of a mistake she made.


	23. Chapter 23

Late 2015 Avengers Compound, Upstate New York. Age 31

After the tragedy in Lagos Natasha had a sinking feeling that she was again on the wrong side. The media painted the Avengers as monsters with no control, no accountability. She agreed now. How was it possible that they operated like this for so long before the government said no more. 

The tension in the room was palpable. She crossed her leg over her knee as the book like document was laying in sight of everyone in a body guards hands. She saw it, and she knew others saw it. From her seat she couldn’t see what it was.

Sam was undecipherable, Wanda noticeably upset by the rolling footage from Lagos. She finally spoke up.

“Enough, Secretary.” She pointed to the screen. The man looked at her blankly before shutting it off. 

The secretary continued. “For four years you’ve operated with seemingly no remorse for the damage you’ve inflicted on the world. Ignoring sovereign boundaries. Destroying at will. You answer to no one. Some would call you heroes, other prefer the term vigilantes.”

“We’ve kept the world safe. That’s why the Avengers were formed.” Steve said firmly.

“Safe at what cost, Mr. Rodgers?” The secretary of State continued. 

“You have a solution I presume.” She said and raised an eyebrow at the man. Meanwhile she was furiously texting Clint updates from the meeting. 

“In two days 117 countries are meeting in Vienna to ratify a solution.” He signaled for the book. The guard dropped it on to the table with a resounding thud. “The Sokovia Accords. Detailing that the Avengers will no longer be a private organization. A U.N. Panel will oversee your operations and when it is deemed fit put you into action.”

The deafening silence following the explanation was uncomfortable. Natasha seemed to be the only one willing to speak, “So that’s it? It’s been decided whether we sign it or not?”

“There is only one right choice, Ms. Romanoff.” The Secretary commented. “It would be wise of all of you to attend the ratification.” He left the room. “I look forward to a phone call within a few hours 

“What if we come to a decision you don’t like?” All eyes were on her. Challenging authority was in her nature. She felt no shame for confronting him. 

“Then you retire. Our friend with enhance capabilities who do not sign will be taken to the Raft.”

When the secretary was gone all hell broke loose. Steve and Tony were arguing audibly. Rhodey and Sam bantered over constitutional rights. Wanda looked close to tears and Vision was silent. 

Natasha stood up and dropped the Accords onto the table from above her head. The testosterone in the room was suffocating. The loud thud effectively silenced everyone.

“Boy’s, as much as I love a good verbal assault, this is not the time.” She pointed out. “He’s expecting a decision now.”

“117 countries want us controlled. The decision is made.” Rhodey stated. 

“That’s not all of the countries. Which ones didn’t approve it. We appeal to them and operate there.” Sam pointed out.

Natasha shook her head. “Are all of you willing to defect to a foreign country? Let me lay it down for you. You’ll be stripped of your identity. Who you were will disappear. New name. New story. New life. There’s no going back. I’ve done it twice, I won’t do it a third time.”

Steve looked betrayed, “You’ve made up your mind.”

Natasha cocked her head, “I didn’t say anything of the sort.”

Sam crossed his arms, “So what do you say?”

“Nothing right now. There’s merit to both sides.”

“How super spy of you.” Rhodey quipped. “It’s black and white, you can’t operate in the grey area you’re so used to. This doesn’t give us a fence to ride.” He held up the Accords. 

“What happens when we sign it and there’s somewhere they send us that we don’t need to go or god forbid, somewhere we need to go and they won’t let us.” Steve countered. “I’m not okay with this call. We sign and give up our right to choose. Our hands are still the best hands to operate with. Simple as that.”

Natasha looked over at Tony who was slouched in a chair. “Your silence is concerning Tony.”

Steve sighed, “He’s already decided.”

Tony sat up and looked quite annoyed. “If we don’t do this now it will be done to us later.” Tony said with a frustrated groan. “We’re in the wrong here. It’s time to make this right.”

Steve was burning a hole in her with his gaze. She flashed him a look that said knock it off. “Tony has a point. If we sign now we can still keep one hand on the wheel and steer. If we wait any longer we won’t have any say when it’s forcibly done to us.”

Sam laughed, “That’s rich coming from the international assassin who told the United States government to kiss her ass in D.C. a few years ago.”

She narrowed her eyes, “I have no problem speaking my mind. You can’t make me feel bad for it. I don’t have feelings you can hurt, Sam.”

Steve glanced at his phone and stood up. “I’m done here.”

Tony rolled his eyes and took off in the direction of his office. Natasha took off after Steve. His room was empty. He was gone. 

\---

News of Peggy’s death spread throughout the compound the next day. Natasha knew how deeply important Peggy was to Steve and that explained his sudden exit. She took a Quinjet to London in time for the funeral. She waited until the end and approached Steve who sat alone in the church pew.

“Stark send you to get me on board?” He asked sullenly.

She slid in next to him and crossed her leg at the knee. “You think so lowly of me that I’d come here to get an answer from you.”

He huffed and hung his head. “I’m sorry.”

She took his hand and squeezed it. “I know how important she was to you. I didn’t want you to be alone. Not today. I know exactly how you feel.”

He squeezed her hand back. How could he have forgotten that Natasha loved James and for 12 years she thought him dead. The love of her life gone. Peggy didn’t remember much of him. Her memory failing, but his love for her was still there. Natasha thought it was much worse that Steve remembered and Peggy died. It was easier for her to know James didn’t remember when she figured he was dead. 

Natasha sat with him for hours in the church, doing nothing more than holding his hand. Once Steve broke down and she held onto him. After a while Steve got up and motioned for to follow. 

“Who signed it?” He asked at she stepped out into the lobby of the church.

“Tony, Rhodey, and Vision.” 

“Wanda?”

“To be determined.”

“Clint?”

She sighed, “Retired.” She was sad about that. “Old man.”

“What did Sam do?” He asked.

“You know he’ll do whatever you do.” She pointed out.

“What about you?” He asked.

“I’m going to Vienna for the signing. I signed, but I don’t like it.” She breathed. “It’s the path of least resistance. There’s room on the jet, you can come with me.”

“You know I can’t sign it.”

“I know… Thought I’d give it a shot.”


	24. Chapter 24

U.N. Confererence. Vienna.

Natasha walked into the large conference room. Rows of dignitaries sitting, conversing in the celebration of success. She tucked her silk blouse into her pencil skirt as a tall man approached her.

“Ms. Romanoff.” He said with a heavy accent.

“T’challa.” She nodded knowing him as the Wakandan prince.

“It seems that neither of us like the spotlight.” He pointed out her nervously spinning a ring on her finger.

She was aware of the eyes on her. The sole representative at the Accords. Tony came but found himself wrapped up in business and bailed on the meeting. Many people in the room knew her past. Knew the awful, horrific things she did in the name of Russia. Their distrust in her was palpable. 

“Certainly, the spotlight casts a harsh light.” She breathed.

“Given your last appearance on Capitol Hill I would assume you’d not be here. It must feel uncomfortable.” T’challa replied.

“You saw that, huh?” She thinned her lips. “A little uncomfortability isn’t the worst thing I’ve endured.”

He nodded like he knew every detail of her past. “I understand. I too am uncomfortable.”

She looked up a him, “You don’t support this?”

He looked around, “The Accords, yes. The politics, no. Two people in a room can get far more done than 100. This is not necessary. It is political. That alone makes me uncomfortable.”

Natasha understood. Politicians were her least favorite people. They were so easily swayed and manipulated. She had killed enough of the dirty ones, and as she suspected, a bunch of the good one because Russia was threatened. 

A voice echoed throughout the room and Natasha took her seat in the second row. How did she end up here, a representative neck deep in politics. It unnerved her to pretend to be so righteous. She didn’t know how she felt about this playing nice, when she wholeheartedly wanted to tell them to kiss her ass like she did in D.C. Perhaps she was growing up. 

T’challa shouted for everyone to get down and the explosion was instant. She dove to protect the man next to her, a delegate from Scotland. Glass shattered and sprayed everywhere. Fire erupted in the room. Agent mode kicked in. She scrambled to her feet knocking debris off of herself. She tugged those who were alive out of the wreckage and pointed them towards the exits. Her head pounded and her senses were dulled from the blast but it didn’t effect her ability to help others.

The building was cleared in 10 minutes. Fire and rescue took over. She stood outside the building listening to a report do a live report naming a suspect and claming there was footage. A name she didn’t expect. James Buchanan Barnes.

The wind was knocked out of her as she reached for a her phone. She pulled it out and saw it was already ringing. The person she wanted to call was calling her.

“Steve..”

“Are you okay?” He asked quickly.

“I’m fine.. I got lucky. Do you hear… They’re saying it’s James.” Her voice wavered. A siren blared behind her. It echoed in his phone. Steve was here. 

She stood up and looked around. “Steve… Whatever you’re doing you need to stop.”

“Someone has to help.” Steve replied simply.

“Yeah, that person is not you. If you interfere…”

“What, you’ll arrest me?” He said quickly.

She huffed, “No… I won’t.. But someone else will. That how this works now. You didn’t sign you are retired. You’ll only make this worse. Let the U.N. handle this.” She breathed.

“I’m making a different call.” Steve said shortly and hung up. 

She grimaced and looked at her phone. Tony was calling her. She didn’t have time to deal with him but picked it up anyway. “Hey.”

Tony sounded like he was in the middle of something. The background noise was deafening. “No one had eyes on you. Wasn’t sure you got out.”

She locked her emotions away and laughed, “Oh, Tony.. Would you have missed me?”

“Possibly. Sending you a location. Meet me. Rhodey is here too.”

“On my way.”

\---  
Berlin

Natasha hurried up the stairs to the conference room of the consulate in Berlin. After the all out brawl between James, Steve, Sam, T’challa and Rhodey in the streets. They were forced out of public.

She cast her eyes on Steve who looked somewhat optimistic of about the situation. Tony however was furious. Her heeled boots alerted everyone to her arrival. Out of the stuffy skirts and blouses she had been wearing, her trusted leggings, thigh holster and leather jacket were comforting. 

She was pissed at Steve, “For the record this is what making things worse looks like.”

“I did what I had to.” Steve countered.

James was 1,000 feet below ground in a glass case that Natasha was sure could withstand a nuclear meltdown. She stepped closer to him, “How is this any better. Do you see what they have him in?” She pointed to the screen.

“When do I get my shield back?” Steve asked Tony.

“You’re not. You and Wilson are being prosecuted.” Tony quipped. “Congrats, you’re criminals now.”

Steve looked at Natasha like he didn’t understand. She raised her eyes, “Shield and wings belong to the government now.”

She headed off to T’challa, informing him that he would be sent back to Wakanda in the wake of the mess they made. Hours later she paced in the halls, having watched Steve and Tony have a huge blow out. She glued her eyes to the screen and watch each unsuccessful interrogation of James. No one was getting information out of him. Now a psychologist was coming in. Sam and Steve appeared next to her. 

“Okay super spy, tell me you can read lips.” Sam commented quietly.

“I can…” She breathed, watching James talk. 

“What are they asking him?”

“He just keeps saying, he’s Bucky.” She looked at Steve.

Steve pushed her towards the stairwell. “Tony’s gonna know where gone.”

“I don’t care.” Steve replied. They descended down hundreds of stairs. Natasha picked up on voices as they crouched in the shadows of the room where James was being interrogated. The lights shut off and she stepped forward. Steve’s hand gripped her wrist as they waited. 

“I’m Bucky.” James repeated again. Oh his voice. Nastasha heard him. How he sounded in her dreams. The way she remembered him. 

“We only have to talk about one thing, James.” The man removed a red booklet.

He started speaking in Russian. “Natasha.. whats he saying.”

Natasha listened carefully.

“Zhelaniye!” he shouted. Natasha whispered, “Longing.”

“Rzhavyy!” He commanded. James groaned. “Rusted.” Natasha watched the absolute terror on James’ face.

“Semnadtsat!” He growled as James screamed, wrenching his hands from the restraints. “Seventeen.” Her fingers pressed into Steve’s chest. Pushing him back. They were already dangerously close to being discovered. 

“Rassvet!” “Pech!” “Devyat!” He said in quick succession. Natasha furrowed her brows, “Daybreak, furnace, nine.” James was screaming, his metal fist pounding into the glass.

“Dobroserdechnyy! Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu!” The door burst open from the containment cell. James slammed his metal hand into the floor and panted.

“Benign… Homecoming.” Natasha stepped forward and watched the James she knew melt away. He was the soldier again. Those words were his triggers.

“Soldat.” The psychologist smiled.

“Soldier…” she whispered to the men behind her.

James lifted his head. From her spot she saw the blankness in his eyes. “Gotov k vypolneniyu!”

Her heart hammered, “Ready to comply.”  
Power surged through the lights and the bulbs exploded. In the chaos James took off. 

Sam took off first, Steve grabbed her. “You need to go.”

“Like hell I will, Rodgers.” She breathed and stared up the stairs.

“No. Listen. You need to play both sides. I know you want to save him. Let me do that. You need to keep Stark close.”

“I don’t do the betrayal games anymore.” She wrenched her arm free and sprinted up the stairs. She knew Steve was right but she didn’t want to pay both sides. 

“Natasha!” Steve shouted as he caught up.

“You’ll be in the loop. You can play the field better than anyone else. Stark is a genius and even he can’t figure you out. Please..” Steve grabbed her arms. “I can bring him in. I can get him back. Give me a chance, I need your help.”

“What’s in it for me?”

“Are you kidding? He remembered me. He’s going to rememeber you. You get your happy ending.” He said firmly.

“With a wanted criminal.” She retorted. Most of her believed her James was gone for good.

“He didn’t do it. I know it. Trust me.”

She looked up at Steve for a while. “Fine.”

“Go find Stark!” He pushed her up the stairs.

Finding Tony was easy. He was in the midst of a show down. James was taking on Sharon Carter. 

“Hope you brought a suit!” Natasha charged past Tony.

“Yeah A nice Tom Ford 3 piece!” He huffed and moved to help Sharon who had been thrown to the ground. 

Natasha lauched herself off a table and onto James’ shoulders. She slammed her elbow into his head, trying like hell to break the hold those words had on him. He slammed her into a table and gripped her throat.

She kicked her legs, trying to pry his hand off her throat. She gasped, “The least you can do is remember me!” James only squeezed harder. Natasha worried that enticing him with her words was probably the stupidest thing she could have done. 

T’challa dropped from the floor above them and knocked James off her. She rolled away and gasped. In a fury of movement, James and T’Challa were gone.

Tony whipped out his phone, “Barnes is gone.” He shouted at someone on the other end.

Sharon was looking at her phone and spotted Natasha rubbing her throat. “You need to distract Stark..”

“Why?” Natasha hissed.

Sharon showed her a message, from Steve’s number. –Need shield and wings. Get Nat to help.-

She nodded and turned away, “Tony…” She said numbly. Her best acting skills on display. She wobbled a little.

Tony approached her as she dropped. Pretending to faint. It was the distraction Sharon needed. Tony called a medic quickly. She was hurt once the medic arrived, her throat bruised painfully and her vocal chords swollen from the choking.

Hours later, Natasha was sitting in the conference room in the Berlin consulate. Her phone buzzed as she watched Tony juggle phone calls. She saw both sides. No wonder why Steve asked her to play the field. Tony was doing everything in his power to keep the Avengers together. She respected him for that. Steve was ripping everyone apart. 

Steve texted her, -Thanks for the distraction-

She huffed and fired back, -Where’s my update?-

It was nearly a half hour later when she got her reply. –We need to get a Quinjet. Know where Stark’s is?-  
She groaned and made quick work of hacking Tony’s email. She found several for a hanger at the airport.

She texted back, -Flughafen Leipzig-Halle airport. Hanger 5. Where are you going? Why?-

Steve replied quickly, -He’s back. It wasn’t him. He was framed. The psychiatrist wants to know about Siberia. That’s where the 5 other winter soldiers are.-

Natasha rubbed her face. Someone had figured out how to make more winter soldiers. One was enough. 5 was a catastrophe.


	25. Chapter 25

Leipzig-Halle Airport

Natasha took her chance and charged towards the hangar during the fight. It was a mess of epic proportions and she only cared about one thing. James. Not Tony’s agenda or Steve’s. 

She guarded the Quinjet. Or that’s what she told Tony. Steve arrived first, James hot on his heels. Natasha bounded forward and lowered the gate to the jet. “It’s all ready to go.” She said to Steve but only looked at James.

He was staring at her. Like he knew her but couldn’t place exactly where. “Hey soldier.” She smiled. She had thought of many things to say to him once she saw him again. But hey soldier as not one she had planned on.

“Natasha!” Steve shouted a T’challa left over the rubble and charged for James. 

She pushed James away and tackled T’challa. Kicking his backwards a few feet before popping back up and charging her widows bites. T’challa gathered himself and waited. 

“Natasha?” James said suddenly. Sweet relief washed over her. The recognition in his voice. 

She fired at T’challa, stunning him quickly. She hurled around. Her red hair flying. “Go!” She shouted. T’challa got back up, she fired again.

James stepped forward. “Is it you?”

Stupid tears blossomed in her eyes. “Yes.” She gasped, firing again. She had one charge left. How unfair was it that he needed to go now that he remembered her. 

“Steve! I have one charge left. You’ve gotta go!” She stared at James.

Steve grabbed James and tugged him toward the jet. In a second they were airborn. She stunned T’challa again and turned her eyes towards him. 

“I said I’d help you find him.. not capture him. There’s a difference.”

When everything was over, Natasha sat outside the room where Rhodey was being tended to. She stood by Tony near a window.

“It’s bad.” Tony commented.

“If we don’t stop… Rhodey is going to be the best case scenario. We’ll all kill each other.” She replied.

“You let them go!” Tony said angrily. 

She raised an eyebrow. “We’re in the wrong. I did what’s right. You need to see that.”

Tony crossed his arms and shook his head. “God, the double agent thing must be hard to shake. Runs in the blood.” He said firmly.

Natasha narrowed her eyes, “Outside of that suit you are all talk and mean words. Words stopped hurting me at 11 years old.” She moved away intent on leaving.

“T’challa told Ross what you did. They’re coming for you.” Tony fired back at her.

“I’m not the one who needs to watch their back.” The pit in her stomach started to ache. She ran from the hospital and pulled out her phone. 

-Steve, I need a way out of here. They’re coming for me. Finish up business in Siberia and come get me.-

Hours later, she got a reply. She was speeding down an interstate in a car she stole. –Siberia is done. Where are you? Someone keeps asking about ‘that redhead in the catsuit’.-

She sent her location to Steve. 10 minutes later she got another text, -Abandon the car-

She drove the car off the highway and fished a leather bag out of the car. The Quinjet touched down as she ran to it. Inside she was surprised to see T’challa.

“T’challa…” She said in surprise. “No hard feelings right?”

The prince nodded, “I now know why you did it. Thanks to Captain Rodgers.”

James was sitting on the ground. He and Steve looked worse for the wear. Bruised, bloodied and broken. She spotted the frazzled remains of James’ robotic arm.

Steve wrapped Natasha in a hug. “Thank you for doing what I asked.” 

She sighed. “Don’t worry about it. It’s still what I do best.” Patted his back.

Steve leaned closer to her ear. “He goes in and out of remembering you. Don’t be alarmed if it doesn’t last. T’challa said his sister can help get the HYDRA programming out of his head. That should help him out.”

She let go of Steve who went back to flying the jet. T’challa didn’t want to intrude and went up to the front as well.

Natasha knelt down by James. “Heard you were asking about me.” She smiled.

He looked at her for a second, the recognition gone from before. “What’s your name again?” His hand reached out and touched her red hair seeming to recognize that part of her.

She sighed and looked up at him. So much of his had changed. His hair was long, his face was scruffy with hair. Nothing like the boy she fell in love with. He was a man now. She gently touched his face, “You’ll remember soon enough.”

It was like a light switch going on and off. With a sharp intake of breath, it was back. “Tasha…” James breathed. 

Her eyes instantly watered. She launched herself forward, wrapping her arms around him. “Oh my god… I’ve missed you.” 

He wrapped his one arm around her his face buried in her hair. His scent, the tight grip on her, the way his breathing seemed family it felt like coming home. Just like he promised it would all those years ago.

“Why did you take so long..” She sniffled and hung on to him tighter. 

“I’d say the same for you Tasha..” His lips pressed against her forehead.

“You’re never leaving me again, got it.” She breathed. Her eyes looking up at him.

“Yes, ma’am.” She smirked and pecked her lips quickly.

Quickly wasn’t enough. She brushed her lips against his again. James’ hand slid behind her neck and crushed her lips to his. It was desperate the way they kissed, like it would make up for lost time.

“Hey… Hey.. Do I need to get the hose out?” Steve laughed as Natasha straddled his lap.

“If you don’t like it then stop looking, Rodgers.” Natasha said between kisses with a wild smile on her lips.


	26. Chapter 26

2016\. Wakanda. Age 32

Natasha had thought she had seen it all. Wakanda was like nothing she had ever seen. Above everything she was grateful for the hospitality shown by T’challa towards Steve, James and herself. In the events of what everyone called the Clash of the Avengers, she was on the run. 

Steve had left the Avengers to Tony. Between here and Steve they had a more important mission. Fixing James.

Shuri was a pintsized genius. Natasha spent hours in the girl’s lab watching her work and helping where she could. James had the remnants of his old arm removed. For everyone’s safety James was kept in cryostasis until his brain could be trusted.

Natasha came down to the lab often just to check up on James.

“What’s the deal with him and you?” Shuri asked one day as she used an advanced tech to extract HYDRA’s programming from his brain. It was minute work that had taken her nearly a month.

“I’m just interested in what you’re doing.” Natasha was perched in a chair, her legs tucked under her as she watched.

“Sure, you are.” Shuri smirked. “I know Captain Rodgers is his best friend. And he visits half as much as you do.”

She had Natasha there. “I love him.” She admitted. 

Shuri smiled, “Are you ‘Tasha” then?”

Natasha turned toward the girl. Every since she had landed everyone called her Ms. Romanoff. She wasn’t sure anyone knew her first name. “Yes, why?”

“I woke him up the other day. I needed to get an updated read on his neurological functions. He kept asking for Tasha.”

Natasha smiled and looked at Shuri, “The functions were good right?”

“He’ll make a full recovery, Ms. Romanoff. I’m very good at what I do. There’s nothing I can’t fix.” Shuri said confidently.

Nothing… She repeated in her head. Something popping up on her mind.

“You and him were under KGB control right?” Shuri asked after a while. Everyone had access to her past now that she dumped it on the internet all those years ago.

“Yes.” She nodded. “They did horrible things to him.”

Shuri nodded in agreement, “Not as awful as what they did to the girls like you.”

Natasha felt her throat constrict. The young girl had a point. Natasha crossed her arms, “It was necessary.” Natasha said so indifferently. “I didn’t know that back then. I know it now.” Lately more than anything she thought about children. What it would be like to have them, have them grow up knowing Clint’s children. 

“I’m sorry they did that to you.” Shuri said solemnly.

“Don’t be, Shuri.” Natasha reminded quickly. “I can’t miss something I can’t have.”

Shuri looked like she had more to say. “Do you know how they sterilized you?” 

Natasha grimaced. She really didn’t want to talk about it. “I’m not sure. When the girls graduated, we were given a sedative. I only remember being taken to the surgical room.” She watched Shuri finish working on James and set her tablet down.

Natasha sat up straighter, “Is he all finished?”

Shuri smiled, “All done. I’m going to reverse the cryostasis. It could be a day or two before he wakes up. He’s been under a while.”

Natasha stepped out of the way as Shuri and her team removed James from the chamber and settled him on a table. The team disappeared and Shuri hurried off to another side of the lab.

Natasha leaned against the table, her hand placed gently over his. His skin was slightly cold. She pressed her lips against his chilled fingers. “When you wake up we’re going to get out of here. I think it’s high time we start our lives together. We’ll go somewhere. Find a house, get a dog. No more running.” Her free hand brushed through his long hair. 

Since the events of last year she had enjoyed not running around saving the world. The brief glimpse of freedom she had was inviting. 

Shuri returned a minute later. Natasha sat up and looked at the girl. “Is everything alright?”

“Oh, yes, he’s doing fine. I actually wanted to ask something of you.” Shuri set her tablet down.

Natasha lifted her head, “What is it?” 

Shuri pointed to a machine to her left. “It’s a scanner. The most advanced of its kind. It scans everything you can possibly think of down to the smallest cells. The information it gives is unfathomable. When I use it, the data I receive gives me a blue print on how to fix what is wrong with someone. It’s how I fixed James, and several others over the years. Would you mind letting me scan you?”

 

Natasha frowned, “There’s nothing wrong with me, Shuri.” She knew one thing that was, but why bother to get hope up over that.

Shuri shifted solemnly, “Ms. Romanoff, I think I can reverse what those doctors did to you all those years ago. I’ve never tried to fix something like that. If you want me to try, I’d gladly help you. If that’s something you’d like to have back.”

She never really considered the possibility that she could take back what the Red Room took from her. “14 years ago.. can what you do really reverse something that’s been around for 14 years?” She said in disbelief. 

“It’s worth a shot. I’ve never tried to fix something like this but I’m almost always successful.” Shuri said confidently.

“Okay then.” Natasha stood up. 

Over the next few days Natasha spent a lot of time in the lab with Shuri. James was still asleep. Which had been concerning to Natasha several times before Shuri explained that she had done some major work on his brain and his body needed to heal from it. Shuri had her hooked up to hundreds of devices and things that gave her information about Natasha. It was fascinating. Until one day Shuri approached her with a large needle.

“What is that?” Natasha asked quickly. She had a general mistrust of needles from her days in the Red Room. 

“Nanites.” Shuri pointed to the purple serum in the syringe. “I’m thinking these will repair the damage done to you. I think it would have been easier to reverse had the doctors done a standard procedure. For lack of a better word... their sterilization is essentially mutilation. There’s a lot of scar tissue. These will regenerate healthy tissue in the area.”

“Do you think it will work?” Natasha asked quietly. She had taken an indifferent approach to the whole situation. She guarded herself in the event that Shuri would reveal nothing could be done to fix her.

“I’m very hopeful. These nanites have repaired paralysis, and extreme trauma.” Shuri uncapped the syringe. “All I need is your arm.”

Natasha stuck out her arm, and watched Shuri plunged the needle into a larger vein. The serum stung a little, nothing that she couldn’t handle. 

“You’re probably going to feel tired. The nanites boost your body’s systems into overdrive for healing. It’s hard work. I’d suggest you go lay down for a while. I’ll send for you tomorrow to check up.”

Natasha nodded and headed for her quaint room inside the main building T’challa and the other Wakandan leaders lived in. Once in bed she suddenly felt much more tired than usual. She crashed hard, her eyes falling shut as soon as she settled in the pillows. Hours later she felt the bed dip behind her. A hand slipped over her side and pulled her in tight against a warm chest.   
“Tasha..” A familiar voice whispered.

She blinked quickly and rolled over. “James.” She smiled. His hand slipped behind her head and kissed her softly. 

She pulled from the kiss only when it was absolutely necessary that she breathe. “When did you wake up?” She asked quickly.

“A few hours ago. Steve said you were sleeping. He and I talked for a long time.” James brushed his fingers through her hair. 

“You remember him?” She asked quietly.

“Everything.” He smiled and kissed her forehead.

“And what about me… Do you remember me?”

“It’s patchy… There’s so many holes.”

“There’s a lot of holes in our past, James. Years where we didn’t see each other. They wiped your memory all those years ago... Do you remember us in Russia?” She fought to keep her eyes open and rested her cheek against his chest.

James traced his hand down her spine, “I remember that they took you away from me. Why? I remember that I loved you so much, and then you were gone.”

Natasha held onto him tighter, “They found out about us. They were so angry with me, but I protected you for as long as I could…You got the worst punishment. They reset your memory.” His hand clasped hers.

“What did we do that was so wrong?” His dark brows were furrowed. 

“We deceived them. Broke all of the rules. James… I was pregnant before my graduation. They found out.”

He looked down at her and stilled. “We were so young..” He said after while.

“Young and dumb.” She sighed. 

“I’m sorry it took so long to get back to you.” He admitted. 

“Don’t be… I saw you a few times over the years. You didn’t remember me but I remembered you.” She looked up at him.

“I remember the awful things I did to you.” He breathed.

“Shh… That wasn’t you.” She said firmly. “You aren’t responsible for those actions. I can take it, I’m still standing.” She leaned on her elbow to get a better look at him. 

His hand cupped her cheek, “I can’t believe this…” He breathed staring at her face.

“What?” She murmured.

“I thought I loved you then… it’s nothing to what I feel now.” His thumb brushed her lips. “You take my breath away. Steve told me about who you’ve become. The things you’ve done. You blew my mind all those years ago and now I can’t fathom the things you’ve done. You’re astonishing, Natasha.”

She smiled, “I love you, James Barnes. Always have. Always will.” She leaned up and kissed him again. His hands brushed up her hips, pushing her tank top up. Natasha settled over him, straddling his lap. His fingers skimmed over every inch of skin he could reach. She had changed so much, transformed into a magnificent woman. 

He rolled her over, pressing her into the bed. In a swift movement he was standing up, the lights turned on. 

“What are you doing...” She huffed and laid back on her elbows.

James smiled and tugged her towards the edge of the bed. “Let me see you.” He smiled and pulled her onto her feet.

She huffed, she must have looked a sight in her slouchy sweatpants, tank top, and sports bra. She put her hand on her hip and looked up at him. James’ hands were all over her. Tracing the curve of her breast, the edge of her hip, the flat planes of her stomach. Life had changed her from the girl he knew. Her hair was lighter, shorter than he remembered. 

James dropped to his knees, his lips pressed against her stomach as he inched her sweatpants down.

“James get up..” She smirked as she stepped out of the sweatpants. 

She swept her up and pressed her on the bed, his lips against her neck. “God.. You’re beautiful, Tasha.”

She wrapped her legs around his hips and smiled, “Stop flattering me. I’m not some girl you have to charm into bed.” She laughed. 

James smiled against her shoulder, “Mmmm… But I’ve missed out on….” He looked puzzled, “How long has it been?”

She fixed her gaze on the new arm they had fitted him with many weeks ago when he was still in cryostasis. “14 years…”

He groaned, “14 years without you or your touch. I can hardly bear it, I want to rip these clothes off you. How can you stand it? I know you, Tasha. You’re more impulsive than I am.”

She suddenly felt awful for her many indiscretions. She hadn’t waited. She shook her head, “James… Are you cleared to be doing this? They worked on you for so long. I feel like you need to take it easy.” She didn’t know what to say to defend herself, so a change of subject seemed like the best route to go.

James knew what she was doing. He stiffened and pushed back, breaking away from her embrace. “You didn’t wait for me.” He said softly in disbelief. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but did we promise? No matter where we went, how far, or how long, it would be like coming home.”

He was right, shame washed over her before anger quickly followed. She grabbed her sweatpants off the floor and tugged them on. “You do not get to be angry at me for that.” She brushed her hair out of her face. He sat on the bed as she crossed her arms. 

“Angry isn’t the word I’d use, Natasha. Disappointed. Betrayed.” His hands clenched, the vein in the side of his head pulsed.

She shook her head quickly, “No. Stop this right now. You disappeared without a trace. I tried for years to find you and came up empty. All traces pointed to you being dead. I did what I had to to survive. Until 8 years ago I thought you dead, but I didn’t stop loving you. Until you showed up in Odessa and shot the person I was guarding through me.” She lifted her shirt to prove the point. The scar on her stomach the never healed. 

He opened his mouth to fire back, but she held up her hand, “I’m not done.” She breathed, “After you shot me, and I discovered you were alive, I still loved you. That’s messed up. Loving someone who shot you, not just once, but twice.” She tugged her sports bra to the side. The scar on her shoulder present. “I loved you despite it all, and I made mistakes to cope with how that made me feel. I felt awful about them. I am not proud of it, but don’t you dare treat me like I didn’t wait for you!”

She knew she shouldn’t engage him like this. It wasn’t wise when he had just woken up. “So it was many men, then?”

She rubbed her face. She had slept her way through Brazil. Asher… The other James that she booty-called for nearly a year after her party. James got up and headed for the door. Natasha swiftly grabbed his shirt. “Are you kidding me right now? You’re leaving?” She said incredulously.

He slammed his new hand into the wall. The material denting and crumbling under it. She flinched and grasped his shirt harder. “James.. Seriously. They meant nothing, why is it such a big deal?”

He panted, his real hand balled in rage. He was not himself. Natasha glanced at her dresser, her widow’s bites and taser discs were in the top drawer. He wasn’t in control. She had dangerously egged him on before realizing her mistake. 

“James… Listen to me. Just breathe.” She said softly. He gently unclenched his shirt, trying to inch towards her dresser. 

He started screaming, his fists slamming into the wall. His human hand bloodied by the material. She dashed for the dresser digging into the top drawer. His body slammed into hers. She coughed as she tumbled to the floor. She was in a world of trouble now. He was out of control, and the most awful thought popped into her head. If Shuri had done this right he wouldn’t have been like this. She knew one thing she could do. 

She scrambled her to feet after kicking him off her. 

“Zhelaniye! Rzhavyy! Semnadtsat!” She gasped and the effects were instantaneous. He bent over on the floor. Cradling his head as he fought the words. She had to continue or he’d only end up hurting himself or her. “Rassvet! Pech! Devyat!” 

James was screaming, begging her to stop. “No! Please, don’t do this..” He yelled.

Tears blossomed in her eyes as she looked away. “Dobroserdechnyy! Vozvrashcheniye na rodinu!” She finished, watching a calm spread over him as he staggered to his feet. The door burst open behind him. Steve, T’challa and several others stood in the door way. What a sight it must have been. James bleeding, her crying and a wreckage of things on the floor.

She waved them off as James stared at her, not her James anymore. He was in soldier mode.

“Soldat?” She breathed quickly, tears running down her cheeks as she motioned for Steve to stop moving. He had continued into the room, his face full of concern.

“Gotov k vypolneniyu!” He said quickly after she acknowledged him. Her hart hammering in her chest. Ready to comply. Her evil thought had worked. The work Shuri had done didn’t quite fix him. He could still be controlled by the awful words. She was a monster for using them on him.

“Natasha..” Steve barked.

She scowled at him and T’challa pulled Steve away.

“Soldat, sleduy za mnoy. Vy ne povredite sebe ili komu-libo yeshche. Ponyal?” She said quickly. (“Soldier, you will not hurt yourself or anyone else. Understood?”)

“Da.” James said simply and watched her. She motioned for the others to move as she led James back to Shuri’s lab. The others were silent as Natasha approached the cryostasis chamber and opened it. James stood by waiting for his next instruction. 

“vnutri soldat.” She said swiftly and pointed. (“inside soldier.”) James followed without pause. Stepping into the chamber. She shut it and her hand hovered by the button she needed to press.

A hand pressed against her back, and pressed the button for her. She ducked her head away as T’challa did what needed to be done. 

“Shuri..” T’challa pointed to the cyrostasis chamber. “You have work to do.”

“Nat, what the hell happened?” Steve spoke up as she wiped at her eyes. 

“He lost control.” She breathed, “How did this happen?” She rounded on Shuri.

Shuri shoo her head, “He woke up and I told him he had to wait while I ran some tests. I turned my back for one second and he was gone.”

Natasha nodded and looked to Steve. “He went to you first.”

Steve was pacing, “He was fine with me. What did you say to him besides the trigger words?”

She shook her head, “Stop demonizing me, I did what I had to. He was going to hurt himself. I did it because I love him and he was suffering.”

T’challa intervened, “Ms. Romanoff, how long was it before he lost control. That would be helpful for Shuri to know.”

She rubbed her face, “He was fine when he woke me up. He got more agitated when he realized how much time has passed. 15 minutes perhaps.” She sighed.

T’challa nodded, “I think Shuri and I can handle it from here.”

Natasha cast one more glance at James in the chamber. She stalked out of the lab and heard Steve following her.

“Nat.” He said as she rushed up the stairs two at a time. She couldn’t out run him if she tried. 

She heard him pick up his pace. “Rodgers, leave me alone. I’m exhausted.”

Steve bounded ahead of her and blocked her path. She stopped and looked up at him. “What? Are you going to harass me some more?”

“You don’t understand what it looked like.”

“I know exactly what it looked like. Do you think it was easy making that choice? I’ve done some awful things Steve, but this almost takes the cake.” She grimaced. “He was in pain. Something didn’t go right. It was the only way I could think of to get him to stop. Hate me for it if you must.”

Steve listened and shook his head. “I heard the screaming and so did T’challa. Once we decided to intervene…”

She frowned, “What is that supposed to mean?”

Steve looked away, “Well.. for a while the noise didn’t sound like the kind of noise we should interrupt.”

Natasha instantly blushed, “Jesus…”

“James was eager to see you and I didn’t want to interrupt anything. It wasn’t until I heard the Russian that I knew something was up. Plus they were all looking for him. I didn’t know that he snuck off. I thought he was released, until T’challa came to my room. I guess they knocked on yours first but you didn’t answer. Why were you sleeping in the middle of the day?” Steve asked as she brushed by him and approached her room.

She sighed as she looked at the state of her room. She just wanted to go back to sleep. “It’s a long story.”

Steve shut her door, “Come crash in my room then. You don’t have to deal with the mess now.”

She took him up on the offer and headed to his room across the hall. She crawled into his bed as he turned the tv on and flopped down. “What’s this long story about?”

She shut her eyes and breathed slowly, “I’m taking back something that was taken from me. Shuri has a hunch that she can reverse what the Red Room did to me.”

Steve looked over at her, “What did they do to you?” He never knew exactly what they did to her. Just that she was traumatized from it.

“Sterilization. A botched one at that.” She hugged a pillow closer to herself. “Don’t say you’re sorry. Because everyone says that..”

“You think the kid can fix that?” Steve said after a moment.

“I hope so… I’m afraid to really admit that I want it to be fixed so badly.” She had been so hopeful when James seemed to be okay. For a few moments she let herself imagine everything she wanted. Kids. A big house. Forever with him. 

Steve laughed a little. “I can see it, you know.”

She sighed, “See what?”

“You and James. A ton of kids. Some big, happy house. He told me when we were young that he wanted to find a girl who wanted a big family.”

She smiled and felt her breath catch in her chest. “I want a whole bunch of kids. So many that it’ll never be quiet. It’ll be loud and chaotic, but they’ll be so loved.”

“It’s gonna work out Nat.” Steve stuck his hands under his head. “I need to see James wrangle all these strong-willed children you’ll have. Expert negotiators by 5, fluent in Russian before they’re born.”

Natasha laughed sleepily, “With his kind heart, and hopefully his sense of humor.”

Steve patted her shoulder, “Sleep. I’ll check on him while you’re out.”

 

Natasha woke up woke up the next day, having figured that out after much confusion. She had slept almost a full day. Shuri didn’t lie about the nanite serum possibly making her tired. She went to her own room, finding that it was cleaned up for her. 

She headed down to the lab dressed in her standard boots and leggings. Shuri seemed excited to see her.

“I have some good news.” Shuri commented as Natasha passed by the chamber James was in. She let her eyes linger on him for a few moments. 

“Out with it.” She said quickly.

“The first procedure wiped out the HYDRA control, but what I hadn’t anticipated was the trigger words still having an effect on him. It’s very surprising that you were able to use them and illicit the same response from him. I’ve wiped out the connections to the words and those reactions now. Now he could hear those words and they’ll mean nothing to him. I’ve triple checked the work. He’ll be ready to come out in an hour.” Shuri was manipulating a 3D scan in the air as she talked.

“When I was talking to him he became uncharacteristically upset over something. Was that a side effect?” She asked quickly.

“He’ll experience some confusion and spikes in emotions as his brain and body wake up from cryostasis and the procedures I’ve done. I’m going to make sure he’s monitored for a day at least when he wakes up later.” She pressed the button to release the cryostasis.

She went over to the chamber and opened the glass, releasing the cold into the lab. She gently touched his chest as he breathed slowly. His muscles reacting to her touch. “I’m sorry…” She whispered feeling incredibly guilty for the actions she had to take to keep him safe. Most of it was an apology for not waiting for him. She was better than that, selfish in her behavior while she knew he was alive. She shouldn’t have abandoned hope so easily. “I’m so sorry, James…”

She squeezed his hand and stared at a monitor that detailed his heartbeat. It was picking up slowly. “When we get you all sorted out, I have big plans for us.” She breathed with a small smile. Her hand traced over his. “Wake up...” She whispered. She watched his eyes move beneath his lids. 

Several minutes passed before a loud noise near Shuri startled her. The girl had been working diligently, giving Natasha privacy to talk to James. 

“The talking helps him.” Shuri said with an apologetic look as she hooked up a new instrument Natasha hadn’t seen before. 

Natasha glanced at her, “It does?”

Shuri pointed to a monitor. “These are his brainwaves when it’s silent. When you talk to him they’re all over the place.” 

The two monitors were starkly different. Natasha smiled brightly, “That’s amazing.”

“Captain Rodgers talks to him too, but it’s not nearly as huge of a response as yours.” Shuri motioned for her to join her. “Can I check on the nanites?”

“Oh… Sure.” Natasha hopped up onto the bed and laid back after Shuri motioned for her to do so. 

“This is a full body scanner. It’ll show me everything the nanites have healed. You can watch the screen. The nanites will show up in bright purple on the body outline.” A large mechanical arm swept over her body several times. After three or four passes Natasha saw purple patches in her shoulder and obviously her womb. She hadn’t thought about the shoulder that constantly bugged her now. The scar tissue from the bullet wound had limited her range of motion, and generally ached. 

Shuri tapped a few screens and then shut everything down. “Well there’s only one way to know if it worked.” She concluded.

Natasha sat up and rolled her shoulder, enjoying the new freedom from it hurting. “What’s that?” She asked.

“Get busy with popsicle over there.” Shuri smirked and nodded her head towards James.

Natasha tossed her head back and laughed whole-heartedly. “That takes the cake for the best medical advice I’ve ever been given.”

Shuri laughed and shook her head. “I do what I can. You can come back to the lab every few days and we can check. I have technology that can detect pregnancy really early. There’s no guarantee it worked, I’m in new territory.” Shuri admitted somewhat nervously.

Natasha nodded, “Don’t worry. I won’t hold anything against you if this doesn’t work. I gave up on this years ago. Somethings can’t be fixed.”

A tired voice came from the corner of the room, “Hope you’re not talking about me Tasha…”

Both Natasha and Shuri whirled around. Natasha smiled and looked at James who was rubbing his eyes. Shuri hurried over to the chamber and quickly released him. “Mr. Barnes, you really need to stay here for a while so I can run tests this time.”

Natasha approached the two of them. Ready to help intervene if James got confused again. James simply nodded and seemed very relaxed at the moment. He shut his eyes and breathed slowly like he was fighting sleep for several minutes. Shuri was hooking up a bunch of machines to him. 

“Tasha?” He suddenly shouted.

She jerked forward having let the silence get her lost in her own thoughts. “I’m right here.” She leaned against the table he was laying on. Her hand rested over his on his stomach.

“Did you just get here?” He said blearily.

She smiled faintly, “I’ve been here the whole time, handsome.” She rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand. “Can’t leave you alone for too long.”

He smiled and lazily laced his fingers with hers. “What are you doing down here?”

She looked over at him, drowsily fighting his eyes to stay open. “You’re not the only one who needs some fixing up.”

James’ monitors started chiming as his heart rate spiked and his breathing became more ragged. “I hurt you?” He huffed.

Natasha’s stomach clenched, “No! No you didn’t. James.. You didn’t hurt me.” His hands gripped her tightly.

Natasha climbed up onto the table and laid down next to him. She pressed his hand against her heart. “Look at me.”

James turned his head and looked into her eyes. “I remember…”

“I don’t care what you remember. Words don’t hurt me, James. Breathe.” She locked her eyes on him.

He seemed to relax only slightly. She pulled his hand up to her lips and kissed his hand softly. “Shut your eyes. I can help you.” She whispered when he hadn’t really calmed down.

He didn’t shut his eyes. He stiffened a little and frowned. Natasha continued, “Don’t you trust me?” She whispered. “Go on.. Shut your eyes.”

He looked over at her before dropping his head back and shutting his eyes. She sighed in relief, “I want to tell you about some very important people that you haven’t met. All you have to do is listen and breathe. These people saved me when I thought I wasn’t worth saving. They’re my family. My favorite people in the whole wide world, besides you of course.” She brushed her lips against his hand again. She watched him smile and squeeze her fingers. 

“Did you know I was so good at doing what I did for the KGB that the Americans sent someone to take me out. I was a global threat.” She laughed a little. She watched the corners of his mouth twitch up. She could laugh about her past now, it still wracked her with guilt. But she had come far enough to recognize she couldn’t change her past but she could accept it and move on.

“This American spy tailed me on a mission in Budapest. I was in over my head and I could have died. Almost did. He snuck up on me. You know that’s not easy. He’s good. He saw something in me that made him make a different call. I left and went to America with him. You saw him at Liepzig. The witch had to knock me out because he was pulling his punches in the fight. “

His fingers traced over her cheek as she talked. “Agent Clint Barton helped me turn my life around for the better. I was the good guy for once. Using my skills for good. He was my partner on something like 200 missions. The man in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D. called us duo disaster once. We had this habit of winging our missions and still pulling them off. Stupid, but ultimately successful. Clint was my first real friend. I don’t count you because I shouldn’t be kissing friends like I kiss you.”

James laughed lightly. She smiled and watched his face, “Clint is married to this wonderful woman named Laura. Sometimes I think she has this superpower to figure everything out before she’s told it. Clint and I couldn’t get away with anything around her. They have this beautiful warm farmhouse. There’s animals everywhere. I can’t figure out what the scent of it is, but I equate it with home. I go there because they became my family. I owe Clint a debt I could never repay.”

James hand slipped into her hair, gently running his hand through it as she talked. “Clint and Laura know all about you. They have these three amazing kids. I was there when all three were born. Guess what they call me?” She smiled.

“Hmm..” James murmured.

“Auntie Nat.” She smiled brightly. “I love those kids so much. While you were gone they saved me from myself. They didn’t let me be sad for too long. They didn’t let me give up. When you’re all better, I want to go back. I want them to meet you.”

James smiled and turned his head, opening his eyes. His monitors were all quiet. Whatever distress he was having was gone. “I want to meet your family, Tasha.”

She beamed, “Really?”

“Of course.”

She pecked his cheek, “Then get better so I can take you there.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So more head canons of mine. Shuri and Steve are the biggest BuckyNat shippers. Lots and lots of feels in this one. Doe you all think James will ever be truly free of HYDRA's programming?


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long break between chapters. School has just started again and teacher-life never ever stops! I finally had some free time this weekend and wrote a ton! Enjoy! :)

James was kept under observation for another week in the lab. Spikes of emotions and confusion were heavily present the first couple days as his brain healed. Natasha slept on the floor of the lab every day, waking to continue telling him stories of her life when they were apart. She detailed her favorite cities, her best missions. She told him about all of the Avengers. Who they were. What they could do. Anything she could think of she talked about in order to ease his discomfort. 

During the days Shuri ran a lot of tests and Natasha got her breaks to shower, eat and enjoy Wakanda. Her newest thing was to spar with Okoye and the other members of T’challa’s guard. The women were fierce fighters but so was Natasha. 

“Show me the thigh thing again.” Okoye gasped after Natasha had just taken her down with her signature acrobatic leg move. She was drenched in the hot sun. Her pale skin had developed a tan from her days outside. She adjusted her leggings and sports bra and smiled. 

Natasha smiled, “Think I can take T’challa?”

Okoye smirked, “Naturally.”

Natasha laughed and waved at T’challa. “Your highness you’re needed for demonstration purposes.” 

T’challa approached and transformed into his panther suit. Natasha teased, “Oh c’mon, I don’t bite.”

“Says the super spy called Black Widow. I know exactly how you bite.” T’challa reminisced back to Leipzig.

She laughed, “Fair enough.”

Okoye circled Natasha as she started to spar with T’challa. He leapt forward intent on tackling her. She let him get just close enough before she broke his arms grip on her and dug her foot into his thigh and propelled herself upwards. Her legs circled his shoulder and in dramatic fashion she threw her upper body downwards. T’challa’s balance was broken and he hurled feet over head into the ground. Natasha scrambled to her feet as everyone clapped. She helped T’challa up.

“Tomorrow you come to our training. The other warriors need to learn this.” Okoye smiled. 

“Certainly. I’d love to help. I’ll bring Steve, he could use a dose of humility.” She laughed and watched Steve throw his hands up.

“Come here Steve. I want to break down the steps for her.” Natasha pleaded. After a few minutes, she got Steve to join her.

Steve wasn’t in a mood to be taken down by her easily. He kept moving his hands or his feet when she tried to direct him to move. “Rodgers!” She swatted his arm. For the third time he wind-milled his arms making it hard for her to vault onto his shoulders.

The others watching thought it was hilarious. Okoye stepped back as Natasha hurried to try again, more determined to best Steve when he was goofing off. She boosted herself upwards again having blocked his arm. She got one leg over his shoulder as he caught her other foot. She lost her balance as he trapped both of her legs as she tried to correct her mistake and hop off his shoulders. Natasha swung backwards hoping for the best but Steve’s grip did not break. She hung upside down over his should. 

“Steve!” She huffed as he laughed raucously. 

The others were in fits of laughter and Steve approached the fountain near the area where they sparred. “No! Rodgers! Don’t you dare!” She wrenched her hands into his shirt. 

“Aww, C’mon Nat, it’ll be refreshing.” Steve loosened his grip on her legs and flung her into the water. 

In a last-ditch effort, she tugged harder on his shirt and brought him with her. Water cascaded over both of them. Natasha staggered to her feet, her hair plastered to her face as she sputtered. 

She flung water with her hands into his face. He retaliated and kicked water in her direction. She staggered to the ledge to free herself from the splashes. 

“Oh, what is this?” Shuri exclaimed, “Did I miss all the fun?”

Natasha wrung out her hair and glanced at Steve, her chest heaving quickly. “Rodger’s has a twisted sense of fun.”

T’challa smiled, “Sergeant Barnes. Free from the lab?”

James stepped out onto the magnificent outdoor area. Natasha whirled around and ran towards him. She crashed into him. His hands clasped around her tightly and spun her around quickly. He kissed her deeply and dipped her backwards.   
He pulled away and took a look at her, “Why are you wet?”

She plucked at his soaked shirt now. “Steve doesn’t fight fair.” 

James looked at Steve and laughed, “Did she deserve it?”

“Definitely.” Steve concluded and hugged James. 

Natasha let the two of them have their moment and sat down on the sun baked granite and dumped water out of her tennis shoes and wrung out her socks. Many of the others had left, giving the three guests their time to reconnect. Rivulets of water dripped down her skin. 

She laid back on the ground and let the sun evaporate the water from her clothes. A while later a shadow blocked her sun. She squinted and looked up at James.

“Dried out yet?” He pulled her off the ground. 

“Barely.” She leaned into him and sighed. “Where’s Steve?”

“He’s going to London.” James said quickly.

“What?” She gasped.

“He said he was inspired by you and I. He couldn’t let a girl slip through his fingers again.” 

She smiled, “Sharon.” She hugged him tightly, “I get you all to myself now.”

James smirked and kissed her quickly. It dawned on her that Steve’s departure wasn’t very well planned. She broke away. “He can’t go... We’re wanted criminals.” She breathed and turned around to look for Steve. “We’re hiding here because no one could get to us here. Sharon won’t be able to hide him!”

James squeezed her shoulders, “He’s got a plan. I think he’ll be fine.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow, “I know the minute I step out of here Stark will bring me in.” 

James rubbed her arm, “We can deal with Stark. Hasn’t he had a while to deal with everything that happened?”

“You don’t know Tony like I do. He holds grudges and I double crossed him. He’s upset. Steve, Sam, and I are wanted for breaking the Accords. Wanda and Vision took off. It’s a mess.” She admitted.

“We’ve got forever to figure it out Natasha.” He kissed her cheek. She shut her eyes and smiled.

“Do you mean it? Forever?” She asked.

“Get me rings and I’ll marry you right now.” He swept her off the ground with a laugh.

She held on tightly as he swept her upwards, “Don’t tease me like that, unless you mean it.”

He set her back down, “I’d never joke about marrying you. I’m almost 100 years old. I don’t want to wait any longer to start my life. Think about it. You’re not tied down by an agency. I’m free of HYDRA. We can find somewhere safe, settle down and start our lives. What do you say?”

Everything he said was perfect, she rested her head on his chest as he talked. The low rumble of his voice was soothing. “Find those rings and ask me properly.” She smiled up at him. 

James kissed her hard and pulled away moments later. Both of them breathless and flushed. Natasha smiled, “My room?”

“Hurry.” He said and grabbed her discarded tennis shoes and socks.

Natasha hurried through the halls of the building towards her room, trying to wipe the grin off her face. She fumbled with the beaded bracelet that electronically unlocked her door. James’ hand gripped her hips from behind her and ground himself against her as she struggled.

“James!” She laughed as he wedged her against the door. His hands groping every inch of her he could get. 

She panted and waved her wrist over the scanner again. It flashed red indignantly. She glanced down the hallway as his fingers slipped inside the front of her leggings. She gasped and trapped his hand with her free one. She waved her wrist again, begging the damn thing to open. It finally flashed green and Natasha flung the door open and then shut again in seconds. James was already unzipping his pants. Their clothes tossed to the floor in a flurry of movement. 

James backed her into the bed and quickly parted her legs. He wasted no time burying himself inside her. She throbbed around him already, so impossibly dripping for him. James gasped against her neck. “Oh… you’re so ready for me.” His breath was hot against her skin. 

“Yes..” She moaned, she throbbed again, milking him inside her.

James panted as he drew out of her and thrust in slowly. Natasha whimpered under him, her eyes fluttering. He could read her like a book. His lips anchored on her throat, “Are you going to come for me already, Tasha?” His fingers slipped between them, rubbing that spot he knew would unravel her. 

He had barely touched her and here she was on the verge of falling over the edge. Her hips rocked sharply in response to his fingers. “James!” She moaned, her hands clawing into the sheets.

James loved it how she lost control in seconds of him touching her. “Go on, Tasha. Let me see you come.” He gasped, thrusting in tandem with his hand. His eyes glued on hers as she cried out loudly. Her body tightening around him magnificently.

He pulled is had away as she throbbed and gasped, “Yes, baby..” He moaned, gripping her hips and thrusting into her deeply. 

Natasha crushed her lips to his as he worked into her harder. “God! Yes!” She gasped as he buried himself in her thrust after thrust. Her eyes fluttered and rolled each time he sank into her. 

“Do you like that, Tasha?” He moaned against her jaw.

His words shot right to the core of her. She throbbed at the thought of his dirty words. James panted, a smirk on his lips. “Oh god… yes I can feel that you do.”

She was glorious and so responsive he had to take advantage of it. “Mmm.. Shall I touch you again? Wouldn’t you like that?” His fingers inched from her hip.

“Please…” Natasha gasped breathlessly.

His fingers sunk between her legs again, rubbing her so slowly that she whined.

“You know what I want…” He thrust into her slowly now drawing out of her in deep slow thrusts.

She arched under him, desperate for more. “Tell me..” She whimpered.

“My lips…My tongue bringing you undone like my fingers.” He panted against her collar bone. 

Natasha moaned breathily, “James…. Yes… Keep talking!” She throbbed around him again, so close to the edge. 

He was holding out for her again, wanting to see her go first before him. “Oh… yes… I’ve thought about your pretty little mouth wrapped around me. God.. Tasha.. You’d bring me to my knees.” His fingers worked her furiously between his thrusts. She was nearly screaming. “C’mon, Tasha…” He thrust harder as her body twitched and exploded over the edge again. In a single thrust, he buried himself to the hilt and spilled inside her. 

Natasha tossed her head back into the pillow as she tried to catch her breath. James trapped her face between his hands and kissed her firmly, “God damn.. I love you.” He said reverently.

She gasped and pecked his lips. Completely blissed out of her mind. “I love you, you dirty, dirty old man.” She breathed.

James laughed and pulled her on top of him. Natasha kissed him firmly and dug her fingers into his hair. His hands trailed down her spine making her twitch and shiver on top of him. She burst out into laughter against his lips as he trailed his hand up her hip. “Ticklish?” He smirked and looked up at her. Her red hair spilling over her shoulders.

“No!” She pressed her lips together and bit back a laugh as he stroked her hip again ever so softly. She twitched and stiffened, laughter breaking from her lips. James grinned and doubled his efforts, as Natasha squirmed. 

“James!” She pleaded, “Stop!” Her hands pawed at his on her sides, the blankets slipping around her as she struggled to her knees.

“Not a chance.” He said firmly and flipped her over. He pinned her hands firmly above her head. 

Natasha panted quickly as she locked her legs around his waist and tried to roll. “Are we really going to wrestle, I think we both know who’s going to win this.” She said testily.

“Afraid you’ll lose, sweetheart? I understand, you can back out now.” James raised an eyebrow at her and pecked her lips as she gasped in shock.

Natasha narrowed her eyes at him playfully, “It’s sweet that you think you’ll beat me.” She pitched herself to the side under him and got him leaning just enough to break the hold on her hands. 

She grinned and pushed herself upwards. James laughed and pushed her back, his arm circling her waist and sliding her up the bed. She hit the mattress with a thud and he was on her in an instant.   
His cybernetic hand pinned her arms after a quick scuffle and his real hand braced himself over her. His legs trapped hers between his. She was pinned.

“What was that about beating you again?” He panted, looking down at her with delight in his eyes. 

Natasha wasn’t even mad, “I don’t seem to recall…” she had other things on her mind. Wrestling him naked had wound her right back up. She could feel him hot and wanting against her stomach. “Would you like a prize for your efforts, soldier?” She kissed his jaw as he shifted his weight.

The soldier remark lit him up. He looked down at her with heady eyes, “Oh, yes…” He breathed and kissed her heavily, taking his time kissing her until the need for air was too much to ignore. “Was that my prize?”

She shook her head, “Oh no. Why don’t you let me go and I’ll show you...”

James gently released her hands and sat up against the headboard and pillows. Natasha swiftly straddled his lap and crushed her lips against his. James hands slid down and cupped her ass as she leaned into him. Her hands slid down his chest from his shoulders. He was more muscular than before. The years had strengthened him. His muscles rock hard under her hands. She ground against him, hard and wanting against her.

His hands rose to her hips pressing her into him as she ground. Her lips parted against his neck, a soft whimper escaping. She pushed his hands off, “This is your treat..” She reminded, wanting to treat him for beating her.

He slid his hands up her soft stomach to palm her breasts. “Then let me enjoy it, Tasha.” He smiled.

Natasha arched into his touch and rose off her knees determined to sink onto him. James kissed down her throat until his lips stopped on the scar that marked her shoulder. His hands gripped her hips as he reverently pressed his lips to the scar, his eyes falling shut. Natasha felt the breath leave her body. His eyes shut tightly. 

“James…” She whispered, her hands brushing his hair. 

She knew what he was doing, apologizing for what he had done. She knew it would come. 

“I’m..” He started.

“Don’t you say it.” She cut him off quickly, he breath coming in sharp pants.

He tucked her under him in a swift roll and kissed her briefly. His eyes were full of remorse. Natasha cupped his face, “It doesn’t matter. Please…” She brushed her fingers over his lips. 

“Where’s the other one?” He breathed, his fingers skimming her skin to find the raised scar.

“…Left hip…” She whispered after a long pause. This was not how she had imagined his treat going. 

James parted her legs, sliding down until his lips found the scar. Natasha felt a lump in her throat as he buried his face against her hip. His hands cradling her waist gently. She drew in a ragged breath, the emotions she thought she had bested came flooding back. The pain, the anger, the confusion from the wounds. Tears washed down her temples, disappearing into her hair. She squeezed her eyes shut in an effort to stop the tears.

Her chest heaved as she breathed quickly. James kissed the scar again before crawling back up her body. He kissed her temples, brushing the tears away on both sides. She was embarrassed now and huffed. “Look what you did now, getting all emotional. I told you to stop.” She laughed at herself and wiped her eyes.

James shook his head and gave her a soft smile, “You’ll never know how deeply guilty I feel about those. I don’t remember doing it, but I know I did it.” He cupped her face, “I should be the one treating you…” He kissed her lips.

He could have shot her a third time and she was sure it wouldn’t have ever made her turn away. “There’s nothing you can do to me that’s going to make me walk away.” How many people could be shot by someone twice and still love them? Was it a testament to the strength they had or how clouded her judgement had gotten?

James buried his head into her neck, favoring her with hot kisses up and down her throat and chest. His lips trailed down the hollow between her breasts before his tongue swiped over her nipple. There he stayed for several moments, enjoying her soft hums of pleasure.

Natasha curled her toes into the sheets, “I need you.” She buried her fingers into his hair. She pressed into him, needing to feel more of him. Gone was the feeling of another quick and dirty round. This had suddenly turned more emotional than she had bargained for. He was worshipping her. Taking his time. This… This is how she imagined it would have gone for years if she had been reunited with him. Not that she didn’t love how desperate and wanton their first round was a while ago. 

James braced himself above her for a moment to line himself up and sink into her. He settled onto his elbows, kissing her hard. Natasha hooked her feet behind his thighs, driving him deeper into her. 

James thrust into her slowly setting a deep rhythm. Natasha gasped sharply as he reared back and sank into her at a torturous pace. Her hips rose against his, rocking quickly to relieve the ache for more. James’ hand snapped to her hip and stilled her movements. “Oh, baby.. not yet.” He panted and drew out of her again, sinking back in slowly. She squeezed her thighs around his hips, clenching around him desperately. “I want to savor this.”

Natasha whimpered and scratched her nails down his back. She felt goosebumps erupt under her hands. James continued that deliberately slow pace for several minutes until she couldn’t take it anymore.

Natasha was trembling under him, sweat peppering her skin as she was driven mad with desire for more of everything. James cradled her face with one hand and clenched the sheets under them. 

“James!” She whined, “Please.. Please.. I need you.” She gasped, leaning into his hand against her cheek. He panted above her. I was so deliciously hot how much control they had. He kissed her deeply, his tongue delving into her mouth as he drove into her faster now. Her pleas had grown much more desperate in the past minute and she was impossibly wet and hot around him. The ache for more settled deep in his abdomen, but what he wanted more than his own release was the glorious redhead under him.

Natasha rocked her hips into his to match the fast pace he set. James stared into her eyes watching the way they fluttered each time he hilted himself in her. 

“James!” She whimpered arching under him breathlessly her hips rocking furiously into his.

He gripped her him firmly as she clenched around him tightly. “Go on..” He gasped, “I’m right there.” 

Natasha wasted no time her fingers digging into his lower back as she came loudly. He thrust into her furiously, finding his own release seconds after hers. 

James rolled off of her minutes later and wrapped a heavy arm around her. Natasha slipped a leg over his and rested her head on his chest, absolutely tired now.


	28. Chapter 28

Twice more that night they had sex. Another time in the shower sometime before dawn. Freshly showered and drained from a very active night with little sleep, James tucked into her bed again a hand stuffed under his head as his eyes shut. Natasha padded around the room, shoving the sheets into a laundry basket with their old clothes. She spied her phone on the floor, knocked from the bedside table at some point. 

She had 10 missed calls. Several from Clint, three from Steve, and even two from Tony. Several texts messages from the three revealed what she had missed. 

-Nat, call me back. I need you. –Clint

-I’m not kidding, Nat. I need you to climb out of whatever hole you’re hiding in and get to the farm. –Clint

-Romanoff… I just got off the phone with Clint. You need to talk to him. –Steve

-You and Bucky have to come up for air at some point… Clint needs you. –Steve

-Hey… Everyone in the world is trying to find you. So.. please call Barton back, so everyone can stop calling me. –Tony

-You need to come in, by the way. It’s serious. -Tony

Natasha blanched and listened to the various voicemails the first one was really the only one she heard. Clint was on the other end. He sounded broken, upset. “Hey... Nat... I don’t know what time it is where ever you are... But I need you to come back. Laura and the kids were in a car accident. Everyone’s in the hospital. Laura’s got the worst of it, Cooper’s in bad shape too… Please call me back.”

James sat up as Natasha whirled around the room. She tugged on her usual leggings, boots and a sweater.

“Natasha… What’s going on?” James watched her fling the little belongings she had into a leather bag.  
He was met with silence. Natasha triple checked drawers and areas for things before he grabbed her. Her eyes were blurry. 

“Tasha.. Talk to me.” James said firmly.

She gasped, “Laura.. The kids. They were in an accident. It sounds bad. Clint called while we were...” She gestured to the bed, “That was almost 12 hours ago. He needs me to be there. His whole world is falling apart.” A sharp twinge of shame filled her. She should have been more attentive to her phone.

James sighed understandably. “You need to calm down, first of all.” He reminded and steadied her in his hands. “Panicking isn’t going to get you there faster or help Clint in any fashion. Take a deep breath and call him back. I’m going to go change. Please don’t go anywhere yet.” He said calmly.

Natasha stared at the phone in her hands. James pressed again, “Say it Natasha. Promise me you won’t move until I come back.”

She nodded, “I’ll be right here.”

James kissed her cheek and left swiftly. In seconds she hit redial and Clint answered.

“Jesus, Nat, where the hell are you!” Clint gasped, “I had to call Rodgers and Stark to help get a hold of you.”

She hung her head, “Clint, I’m so sorry. I’m leaving in a few minutes. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Where are you? Where have you been?” He asked quickly.

“Wakanda.”

Clint sighed, “You’ll be hours away even with the best plane. Cooper’s in surgery.”

Natasha grimaced, “Clint, I’m hurrying I promise. Send me that location, okay?”

“I can’t do this alone, Nat. I can’t lose her.”

She sighed, “Stop that right now, Clint. Thinking like that isn’t helping anyone. You won’t be alone because I’m coming back and I’m not leaving ever again.”

Clint was silent for a while, Natasha thought she heard the distinct sound of sniffling. Not that she was call him out on it. 

“I’m leaving now. Send me the location. I’ll call as soon as I land. Okay?” She said quickly and grabbed her bag.

“Okay. Bye Nat.”

“Bye.” She shoved her phone into her bag as James hurried into the room.

He had changed into black jeans, boots, and a grey t-shirt under a navy flannel shirt. He had a bag as well. “T’challa is loaning us an auto-piloted jet. He said it can get us to any airport, no questions asked.”

She hung on the word ‘us’. She had not considered him coming but now that seemed stupid. This was new to her. Having to think of someone else’s influence on her plans. “You’re coming with?”

James shouldered her bag, “I’m not staying here by myself.”

She looked up at him. She had been on her own for too long. This felt weird. James grabbed her arm gently. “Don’t over think this, Tasha.”

She sucked in a deep breath and nodded. She could hash out her feelings later. She grabbed his hand and hurried out of the room to the elevator that would take them to the jet hanger below the residence. Inside the elevator James pressed the buttons for the right location as Shuri ran and slid into the elevator with them.

James suddenly cursed, “Oh, I forgot to tell her.” He said to Shuri quickly.

“Really? Mr. Barnes with all that work I just did you should have super human brain function!” Shuri sighed playfully and turned to Natasha.

Natasha suddenly realized something she had forgotten about. The nanites. The healing they were supposedly able to give her. She looked over at James as the elevator sank downward. She had planned to talk to him about this. Last night… All the times they were together, unprotected. She rubbed her face and sighed. 

“I know you’re on your way out, can you spare a moment to let me scan you?” Shuri asked quickly.

Natasha shook her head, “No, it’s not necessary.” She peeked at James who was absorbed in watching the marvelous sights as the elevator cleared a floor and descended into the hanger. 

Shuri looked at her firmly, “Ms. Romanoff… It’s important to check if…”

Natasha cut her off, “It’s fine, Shuri.” She looked at the girl and shook her head furiously, wordlessly insisting her to stop talking.

Silence befell them as the elevator stopped. Natasha hurried off to the jet T’challa was standing by. James looked at Shuri, “I didn’t mean to intrude… Is it important that she gets scanned?”

Shuri shifted her weight and looked at the tablet in her hands. “It should be. If she’s denying it, then there’s nothing I can do.”

James nodded, “Hold on.. I’ll see if I can get her to change her mind.”

James sprinted over to Natasha and dropped their bags by the jet. He led her away from T’challa. She huffed, “James, what is it? We need to get going. He’s giving me the flight codes.”

James gripped her upper arms and looked at her firmly. “You need to let Shuri scan you. For whatever reason she needs to, she said it’s important.”

Natasha sighed, “It’s not important.”

He smirked, “You haven’t changed one bit when it comes to needing medical attention. I can carry you over my shoulder to her or you can walk.”

Natasha huffed, “Don’t treat me like a child, James.” 

He kissed her cheek, “Then stop acting like one and let the nice girl scan you.” He turned her toward Shuri and swatted her butt playfully as she walked away. 

Natasha approached Shuri with a somber expression. “Let’s get it over with then..”

Shuri nodded apologetically and held up her tablet. A bright light scanned over Natasha’s body and beeped loudly when it was done. Natasha didn’t know what she wanted the scan to say. If she was… pregnant then it would be a miracle and a complication to the fragile thing she had just gotten back with James. If she wasn’t… there was the dashed hope that she had been harboring. If it didn’t immediately work then she supposed it never would. All the work would have been for nothing.

Shuri was examining the screen, Natasha peeked at it and didn’t know how to read the information. Shuri looked up at her. “You and popsicle...”

“Many times…” Natasha said lowly and Shuri smirked a little. Natasha had to admit she liked the cheeky girl. 

Shuri was silent for a few moments and looked up at Natasha. “Well?” Natasha asked indifferently.

Shuri just shook her head no. Natasha raised her eyebrows and swallowed the sharp pang of disappointment. In the moments she had stood there waiting she had decided complicated would have been better than nothing at all. The real result… a resounding failure stung like a slap to the face. 

“Oh…” Was all she was able to utter before nodded and stepping towards the jet.

T’challa shook James’ hand and offered Natasha the same. She obliged numbly and boarded the jet. It would fly itself and get them to New York in 2 hours. 

Natasha curled up in the pilot seat, her head tucked in against her knees. James was softly snoring since the moment the plane was airborne. They both needed sleep, but she was unable to find it. Hot tears wet the leggings that covered her knees as she silently wept. Mostly for her ‘family’ suffering an inconceivable mishap. Also for the absolute crushing blow she had been dealt. She had been so very hopeful that she could finally have it all. Have James back, have the rings and the future with him. Perhaps there could have been children. A real family of her own after everything she had survived. 

A very real part of her wished all those years ago that she had been strong enough to run away from the Red Room to give herself the chance to be a mother. She hadn’t thought of the baby she could of have in many years. That child could have been 14 by now. Almost grown. There could have been others. She would have wanted more of them. Her chest burned with the force of her held back sobs. 

She drew in a ragged breath and a sob escaped her lips. James startled next to her in the copilot seat. He leaned forward and suddenly realized the noise had come from her. Natasha brushed her wet cheeks and looked away from him as she heard him stir.   
James was on his feet in seconds and crouched near her seat. “Tasha…” He whispered and pulled her to face him.

She had mostly dried her eyes but she knew they’d be bloodshot and red. “It’s fine, I’m just overtired and emotional.”

James didn’t by it, “When are you going to stop instantly denying your very real feelings and talk about them. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You are so incredibly strong, it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to let me in and rely on me to help you when you can’t.” He rubbed her leg soothingly. “You’ve seen the absolutely worst of me, all most rage and emotion. You saw me when I was broken. I could never judge or shame you for anything. Talk to me, please. Don’t think you have to suffer anything alone anymore.”

How the hell did she deserve him after all of this. How could her James still be there after all these years? It just seemed impossible. She leaned forward and sank into his lap on the floor of the jet.

With a slight adjustment he circled his arms around her and held her tightly. For several minutes she wasn’t able to talk. James pressed after a while. “If this is about Clint and his family… I’m sure whatever the doctors can’t fix, we can bring them to Shuri. Your family is going to be okay, I know it.”

She sighed heavily. “It’s not that…” She breathed quickly and bucked up the courage to get it over with and out in the open.

“So it’s what Shuri said to you? You are sick? Tasha what is it?” James asked quickly and looked down at her full of concern. 

She gasped, she suddenly was so aware of how it must look to him. He thought she had cancer or something awful. “Oh... no... James.. I’m... I’m going to be okay… It’s not like that.” She said quickly. She would be okay, eventually. As she had been for almost a decade and a half. 

“I don’t understand what happened then.” He said quietly. His hand brushing up her back. “You certainly don’t seem fine.”

She shifted off his lap to face him, she wanted to see his reactions. If they matched what Steve had admitted to her the other day.

“Shuri thought she could fix me, like how she fixed you.” She started and James looked at her strangely.

“But you weren’t controlled by the KGB like HYDRA did to me, were you?” He asked quickly.

“No… Not anything like that.. Let me rephrase… Shuri thought she could fix what my graduation took away from me.” She said shakily. She watched his eyes soften. His hand pressed against her calf softly. 

She pressed her lips together, “She gave me a nanite serum that regenerated all the scar tissue.. I guess what they did for sterilization wasn’t so much a procedure as it was mutilation.” That word hung heavy on her tongue. It stabbed at her heart in the worst way. It made her feel like more of a monster than ever. Some barren, killing machine. 

James shook his head, “Tasha… I didn’t know it was like that.” He looked so incredibly guilty.

“How could you have?” she said quickly. “Your job was to help train us. No one knew. I certainly didn’t until a few weeks ago. Shuri was adamant that the nanites would work, and they did. She scanned me just before you woke up again. It all healed.”

James nodded, “What did she scan you for today then?”

She looked up at him, “James…” She said firmly, he had to be able to piece two and two together.

James frowned, “What?”

She looked at his hand on her calf, “She scanned me to see if I was pregnant.”

He brushed his thumb across her shin, “Oh…” He said simply.

“I had meant to tell you before we got carried away. It slipped my mind once I saw you were finally back. There was a chance that I could have been pregnant and the nanites would have given me back a chance to have children. I’m not pregnant.. Chances are I’m healed but I won’t ever be able to..” She looked up at him. “I really meant to tell you. I wanted to, I wanted us to have a chance to have a family.”

He looked at her solemnly, “Are you really sure it hasn’t worked.. I mean… We were all over each other. Can she honestly tell that soon? Who’s to say that the next time…”

She clasped her hand over his, “I don’t think it’s in the books for us, James.”   
He shook his head firmly, “You’ve got more fight in you than this. Are you going to let the first hiccup stop you? That’s not the girl I know if that’s the case.”

She looked at him strangely. He was so passionate about this. It seems that Steve was right. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He stared her down, “Did Shuri say there was absolutely no chance it would work if it didn’t happen the first time?”

She thought back to the conversation she had with her, “No.. She didn’t say that. There was no guarantee it would work. It was experimental.”

James held her hands firmly and smiled, “Then you didn’t get pregnant the first time. You should know that this is just the next challenge. If there’s even the slightest chance that you could have children, then god damnit I will make sure it happens.”

Natasha covered her face and laughed, “I don’t deserve you.” Here he was whole-heartedly invested in her.

James kissed the top of her head, “I deserve you, I have to because now my next goal is to make sure you’re knocked up. God we’ll have so much fun trying.”

She shut her eyes and smiled against his chest as he pulled her into him again. “Where is this new side of you coming from?”

He laughed lightly, “I’ve gotten a second chance at life, Tasha. I’ve got time to make up for and a new outlook on life.”

She kissed him swiftly and pulled back moments later for air. “We’re doing this? Babies? Rings? White picket fences?”

James held her tightly, “Yes. We’re doing this. There’s nothing else I want more. You get your family situated and the minute they’re all healed and home safe, I’m marrying you. By then hopefully you’ll be pregnant.”


	29. Chapter 29

Natasha rushed through the hallways of the hospital. James had a firm grip on her hand, otherwise she would have been running. The flight had taken nearly 2 hours, and the car ride from the private hangar took another hour. A nurse stopped her and James at the doors to the recovery ward.  
“Visitation hours will resume in the morning.”

Natasha scowled, “I am family. I have family in there.” She pointed down the hallway. 

The nurse looked apprehensively at Natasha before checking a sheet on a clipboard. “What patient are you family of?”

“Laura, Cooper, Lila, and Nathaniel Barton.” Natasha answered quickly and craned her neck to look down the hallway. James squeezed her hand and kept her grounded.

“Name?” The nurse asked.

“Natasha Barton.” She said without hesitation. “Laura’s husband is my brother. I live out of town, you see. I tried to get here as quick as I can. Can I please see them now?”

The nurse looked over at James. “One at a time.”

Natasha looked back at James as the nurse handed her a visitor’s badge. “Go. Be with your family. I’ll be right out here.”

She pecked his cheek and left him in the waiting area. She followed the nurse down to the end of the hallway. There was a large room secluded from the others. Through the glass doors she saw the room. Clint was sitting on a bed with Nathaniel. The toddler was fast asleep and seemingly unharmed. She pushed her way into the room.

“Clint.” She said softly.

He rushed from the bed and embraced her tightly. She hugged him back and didn’t budge when the hug lasted longer than normal. “Nat..” He said with such a desperation in his voice.

“Hey now, I’m here. What can I do to help?” She stepped from the embrace only when Clint let her go. She instinctively moved towards Nathaniel. The one Barton child she had not bonded with as deeply as the others. He was nearing 2 years old. For such a severe accident he seemed fine.

Clint rubbed his face, “The doctors are saying Laura and Cooper need to be transferred to another hospital for rehabilitation.”

She looked back at Clint, her hand stroking the little boy’s tiny cheek. “Why can’t they do that here?”

Clint looked like he was going to fall apart, “Laura’s back was shattered. They’re still in surgery with her. They don’t know if she’ll be able to walk again. Paralysis is likely.”

Natasha felt her stomach clench. “What the hell happened?”

Clint swallowed slowly, “The rain. They were all going grocery shopping. An 18-wheeler slid through a red light.” He choked over the words. “The SUV was obliterated. Nat I don’t know... I don’t know how any of them survived this. Laura and Cooper could still… They could…”

Natasha sucked in a deep breath, “Don’t you even say those words.” She moved towards him again, seeing Clint start to crumble again. She paused when a doctor entered the room. 

“Mr. Barton, I’d like to go over Laura and Cooper’s relocation.” The young doctor said and sifted through papers on his chart. Natasha took the hint as the doctor paused and looked at her. 

“I’ll be in the waiting room.” She said softly and left the room.

Natasha found James stretched back on a couch, his eyes shut in the darkened room. He stirred when she sat next to him, the cushion jostling him as she sat.

“How are they?” He asked with a yawn.

“The youngest ones are okay, I think. The baby is just roughed up, Lila’s a little worse I think… She wasn’t in there... Laura and Cooper are being transferred to another facility. They’re in critical condition.” She sighed heavily and leaned against him.

James sucked in a deep breath, his hand snaked around her back. “What can I do to help?”

She squeezed his leg and shrugged, “I just want to rest my eyes.”

James smiled, “That I can help with. Come here.” He scooted towards the arm rest, angled back, and opened himself up to hold her.

Natasha tucked her legs under herself and leaned against his side. Her head falling onto his chest. Her hand rested against his stomach and instantly she settled down. She promised herself she’d only just rest her eyes for a few minutes. 

“Nat…” Someone said softly after clearing their throat. 

Natasha’s eyes shot open and squinted at the clock. It was just after 4 AM. Clint was standing near the end of the couch, his eyes pointedly on James behind her. 

James murmured in his sleep as she shifted and got up slowly. His eyes opened reluctantly as her warmth and presence left his side. “I’ll be right back.” She whispered and urged him to keep sleeping. He eyed Clint for a moment before sitting up fully.

“Didn’t know you brought company.” Clint said stiffly. She had hoped to explain everything that happened with James to him before he met him. All Clint had to go on was the Winter Soldier drama and how each year James seemed to haunt or hurt her. She knew Clint had her best interests in mind but given his current emotional state, she figured he’d come off uncharacteristically mean. 

She gave Clint a stern look. “Things are different now. That’s not the point we need to discuss right now. How’s everyone?” She pushed Clint toward the door to the hallway.

James brushed past them in the hall, her focus pulled as James took a left down another hallway. Clint leaned against the wall, “We’re coming back to that point shortly.”

She rolled her eyes, “Laura… The kids... Out with it!” She demanded.

Clint glanced down the hallway that led to the rooms holding his family. “Lila and Nate have been discharged already. They’re sleeping while I figure out the next step for them. Lila broke her arm and has whiplash. Nate just a few cuts and bruises. They were in the back furthest from the impact. Cooper’s in intensive care, internal bleeding was fixed during surgery. Both of his legs are broken. They won’t let me see him yet. He’ll need extensive help with healing and therapy.” Her hand covered her mouth in shock at the thought of Cooper being so severely hurt. The last time she had seen him he was running around like a normal boy. It would be a very long time before he could do that again. 

“Kids are tough, you know that. Hell… I know that. I survived worse than that as a child, Clint. He’ll bounce back quicker than you think. Thank god, the little ones aren’t in the same condition.” She breathed and looked up at him noticing how he left Laura out of the details.

“And Laura?” She nudged. Reading his demeanor for any sign that would point to her having to prepare herself for the worst sort of news. She prayed that Laura wasn’t dead.

“Driver’s side impact. The doctors say it’s a miracle she wasn’t found dead on arrival.” His voice waivered.

Natasha found a lump rising in her throat. Laura was so good, it wasn’t fair that something so bad had happened to her. “What kind of condition is she in?” She pressed. She needed to know. She knew people could physically recover from accidents like this but mentally… that was a different story. Brain injuries… She let her mind wander to the potentially heartbreaking, life altering injuries.

“They spent hours putting plates, pins and wires into her pelvis, left leg, and arm. They said there was bleeding in her brain. She’s covered in cuts from the glass. Punctured lung, broken ribs. They put her in a medically induced coma to help her body heal. She’ll be transported with Cooper in a few hours to a facility upstate who handles the intensive recovery they’ll both need.” He went on giving her the details she wanted.

Lila had whiplash like the others in the accident. A dislocated shoulder and a broken arm. Clint had to add that she was very proud of her hot pink cast. Natasha smiled at that. Cooper had emergency surgery for internal bleeding and pins and plates in his two broken legs. Laura’s back was broken, her pelvis fractured, crush injuries to the left side of her body. Numerous breaks in her arm and leg. She was in a medically induced coma after surgery to manage her pain for transport. Nathaniel somehow managed to only have a few scrapes and a nasty bruise from his car seat. 

“They’re all alive, and that’s what matters now.” She assured Clint as he finished talking about the horrific details.

He nodded and rubbed his face. She didn’t have to ask to know that he hadn’t slept a wink. He pulled out his phone and fired off several messages. 

“What can I do to help? Do the little ones need clothes? What about Laura and Cooper, do they need things for the facility they’re headed too?” She said quickly.

Clint shook his head, “Tony, of all people, sent someone to the farm to get clothes for them and to bring a new car over.” 

Natasha nodded, that must be who he was texting. “You can’t be flown to the facility with them? That’s rude.” Natasha pointed out and craned her neck to see who she could go badger about that.

“Calm down. I’m flying with them.” He said softly. “The car is for you.”

“But I don’t…” She started as Clint cut her off.

“You’re the godparent for all of the kids. We’ve got no family to send the kids off too. Nat… I need you to take Nate and Lila. It could be months upstate especially for Laura. Cooper won’t need to be there so long, eventually he’ll come home. I need you to take the kids home.” He looked at her firmly.

Natasha sighed as a million things rushed into her mind. She had only ever been the fun aunt. Taking the kids for a few hours. Occasionally helping with homework when she was around. Bedtimes, meals, routines, diapers, school for Lila. She didn’t know anything about cooking, she was shit at it. “Are you sure? Clint… I know nothing about taking care of the kids. I watch them for a few hours, sugar them up, and let you and Laura handle the rest.”

Clint watched her visibly blanch at the idea, “You’re the only one I trust to do this.” The way he said only one suggested he didn’t want James with her.

“He’s with me, he has no where else to go. If you want me to watch the kids, he’s going to be there too.” She said pointedly. “Better come around to the idea of him quickly.”

“I don’t like him.”

She huffed, “You don’t know anything about him.”

He rolled his eyes, “I know plenty. How many times was it that he shot you? Choked you? Haunted your dreams for what.. the better part of 15 years? I know enough, he’s not welcome around the kids. He’s unstable.”

She knew this would be coming. Clint was exhausted and he turned irritable under stress. He knew the worst things about James and that’s all he had to go on. 

“That was fixed, he’s healed, and the Winter Soldier programming is no longer part of him. His past is no worse than mine and you made me godmother to all of your kids knowing every bit of the monster I was. If anything he’s kinder than me, and I am not turning him away now. There’s so much you don’t know about what went on in Wakanda with him and I.” She fired back quickly, the fatigue driving her to speak snappishly when Clint didn’t deserve her temper. He had every right to be like this. He looked doubtful, and she pressed on. “Clint… I’d never endanger those kids. You know that. If for one moment I thought he’d be a threat to them, then I wouldn’t have brought him with to meet all of you. He’s staying with me.”

Clint looked at her for a long time before footsteps approached from behind him. Natasha watched James head her way, then look back at Clint. “He’s coming back so make a decision, Clint.”

Clint shut his eyes and sighed, “I want to talk to him alone.”

Natasha groaned. She didn’t want that to happen. She had no idea what Clint could possibly want or have to say. “Be nice, or I’ll kick your ass despite everything that’s happened. You don’t get a free pass to torment him.”

Clint shrugged his shoulders, “I just want to talk to him. Why don’t you go check on the kids?”

She nodded and turned towards James who stopped a short distance away. He offered her a soft smile and procured a large to go cup of coffee. She sighed heavily and took the glorious liquid. 

“Thought you could use one. Everything okay?” He nodded towards Clint.

She grimaced, “He wants to talk to you alone.”

He didn’t seem put off by the idea. “Alright. Any idea why?”

She sipped her coffee and nodded, “The two little ones are being discharged now. He wants me to go home with them. It could be months before he’s home with Cooper and Laura. I told him you are part of the deal then. He’s acting like he doesn’t like you, but he’s exhausted, worried, and stressed. I’ve told him about our past.” Clint was always the one who picked up the pieces when James had gotten under her skin and broken her down. 

“I can handle it, Tasha. He’s got every right to be skeptical of me.” He drank from his own coffee and looked over at Clint.

“I’ll leave you two to it then…” She said loudly enough for Clint to hear. She looked a James and brushed her fingers over his free hand before heading down the hall towards the room that held Lila and Nate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Will Clint be nice to James or not? Leave me a comment and let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think. I do have big plans for this. Any inconsistencies with MCU please let me know. I do not claim to know all. Comments and reviews keep me motivated! Please leave me some love :)


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